Sunnier skies

Last night, my husband told me about a coworker who is having trouble at home. He and his wife are arguing frequently and it’s taking a toll on their marriage. My husband asked if alcohol was part of the equation and he admitted that it is a nightly thing for them. He then suggested that maybe they should cut back or stop drinking altogether and see if it makes a difference.

It made all the difference for us.

His story took me back to all the nights of arguing over nothing. The date nights that started full of promise and ended up in cold isolation and bewilderment, tears and then regrets. The slamming around the house with any resentment I could find simmering away inside. The foggy realization upon waking that things got out of control again. The reading of yet another journal entry scrawled in angry, almost illegible frustration. Penned by a stranger. A desperate stranger I invited in when I drank, leaving unwelcome reminders the next day. Who was this person who yelled at her husband and was so impatient with her kids? The shame, when I admitted it was me.

One of the big things that is undoubtedly better since I stopped drinking is the quality of my relationships. I can now say as a sober wife and mom that my husband and I really don’t fight anymore and I am so much closer to my kids. As a married couple, we have temporary annoyances that sometimes last the day, but the fuel, the accelerant, that alcohol added no longer feeds a fire. As a mom, the frustration, impatience, or resentment that alcohol added is now just patience and presence and gratitude.

When you experience storms as a regular part of life and then realize you have the power to stop them, it changes everything. Maybe at first, you don’t even want to do what is required to reach sunnier skies. But once you get accustomed to brighter, calmer weather, you see that it is so worth the work to change. And then one day, you look back and see that these relationships that have weathered so many storms are now blessed with rainbows.

Is it perfect? Of course not. But the gripping anger that consumed me when I consumed is now gone. And in its place is peace and gratitude for calm skies and the commitment to live a clear and present life. So much time was wasted in the storms. These days, I just appreciate the sun.