One of the inevitable side effects of coming through the other side of a traumatic experience or chronic condition is that you tend to rehash and try to make sense of it all.
Was I that bad? Did I almost die? Am I lucky to be alive? How much time was wasted by this horrible experience? And how do I live my life, now that I’m well?
Another thing that happens, maybe as a survival mechanism, is that our brain tries to downplay the gravity of the experience. In the case of substance abuse disorder, the user encounters a sense that it wasn’t all that bad. Many experts in recovery including William Porter, author of Alcohol Explained and Holly Whitaker of the Tempest identifies this as “fading effect bias.” Ruby Mehta, LCSW, on the Tempest’s website explains it is “a psychological event where negative, painful memories recede much more quickly than positive, pleasant ones. This doesn’t mean that you don’t remember the moment, but the negative feelings associated with that moment may fade over time.” It is our brain’s way of protecting us from an intensely painful experience, but may also cause us to view the physical and psychological consequences as not so bad. This is something to be aware of, so that we can overcome the tendency to romanticize even the ugly parts of our past.
I also find myself wrestling from time to time with the degree of harm my drinking had on my body, my life and my family. I wonder why I’m so different from my friend in college who drank right along side me on a nightly basis…how can she still be able to drink when it almost ruined me? And then the next thought that pops up: maybe I wasn’t almost ruined…maybe it wasn’t that bad…
This thinking, while extremely common in the brains of people in recovery, is also counterproductive. And I’m not in the game of wasting more time.
I’ve settled on the reasoning that works for me and I want to share it, in case it works for you too. I feel like I’ve come to terms with my past behaviors and settled any confusion over whether I can one day try it again. Even though I have no desire to do it again, I now feel at peace with my lifestyle choice.
It started with me clarifying the difference between habit and addiction. Words and their meaning are very important to me so I wanted to have a clear understanding of my issue. Did I have a bad habit, or an addiction? What’s the difference? I think these two words are muddied because people have come to refer to an addict as having a “drug habit” or needs to “feed his or her habit.”
However when you look at the dictionary definition of the two words, you can see the difference and know that these words should not be used interchangeably.
A habit is defined as an acquired pattern of behavior that has become almost involuntary as a result of frequent repetition. It is something that you do often and regularly, sometimes without knowing that you are doing it. Unconscious. Without thought.
While an addiction is defined as a compulsive, chronic, physiological or psychological need for a habit-forming substance, behavior, or activity having harmful physical, psychological, or social effects and typically causing well-defined symptoms (such as anxiety, irritability, tremors, or nausea) upon withdrawal or abstinence
According to MentalHelp.net There are four key parts to this definition of addiction:
1. Addiction includes both substances and activities (such as drugs, sex or gambling).
2. Addiction leads to substantial harm.
3. Addiction is repeated involvement despite substantial harm.
4. Addiction continues because it was, or is, pleasurable and/or valuable.
So while we can turn anything we do repeatedly into a habit, the key ingredients to a habit becoming an addiction is that it leads to harm, the behavior is continued despite that harm, and withdrawal symptoms occur (either physical or psychological or both). Addictions have physical, psychological and social consequences; habits, while they may prove hard to break, do not bring about such harm. Habits can even be good, while addictions do not have that capacity.
Once I understood the distinction, I decided that, yes, I had an addiction to alcohol. I continued to drink, regularly and increasingly, despite the harm it was doing to my life, my self and my family. I found it very hard to quit (experienced psychological withdrawal) and tried and failed multiple times before it stuck. Although I didn’t let it get to the point where I experienced rock bottom devastation, I certainly let it go on for years and years past the time when I felt like I needed to stop.
Knowing this, I can “explain to my brain” that I truly did have a substance abuse disorder. The disordered thoughts and emotions, memory lapses, and the physical suffering that accompanied my drinking were real and always present, especially in the last few years. Even though time has eased the anguish that was my daily reality, I know that this addiction is my condition, and the only way to escape it was to stop.
So if the habit you’ve acquired is one that brings with it psychological pain and/or physical harm, maybe it’s time for you to stop as well. Trying to justify, or downplay, or deny will only add to your sentence. Anything that causes harm is not your friend, but a deadweight preventing you from living your potential. And it won’t stop weighing you down; the load doesn’t get lighter even if your mind tries to convince you otherwise.
It is bad. It will get worse. And it will stay with you, until you close the door. And believe me… you CAN close the door. There’s no better feeling than closing the door on something that no longer serves you.
Love and light.
“It is bad. It will get worse.”…Repeat.Repeat. Repeat. It is no way to live nor is it intended for us to live that way. Right on, Collette!
Thank you, Dwight. I know you get it! Xx
Nice post. Just remember, our ideas evolve over time. You’re on an excellent path.
Thank you, Jim.
The sound of those doors closing are the start of better life. Maybe even a truly wonderful life ❤️
So true, friend. It’s no way to live.
Thanks for writing this Collette! 🙌🏻❤️
Thanks for reading, Jackie!
Wonderful post. Love the distinction between addiction and habit. So easy to blue the two.
That would be ‘blur’ the two! Doh! Speaking of ‘doh’, last year, following seven years of sobriety, I convinced myself that I could drink again. Exactly what you talk about in your post Collette. It was a disaster, but a timely reminder that I can never drink again. Just can’t do it.
Yes, I remember that time, BB. I’m so glad you were able to get your head above water again and are staying in the light. Accepting that fact, that we can never do it again, is really what we need to do and remember, no matter what our minds try to tell us. Love and light to you.
yes! thank you for writing this..i was immediately drawn in by that common question asked by addicts/alcoholics. And whats weird is i am a big one for using definitions to help wrap my brain around things, but for some reason i couldn’t figure out the word to compare with addiction. Habit:) All of this is so true. The psychological harm part ( for me) was/is the big distinction. I have been eating ice cream every day since right after Christmas, for example. It was a habit, that came with certain rituals. It had all the superficial looks of addiction, but not the weight( except my own – gained just a few pounds). But yesterday was the first day without out it. It was a little tough when i sat down to unwind before work tonight, but not psychologically harmful.Where as with alcohol, i suffered intense withdrawal symptoms for a long while. Great post!
Thanks for reading, Lovie. Yes I think you and I are both familiar with that feeling that plagues you when you know you’re stuck in a downward spiral with a habit that has become more. Ice cream is ok… Although I’m looking at my own habits with sweets and beginning to think I need to make a change because it’s becoming unhealthy. Sigh. Hugs to you, friend!
Thank you for sharing your story with us. Addictions can be hard to overcome, because sometimes people feel empty without them (but this is the avenue that addictions use to worsen over time). We must break free from all addictions. One of the first places to begin, is to ask ourselves: When did this addiction start? Is there an underlying cause? We ask questions such as this to find out what the trigger for the addiction is. For example, if a person was bullied in the past, and they are drinking to cope with the feeling of unworthiness that the experience brought, they are better off dealing with those feelings (since it is the root cause). Secondly, it helps to look for people who have overcome the condition that one is dealing with, and checking to see how they managed to overcome it. Tips and strategies from such people usually prove useful. Last, but most important, it is crucial to commit the healing process to God. God is our creator, and he is able to help us.
The Bible says in Hebrews 2:18 (about Jesus)
“For since He Himself was tempted in that which He has suffered, He is able to come to the aid of those who are tempted”.
God says in Isaiah 41:10
“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand”.
If anyone reading is interested in building a relationship with God, I have a post on that here: https://christcenteredruminations.wordpress.com/2018/08/29/how-to-build-a-relationship-with-god/
There is much more to know about God. I post frequently on my blog about topics related to God. You are welcome to follow my blog to keep up with my content. See my blog here: https://christcenteredruminations.wordpress.com/
– I hope this comment helps.
All the best. May God bless you.