What to do? Give Yourself a Break

“What are we going to do today?”

This question has no doubt been asked far more often over the past four months. Prior to the arrival of the Virus That Cancelled Everything, schedules used to be packed, trips planned and looked forward to, and staying at home doing nothing was a rare occurrence.

Now that my husband is home, he has a few months off, which coincides with our summer break. There are no vacations, sports camps or other activities to occupy our time. This is the summer of “What are we going to do today?”

Somewhere along the way, each of us adopts our own definition of productivity and the amount of doing it takes to feel satisfied. My husband and I are pretty matched when it comes to activity levels and expectations of productivity (the chief difference being my idea of a nap is 20 minutes and his idea of a nap is three hours).

We are doing a pretty good job of staying occupied. We’ve gone on a few short camping trips and have multiple house projects we are catching up on now that we have some extra time and money.

So mornings are early and productive, especially now that neither of us drink, and most of the time I keep myself busy during the day. But lately there have been times when I’ve found myself with what I consider nothing to do. How foreign. And slightly unnerving…

I cannot seem to give myself permission to sit and read, or think, or binge-watch my favorite series unless I’ve completed enough tasks that I deem gold-star worthy. The other day it was a spontaneous de-cluttering and cleaning of the hall closet.

And here’s where I think it comes from. I spent so many years checking out, wasted so many hours wasted or recovering that now I feel the pressure to make it all matter.

Back then, drinking was what I did. It was the objective to all my pastimes. It was the point of an evening out with my husband, or a get-together with friends. And then, regretting and recovering from my objective took an equal amount of time (if not more).

I use an app called I Am Sober, which I only check once in awhile these days. It tracks my time sober, and also the amount of time I’ve “saved” by not drinking. As of tomorrow, I will be 16 months sober, and will have saved 1,461 hours, or roughly two months, based on the estimate that I used to spend three hours a day drinking. And yes, this estimate was drastically underestimated by my newly sober, sheepish self. It also does not include regret/recovery time, which is basically wasted time, or time I would like to forget.

My point is now that I don’t drink, I feel like I’m making up for lost time. Saving time. And I feel paranoid, or guilty at best, about wasting time.

I wrote in my last post about living on autopilot and the danger of not being present in your day or making room for new or meaningful experiences. I also enjoyed reading recent posts by Dr. Getting Sober and 100 Days to Sparkle and gained insight from their contributions and thought processes around productivity. I am now revising my argument a bit to say that the danger is not just going through life on autopilot, but going through your day (your life?) mindlessly.

Mindfulness is the key ingredient. Presence. This means I can do a whole lot in a day or I can do very little as long as I move through my day with awareness of the gift that is life.

Instead of saying to myself, “Okay, it’s almost 10:00 am. You need to switch off the cooking show and go do something productive like cleaning closets.” I can say, “It’s almost 10:00 am on a weekday. How fortunate am I to have this time to leisurely drink my heavenly coffee, have my loved ones home with me and just be given this time to relax and enjoy!”

Watching an episode of “Henry Danger” on Nickelodeon with my daughter can be meaningful. Resting and reading the latest Sue Monk Kidd novel can be nourishing to my mind and body. Doing absolutely nothing can be important if I am mindful and aware of enjoying the gift of the present.

Maybe that is part of what this season of cancellation is trying to show us. That sometimes the objective is to do nothing and just be. And relish the fact that we can.

So yes, I will always be someone with goals and plans for the future. I will always have things to check off my To Do list. I will always get satisfaction from accomplishing projects and fulfilling purposes; earning that gold star.

But I am also going to start giving myself a break, and embracing the truth that there is worthiness in nothingness and purpose in an empty day.

If you make it so.