This last week of the year, nestled between Christmas and New Year’s has always felt extra to me…like a bonus. In light of the year we’ve had, this time it feels like empty space to fill. I feel aimless, like I should be doing something productive, but have lost my to-do list.
Part of it is my limited mobility. I had surgery on my knee about six weeks ago and it seemed to be doing better…but after a lot of running around, I now find it painful even to walk. I’m icing, elevating, wrapping, and medicating but any regular activity leaves me with a painful limp. It makes me feel old. It gives me a glimpse into what I hope is not my future.
I haven’t been able to exercise, or end up paying for it when I do, and I am surely not eating very healthfully this time of year…damn those Christmas cookies and fudge. So I feel like I’m losing ground.
This feeling is colliding with the feeling that I should be coming up with intentions and goals for the new year. That I should be filling blank planners with affirmations and aspirations. Outlining my healthy habits, transcribing my wellness schedule. But honestly, I just don’t have it in me.
I think it’s the year we’ve had. There’s been nothing like it in our lifetime. Sometimes I catch myself just staring at all the masked faces, distance markers on the ground, plexiglass partitions and the plethora of hand sanitizer dispensers. How can this be our day-to-day existence?
We blame it on the year…but I don’t think this is something that will be remembered as “the year it all went bad” or “the year we all stayed home.” It looks like this kind of normal with be with us for a long while. Part of the problem is that it feels like there is no bottom. We haven’t (yet) reached the low point. It’s all bad, but how bad is it going to get? And when will it start getting better?
So as I lay on my bed, frustrated with my knee and my lack of motivation, my mind wanders to a different place. A future place where I can run and hike and hug people and no longer move in six foot increments. When will this be? When will it get better?
I don’t think anyone knows.
But since I can’t move much, it forces me to be still. Stillness is sedentary, yes, but also brings with it a sense of quiet. And quiet is good. Quiet can feel uncomfortable because in this world it is not our natural state. But quiet can also force us to confront the fact that we don’t have the answers. We don’t know. And maybe not knowing is okay.
I don’t have a word for the new year. I have not made any resolutions or intentions. The part of me I’m listening to right now says I dare not go there. The best laid schemes of mice and men, often go awry.*
So I think I’ll practice sitting this one out. Along with listening to the quiet. And not having the answers, or even the right questions. I will sit, and be still. In awe of the fact that I am a miniscule speck of existence in the grand schemes of things…and yet still, I matter.
Here, in this last week of the year, I will sit, and wait, and be open to what lies ahead, be it good or bad. I will not make plans or busy myself. I will not count steps or calories, but I will count my blessings. I will breathe, and trust the quiet of the unknown.
*”The best laid schemes of mice and men, often go awry,” is a line from a Robert Burns poem, “To a Mouse,” and then later used by John Steinbeck in his novella, Of Mice and Men.
‘I will breathe, and trust the quiet of the unknown.’
That’s a cracking line. May we all trust the unknown. Thinking of you. Go easy on yourself. That knee sounds painful. Rest up.
Thank you, friend. Thinking of you too. Hope your experiencing peace and contentment. Happy New Year! 🎆
I love how you said you will sit back and count your blessings. I think that’s perfect. When we appreciate our blessings things do seem to fall into place better! Thanks for that reminder! I’ve decided a goal is to save early for Christmas next year. Little each week. I thought about making a exercise goal but I know I won’t adhere to it so why bother making a goal I will only get frustrated I didn’t complete I say. My job is physical so I just don’t have it in me to work out after work. Hope your knee gets better!!
Thank you for the well wishes. I hope and your family have a peaceful, happy new year. 🎆
So sorry Collette you are in pain with your knee😔. Laying low sounds like a good plan and a path that was meant to be to regroup with all that’s going on outside and inside of you. I agree TRUST is the key. I often go through these cycles and when I do I go back to the basics of reading spiritual books, connecting, and doing my daily practices/prayers. I’m currently reading The power of your subconscious mind by Joseph Murphy. I’m finding it very insightful. Surrounding you with much healing love and light – Dwight😊 ❤️ 💫
https://insig.ht/X7tRmHrJDcb
Thank you, Dwight. Not being able to get around well or exercise is frustrating, for sure. An “exercise” in patience, faith and trust. I hope you have a peaceful, happy new year! 🎆
It gets better in April. Back to normal by June. We’re almost there. This excepts those who won’t get vaccinated. They’ll be hibernating for years. And I’m all for letting them.
So there is someone out there who knows! Actually, your prediction sounds pretty realistic. Thanks for reading, Jim. Hope you and the family have a happy new year! 🎆
It’s gotta be better than last year!
I’m sorry to hear about your knee!
I gave up resolutions several years ago, and it’s very freeing.
It’s too much pressure on myself. Even trying to pick a WOTY was too much. Lol
So I’m just having a one day at a time life!
xo
Wendy
Thank you, Wendy. One day at time makes the most sense right now. Practicing living in the moment. Hope you and Mr UT have a wonderful New Years! 🎆
So sorry for what you’re going through. I hope in the new year you recover smoothly and you find strength despite this low moment. Thank you for sharing your struggle your transparency is appreciated and valued highly
I find this time of the year very odd. I used to drink my way through it. Drown it out. No resolutions or word of the year for me either. Like Wendy said .. one day at a time for me. I can’t deal with expectations or disappointment at the moment. Take care and rest that knee! ♥️♥️
Thank you, Claire. Hope you have a peaceful New Year’s. Sending love and light. ❤️🌟
I hope your knee gets better soon – pain makes everything harder. Being still and counting blessings is a good place to begin a new year – here’s hoping yours will be blessed with healing my friend 💞💞
Thank you so much. Hope yours is blessed as well. Love and light to you, friend. 💕
I hope your knee feels better soon, Collette! Hugs for the new year! ❤️
Thanks Leafy! Happy New Year to you and your family. 💕
First of all, I sure am sorry to hear about your knee surgery and pain. I hope you experience lasting relief soon. Secondly, I can very much relate to your description of looking around and wondering at how odd it is that this is our current reality. Sitting and waiting, listening, releasing expectations- it is a kind of surrender. I’ve been practicing it too, especially during this break. I think it is the best thing we can do. Who knows, maybe someday we will look back and appreciate that we had the motivation and opportunity to take quiet moments to go deep. Healing to you!
Thank you friend. Yes, I’m sure there are good things and lessons coming from all of this. It’s just hard to see it when we’re in the thick of it. Hope you have peaceful and happy new year’s. 💕🎆
Totally is hard to see when on it. Thank you for the happy new year wish- right back at you!
Counting the blessings is so the way to go xx