Lately, I find myself having conversations with God in the middle of the night. Actually, it’s more early morning hours, but definitely during my 6-7 hour sleep window. I’m protective of my sleep now that I don’t drink. When you go from disrupted, tortured sleep being the norm, you want to proctect and preserve your peaceful sleep routine at all costs.
While I used to lie awake sweating, aching, and berating myself, I’m now wondering and worrying my way through the swollen night. Husband snoring next to me, silicone ear plugs jammed in my ears, my brain wakes and my eyes obediently follow. So much to carry, even while lying down. So much anguish in a seemingly quiet house. A stream of worry flows forth, despite my efforts to quiet my thoughts.
Something like: another cancer diagnosis in our family, 19 innocent children and three amazing adults killed on a school campus, 6.6 million Ukrainian refugees fleeing and over 3,000 lives lost, we’re heading for World War 3, my 13-year-old nephew jumped at his middle school resulting in a concussion and a big dose of trauma, my 19-year-old still struggling with anxiety and medication issues, prices are out-of-control and money keeps running out, my 72-year-old mom unable to walk or do anything until her back surgery, which is still months away, my co-worker diagnosed with a genetic disease, my student attempted suicide and hospitalized. My God.
Yes, my God. My stream-of-consciousness worry turns into prayer, the mental equivalent of throwing my hands up. It shouldn’t be my last resort, but my first response. And yet… I struggle with my human weakness, distraction and desire to control. I try to absorb instead of release. I try to hold it together instead of surrender. My God, this world, this life.
When I turn my worries into prayer it feels like unburdening. It feels like releasing things in which I care deeply about but am powerless over to a Power who can. It eventually quiets my mind. I grow sleepy again…
When I awake, I feel reframed. He never fails to replenish my weary spirit, at least enough to take on another day. I am ready to see the small, beautiful things, moments and opportunities before me. I can drink heavenly nectar (aka coffee). I can buy a plant and a card. I can appreciate my cactus blooms in the garden. I can water my tomato plants and anticipate their bounty. I can send that encouraging text, I can make the time for a phone call. I can appreciate the hummingbirds feeding outside my window in the morning light. I can learn from those put in my path. I can donate. I can feed. I can hold space or a hand of someone hurting.
I can keep having conversations with God in the night.
I SO relate. Thank God the mornings are renewed
So relatable. It’s just so hard and sometimes I have to remind myself ( Dwight gave me this idea ) is that I ( we ) have a whole lot of love to give and we so need to spread it right now. Even just the little things. It’s really all we can right now, everything else is so out of control. I sure hope your having a wonderful day and I always love reading your posts. XO
*It’s really all we can do right now
i do the same thing. Odd, isnt it, how many of us experience these things and yet often wonder if it’s normal. I usually come to the same conclusion as well. After swirling threatening storm of thinking and emotions and anxiety..i talk to God and feel at peace again. His loving reassurance is priceless. Good vibes here!
It’s good to know I’m not alone. We should know by now to skip straight to the peace. Xx