I haven’t seen or talked to my parents much lately. They live in the same town as me, and we usually see one another multiple times a week. They help out with watching the kids and the dog, and we enjoy sharing life and space.
Toward the end of last year, my mom grew more afraid of catching COVID. May dad called to explain that were more comfortable spending Christmas alone, and we haven’t seen them since. I understand their concerns, as we recently returned from a trip and my kids and I have been going to school.
Mom and I were messenging one night and she was saying she missed her family, but since she was 71, she had to be careful. That she “didn’t have much time left.”
Her sentiment surprised me, saying she thought she was nearing the end of her life. It got me thinking about life expectancy, and how we all have our own view of how long we expect to live. And how personal that expectation is for each one of us. Besides the unforeseeable, when lives are cut short, we all have at least a vague notion of how many years we think will make up the span of our lives.
Our experiences and circumstances, and also our outlook on life shape this notion of a lifetime. As we move through our years, growing more optimistic, pessimistic or maybe realistic as we age, this expectation is subject to change.
For example, when I became weighed down by years of drinking, I felt more and more certain that the end would be bad, and too soon. In fact, I was very preoccupied with the idea that I was actively contributing to my own demise.
Now that I no longer poison my body with large amounts of alcohol, my expectations are more optimistic. Accepting that I could still die any day, any time, I feel that, if things go well I will live into my late eighties, or early nineties. I know that genetics also come into play, but I’m referring to the expectation or hope each of us harbors, whether we speak about it or not.
The experiences we encounter along the way have a lot to do with our outlook. And our outlook, in turn, has a lot to say about our quality of life and our longevity.
Generally speaking, we all endure difficulties through the course of our lives. It is very rare (impossible) to live a life free of pain and hardships. The way we choose to deal with these difficulties, based on our outlook or mindset, will dictate whether we reach the end of our lives feeling rewarded and fulfilled, or cheated and resentful.
How we choose to engage with life can also be a factor in determining not just the quality but also the length of our lives. Whether we travel though our days living as a victim or victor. Whether we grow from our struggles, or wilt under the weight. Whether we appreciate the gifts in every day, or passively go through the motions and choose existence by default.
I am surprised at my mom’s assessment that, at 71, she doesn’t have much time left. Maybe because I don’t want to see it that way. But I think that her overall forecast is on the pessimistic side. Never one to take much for herself, maybe she doesn’t want to take what she feels like she doesn’t deserve. Maybe she thinks that it’s too much to ask to live a long, healthy life. Or maybe, she’s ready to not have much time left. Maybe taking care of all of us, and living in this world has been too much, or enough already.
The truth is I can’t pretend to know her rationale. Formulating our views on our own mortality is a deeply personal experience that each of us cobbles together differently. But hearing her expectation did make me hope that, if and when I reach her age, I don’t feel almost done.
None of us wants to feel we’ve outlived our usefulness or like we’re a burden to others. But the way we understand usefulness and what we define as a burden has lot to do with whether we are or aren’t.
As I go through each day, moving one day closer to my last day, I hope I never lose my will to engage with the magic that is this life or my sense of gratitude for getting to be here.
Interesting post Collette – I’ve had anxst about my mum dying for years and she’s now 82! C is 75 and doesn’t have any concerns about his mortality whereas I do so it really is very individual – we only have now really but it’s so hard not to project forward and miss the present worrying about the future xx💞💞
Thanks, DGS. I think the main thing I was trying to unearth here is how personal each of our ideas of life expectancy are…and so shaped by our experiences and outlooks. Thanks for reading and commenting! Xx
Your last paragraph is just wonderful! I couldn’t agree more! I think for some it can be hard to see the future with all that’s going on in the world currently. Seems it’s one thing after another. I know coming out of the daily drinking fog has made me appreciate more than I ever knew! 😃❤️
Yes, I agree that looking forward is a challenge for most these days. Thank you for reading and commenting! Xx
Not drinking has definitely changed my outlook. How I see the world. My mum would say similar things about life for years . She made 89. xxx
That is so good to hear! Xx
Oh how this post resonates with me. Perhaps it’s our mid-age looking towards our next 50 yrs but I’ve also looked at my parents, both in their early 70s , and reflected on how I’d like my next 50 yrs to unfold.
I’ve boiled them down to this:
With love. Movement. Meaning.
And I need to be actively committed to fostering them!
Well written Collette. I’m gr8ful I’m not the alone 😘🥰
My mum says the same … a lot … and she has become increasingly anxious about catching Covid also. She is 77. Maybe it just becomes something you think about more as you get older? X
Yes, I think your perspective probably changes as you get older and realize you’re more vulnerable. I think certain dispositions are more susceptible to this mindset! Thanks for reading and sharing about your mum. 💕
hahaha it’s funny. I’m about to turn 34 and I feel like there is not much time left ^^ I think you’re on to something with the idea that our Outlook has a huge impact on how we assess our potential future lives/longevity. If I felt more Secure (no pandemic, not single and alone, etc.) I would probably think less about my death ^^ Maybe this just means your mom is (like so many of us in 2020/21) under a tremendous amount of pressure and stress from the whole situation ? Or as you say, maybe she IS ready. Though I’ve met 90 year olds who feel and act like mischievous children, and give off this kind of “eternal Youth” vibe… so I think outlook definitely plays a huge part 🙂 xxxx <3 big hugs to my dear Child-friend Collette xxx Anne
Yes, I think outlook matters a great deal, and circumstances defining affect outlook. Take now for example. At any rate, I am so happy to see your comments. I’ve been thinking about you and hoping that you’re adjusting and flourishing as much as possible under the COVID regime. 🤦♀️ Be brave and safe, my friend! 💕