Finding Meaning in the Wait

I’m continuing to live in the state of stillness and trusting the unknown in the new year. This quiet I’m drawn to, a waiting place, is starting to feel important. God often leads us into times of waiting so that we can accomplish productive inner work.

There’s external waiting and internal waiting. I’ve experienced both but currently I feel myself taking an internal pause. Last year, I did a lot of external waiting. Seven months of it was spent waiting for my husband to come home from an overseas deployment.

And now, it seems as if God is urging me to be still and enter a period of inner transformation. I’ve moved some major roadblocks out of my path, the main one being drinking, and now the way is clear…or it isn’t. Hence the waiting.

Removing alcohol from my life was like lifting the floodgates in a dam. Everything came rushing out, full speed, and I scrambled around sifting savable debris out of the flowing streams. Let that go, oh, but hang on to that… Things I let go of included weight, actual body weight, mindsets that no longer served me with a clear head, and the belief that mere existence was an acceptable way to live.

My voice, my belief that I was lovable, and my will to live a meaningful life were some of the things I fought to hold on to and nurture and develop during my journey. My wellness journey, as I call it.

Along the course of this journey, I have come to a philosophical watering hole, and feel I’m being urged to sit, and drink, and be refreshed.

I feel like I have come to terms with my addiction and my addictive tendencies, as well as uncovering some of the things that caused them. I started to look around and say, what’s next… and then came the microscopic world disrupter, COVID-19.

This pandemic and the lockdowns that now accompany normal life gave me permission to pause. This new normal says it’s ok to not always be going and doing. I still have my roles and responsibilities, but many of them are performed from the comfort of home. The mom taxi has sits quietly in the garage, as I try to do only what is essential. And I am realizing, we are okay with not doing all the time. Life still happens, even without a full schedule.

The icing on the cake was knee surgery, causing me to be selective about my physical movement. I am taking care of myself and resting it as much as I can. Accepting the fact that this is a time where long hikes and workouts are off the table. And as long as it’s a pause and not an end, that’s ok. (Although I did start a 21-day reset on my diet, including no refined sugar. Damage control is necessary if I am not burning extra calories. No icing, or cake for me, please.)

So in my downtime, I came across a book that is breathing worlds of wisdom into my heart and soul. I do not believe it’s coincidence. It popped up as a recommended title in my Audible app because I love Sue Monk Kidd, and have recently finished The Book of Longings, which I highly recommend. The book I’m listening to though, is titled, When the Heart Waits: Spiritual Direction for Life’s Sacred Questions, and it’s like operating instructions for my current state of stillness.

She talks about our society’s pre-occupation with productivity, instant gratification and always being busy. The paradox is that with all the rushing around and stuffing away of feelings we do, it is impossible for our inner selves to get any soul work done. And that often we are called to wait in order to let growth and transformation happen inside, much like a caterpillar entering a cocoon. We cannot see the important work happening inside, but what is taking place is sacred, meaningful, and beautiful.

So I’m practicing getting comfortable with the important work of waiting. Drinking in her words like a baptism. Like divine permission to soak it all in and wait until it’s time to emerge. Trusting that I will move into the next phase of my life with purpose and results that are beyond any expectations that dwelled in my younger, smaller self.

“When you’re waiting, you’re not doing nothing,” she writes. “You’re doing the most important something there is. You’re allowing your soul to grow up. If you can’t be still and wait, you can’t become what God created you to be.”

So while much of last year was waiting for a change in my surroundings, namely my husband’s presence, this year I will spend time allowing my soul to grow up. I’ve processed some major life changes and now it’s time to wait. To store up my experiences and hopes, my hard knocks and potential, and in time let something beautiful emerge.