Last week, I spent my time taking in brilliant blue coastal views, inhaling woodsy fresh forest air, and climbing volcanic mountains to reach serene alpine meadows dotted with wildflowers. We set out in our faithful, functional RV not headed to Yellowstone as planned (due to flooding) but up the coast of Northern California, into the redwood forests of Humboldt County, and over to Mt. Lassen Volcanic National Park. I took lots of pictures, ate lots of smores, and spent relaxing hours with my husband and daughter. Walking along a coastal path in a 47-acre botanical garden, the thought occurred to me that I am finally growing into myself.
Taking vacations is still packed with ghosts for me. It triggers thoughts of needing alcohol to relax, to have fun, to celebrate doing nothing. Thoughts of past experiences and excursions inevitably hitch a ride. What I do with those thoughts and triggers is evolving. They used to make me draw into myself and make me feel deprived. Now, I notice them and make the connection that all of those trips where alcohol was the key ingredient turned into flops, a wasted recipe at best.
On this trip, each day unfolded, offering me opportunities to follow my bliss. Clear, early mornings with coffee and a great book. Slow breakfasts around a little table, laughing and planning the day. Days of biking by an ocean blanketed with sun sparkle, canoeing through the tranquil turquoise of the estuaries, and hiking in the presence of giant redwoods whose fuzzy girth and luminous limbs have graced the ground for thousands of years. All of this and more. Foamy waterfalls sliding over mossy boulders. Vibrant blooms and verdant leaves hosting and feeding local birds. A quiet stream snaking through an alpine meadow with snowmelt daring you to immerse your feet for more than 30 seconds. I could go on; I took it all in. And in taking it in, I felt who I am in this big beautiful world. I understood myself as a being who loves the sensory experience of nature in its varied textures and terrain. I felt grateful to participate, to show up, to be there, to take it in. To understand who I am and what I love and be delighted by it all.
And this clarity, this embracing of the world and the self never would have happened, had I still been blanketed by the haze and daze of alcohol. It may seem that I go on and on in these posts about my wasted past and my newfound access to the precious present. But I think that my fellow sober sojourners will agree that this road is truly a game-changer, giving you back a life and inviting you to discover it.
Happy travelling.
Such an awesome post, and it’s so great to hear your thoughts. We can be easily seduced by even fictitious things like tv and commercials that show drinking as ingrained into things like vacations etc. They fail to show the repercussions like the mind haze, hangovers and hair of the dog mornings that leads to alcoholism.
Your photographs show the beauty but your words describe them with even more clarity. Beautiful.
Much love to you my friend. ❤️❤️
Thank you my friend. It is sometimes surreal to live in this world that paints this huge illusion. I feel like we, who see clearly now, are the lucky ones.
I feel and see your inner peace shining. You are home again.🤗
Yes. Here, is everything. Hope you are well, friend.
“And in taking it in, I felt who I am in this big beautiful world. I understood myself as a being who loves the sensory experience of nature in its varied textures and terrain. I felt grateful to participate, to show up, to be there, to take it in. To understand who I am and what I love and be delighted by it all.” Yes!! I used to think my world would be so small without alcohol…..very sad how our perspectives are so lopsided and upside down when our world’s main concern is what will we drink today and when can we start! Beautiful post, wonderful pics Collette.
Yes, exactly friend. We fear our world will be empty and small when in reality, it’s the opposite! So grateful we chose this life, in spite of incorrect reservations. Thank you for reading and I hope you are well.
I’m doing great, Collette. Thank you for asking. So happy you’re still writing consistently- I always look for your posts whenever I’m here. 💕
Almost six months sober, I definitely agree. Especially reading this, I can’t wait to see what else unfolds as I grow deeper in sobriety.
Congratulations on your journey, fellow traveler! Thank you for reading and relating!
A 47 acre botanical garden sounds amazing! Your pictures are beautiful! This post is a wonderful post! I really felt this entire post as I read it. ❤️