Yesterday, I received an invitation to my good friend’s birthday party: a good thing! The only problem is that it’s going winetasting. My happiness turned to dread as I realized the venue and the agenda. To my friend’s credit, she wrote me a thoughtful text saying she understands if it’s not something I feel comfortable attending, which made me start to self-examen. Why does the idea of returning to the wineries of my past fill me with a mish mash of anxiety, resentment, frustration, and longing to just be “normal” like everyone else?
Since I began my sobriety journey, I notice other people on this path comment that they are completely fine with being around their former nemesis and even having it in their home. Completely fine. In their home. And I know that there are even, gulp, sober bartenders and those who work in the alcohol industry, selling and surrounded by what used to be their downfall. While this sounds very healthy and well-adjusted, I can’t admit to feeling the same. To clarify, my husband keeps his beer in the fridge and it doesn’t bother me. I go to restaurants with bars and long drink menus and it doesn’t bother me. I’ve even hosted get-togethers with wine and beer and it doesn’t bother me (except for fleeting FOMO thoughts, which I can release easily enough). But the wine doesn’t live in my fridge or my counter after the party; and I haven’t set foot on a winery since I quit.
These situations call for me to draw a line that I can not cross, and because of this, it seems like I’m inviting my downfall. A line in front of the refrigerator that houses my favorite crisp Chardonnay. A line along the polished wood counter in a rustic winery where the wine glasses sit in a row, one with my name on it. A line, that once it exists, calls out to me to cross.
Yesterday, I briefly considered being an amazing friend and not only replying “yes” with emoji hearts and party hats and bottles of champagne, but commenting that I would be happy to drive. Because I do love my friend and I want to celebrate her on this day. And as I said, I know there are sober people out there like this. Are they farther evolved than me? In time, will these thoughts not even cross my mind? Are they less selfish, less consumed with their own thoughts and needs? I want to be that amazing friend, but I want to stay sober even more.
I don’t want it to matter to me, where I am or what’s in my fridge. But I guess I need to accept that, at three years in, this is still where I am. And try to honor it and trust that, even if it always matters, I’m doing the right thing. I could care less, but I don’t… and that’s okay.
Definitely honor and trust it, Collette. Follow your own handbook. You be beautiful you exactly where you’re at.❤️
Thank you, Dwight. I guess there’s no point wishing I were different…just need to honor where and who I am. Hugs to you. 💛🌟
Exactly what Dwight said. I drove a group of girls wine tasting just recently and really had no urges to drink. The problem is it was a longggg day of driving and dropping people off at home and I did get frustrated in the end with a couple of girls that took way too many tastings. I decided I won’t do that again. You know you best for sure! Xoxo
Thank you, Jackie. Given my history, I’m going to pass… I know my friend will understand. 💛🌟
Nice post Collette. You have to follow your gut with these things. I’m not sure many of us that had such difficult relationships with alcohol in our past could take on such a challenge tbh. Nor do I feel we should! ❤️❤️
Thank you Claire! Comments from you and others have made me feel I’m not alone and that it’s ok to feel as I do. Hugs to you. 💛🌟
Stay true to you lovely. The party sounds like a dangerous playground to me. xx
Thank you. It’s helpful to hear your perspective. 💛🌟
yes, you do have to stay true to yourself and your own path. I have exited the community that was my world for all of 10 years and still get anxiety even thinking about going to events or anything where i will be around others drinking. I just don’t trust myself, especially having the short relapse . I won’t risk it. I have many super powers but that just isn’t one right now. This year has been much easier for me..but mainly because i haven’t been anywhere near the demons. I feel your pain, i so wanna be able to feel “normal” and unbothered by it all, but have to accept that, for now, it just isn’t possible.Besides, i have plenty of other challenges and things on my life check list that i don’t feel the need to do that challenge:).. Hugs!!
Thank you, Lovie. It’s good to know I’m not the only one who feels anxious and uncomfortable in these situations. 💛🌟
8 years in I wouldn’t have a white Sauvignon blanc in my fridge or go to a wine testing.
Thank you for the validation! It means a lot. 💛🌟
Hi Collette! I thought I’d throw my two cents out. 🤣 personally, I don’t mind going to parties or restaurants where they have alcohol, but I totally avoid things like bars and wine tastings. Why? Because alcohol is the main attraction, or worse the only attraction at the event. Friend or not, the last thing I want to do is sit around and watch people drink. I’ve downed sodas at these types of things just to feel included and all I got was the caffeine shakes lol. Not to mention the fact that one of my relapses many moons ago was a trip to Palm Springs with two drinking friends and we went to a fancy restaurant where they pair wine with each course. I caved, thinking it was just a sip. And it was. But a year or so later and many sips in I was in the pit once again. Anyway, sounds like you have all the right ideas. Do what feels right to you. Xxx❤️
Thank you for your thoughts, Janet. You are always right on. And yes, the problem lies in the place where drinking is the agenda. Another friend texted me to see if I was going to the wine tasting party and I explained that I have to be selfish about this and not attend. I received no response. Crickets. Oh well. I guess I can’t expect people not in my shoes to understand the journey. Thanks for letting me know that you get it!💛🌟
Good to “see” you Collette… I’m with you. I take nothing for granted ~ including my confidence! ❤️
Thank you, Elizabeth. It’s great to hear your support. 🌟❤️
Way to go Collette. I have attempted similar things in the past – acting as skipper – and did not enjoy the experience. I ended going off and sitting in the car waiting for them. Then I grew increasingly frustrated as the day wore on, feeling that I was little more than a taxi driver to a group of drunken friends. At the end of the day, their lives were not improved by my being there. My life however, was definitely not improved. Never again. But hey, there were good learnings out of the experience. Trust ya instincts. 👍🏻
I must admit the prospect of parties stopped in 2016 but I don’t miss them. But I do miss say a tea and cake meet up. That sounds really appealing.
I wish we could have a tea and cake meet up. That sounds wonderful! Hope you are well, friend.