Just One Life

When my life revolved around consuming wine, I spent much of it trying to untangle the knots I’d made the day before. An unraveling of sorts, with no forward progress.

Stuck in a loop:

• Questioning what I had said or done, who I’d hurt or neglected, because drinking time was lost in the cloud.
• Apologizing for words or behaviors that I felt were not really even me.
• Regretting the inevitable downturn or the fact that I had let myself and others down, yet again.
• Hating the person I had become.

A person who had to apologize for being someone she wasn’t. For doing things she normally wouldn’t. The angry outbursts and resentment. The isolating and disconnecting from my husband and kids. The consuming of hundreds (thousands?) of calories from alcohol and unhealthy food. The impatience with everything and everyone. The foggy brain that could not focus on anything outside of myself.

The self-loathing was palpable. And if I felt this way about myself, I cringed to consider what others thought and felt about me.

I have this one life and that’s how I was spending my days.

When I quit drinking, I looked around me and began picking up the pieces. I started to remember who I was before I stumbled off the path and fell apart. I realized I liked (loved?) the clear-headed, accountable version of me. That I could be her.

So I took the risk. I promised myself that I would really live my life for the rest of my life, no matter how hard or messy it gets. I am grateful that I never have to live under the influence of a drug that turned me into someone I hated. And I’m proud of the real me, who stepped out of the shadows and back into the starring role.

It takes bravery to stand up, dust yourself off, and vow to live the rest of your life without numbing. To experience life in high-definition. But you get your SELF back. You have this one life to live…

Live it as your true, authentic, unaltered, beautiful, bad-ass SELF.