The other day I made a list of the things I do daily, several times a week, and weekly. The list was fairly long. I was feeling overwhelmed, and thought that a list might bring more organization to my life. It also got me thinking about the role of mother that I play in my family, and how a majority of what I do falls under the “caregiver” category.
This is not to complain about my station in life. Having children was something I wanted completely, and I count as one of my greatest achievements. Part of what makes being a mom so rewarding is the 24-hour love and care I provide. But any pursuit that demands our all also comes with sacrifice. Making that sacrifice willingly is what places the role of motherhood at the top of the list.
Yet, along with the desire to be a mom, I also possess a want to do and be. Maybe we all do; I can only speak for myself. Sometimes, when doing laundry or packing lunches or driving to and from practices, my mind wanders to things I would like to do in this life. But there is always an obstacle when it comes to making these pursuits a reality.
In addition to being a mom, I am also a teacher. I am familiar with the debates between stay-at-home-moms and working moms. Making peace with our roles as primary caregivers to our offspring or balancing a career and mom life, either out of necessity or ambition. Yet this is still only part of the puzzle that moms have to piece together when looking at life as a whole.
Whether we stay at home raising our children, or go to work and resume being a mom when the workday ends, we still have a part of us that desires to fulfill our individual passions. Or at least I do. And I have yet to figure out how to fit that part in to my daily life. Most of the time I tell myself this is the season of life when I’m a mom and that needs to be priority. That there isn’t time for my wants when trying to fulfill the wants and needs of others.
But sometimes, the thoughts pop up. The feeling that I wish I were somewhere else, doing something else. For me personally, I would love to have the time to golf, to paddleboard, and to take pictures out in nature. These are interests, maybe passions, that I have yet to develop and nurture. I tell myself someday…but then I wonder if I’ll be too old to do these things once someday comes around.
I know that single parents have an even steeper climb to personal fulfillment than I do. That I shouldn’t feel discontent with my circumstances. But it doesn’t stop the itch from recurring on a regular basis.
The itch to follow my personal pursuits and passions used to be scratched, or rather drowned out, by alcohol. I wasn’t wistful about developing my own potential because my mind was numbed, or cloudy, or disinterested in life in general. Now that I don’t drink, the desire for self-development is front and center, yet the reality of my circumstances prevent me from pursuing more.
Mostly because there is not time for more, or if there is time, there is no opportunity. My husband works long days in addition to one weekend a month. The majority of the responsibility involved in running a household falls on me. But I have summers off. Yes, summer is a blessing to spend with my kids. But doing something on my own requires a babysitter, or my parents, and this is usually reserved for doctor’s appointments, hair appointments or occasional lunch with a friend. If my husband and I want to do something together, that’s another childcare ask.
So you see why the trips into nature, or across the lake or on the greens don’t happen. Most of the time, I’m okay with it. But sometimes, my thoughts taunt me. Wouldn’t it be blissful to see what I am capable of? Is this selfish? Should these thoughts be squashed or breathed to life? I don’t have the answer, but since I also don’t have the opportunity, I try to put them to rest.
Someday, I will be a paddleboarding, golfing, nature photographer… or maybe that is what I would have done, had my path been different. Why is it so hard to be content with who you are, where you are, when you are? If I do finally have the time to drift across the lake, or hike through the forest, or refine my game on the greens, will I be struck with the longing to be with my children?
I write this without answers, and would love to hear from readers whether these thoughts visit you as well, and what, if any peace you’ve made of it all?
Love and light.
My kids are older than yours, so I’m not needed as much. Still I find it hard to go do things unless I have a friend.
It’s always hard to put ourselves first. 🌟💛
I can so relate to this post Collette – although my girls are in their 20s now and need me less Im still their main emotional support though that is changing too and I’m beginning to feel redundant! I have my mum living near who does need me though thankfully she can care for herself so it’s not daily. When you work too there’s never enough time. I do have my horses though which is a passion I share with my daughter that I resumed when they were 10 and 13, but it did take up a lot of my time and was a major factor in the break up of my 1st marriage. My non riding daughter did tell me I was better since I’d had a horse though! Meeting my own need doing something I loved helped fill my tank so I could meet theirs. If I didn’t have that now then I think I’d be feeling the empty nest that’s about to happen so much more. I think it’s really important to still have a little bit of something that is just for you. So much falls on women’s shoulders still and when we work as well it’s easy to see why wine fills the void – the quick easy ‘me’ thing that drains instead of sustains. See if you can carve even a day a month to do whatever you want to do – it will be food for your soul! 💞💞💞
I happened to be responding to a comment here and noticed my reply to you did not post. Thank you for your feedback and insights. I’m so glad you have your horse passion, and I agree that true passions must learned to be managed or we can get carried away. I am going to listen to your advice and book something for myself once a month. I know it will make a big difference. Thanks again, my friend. Xx
This is something I am struggling with at the moment Collette. My husband works long hours and because I freelance from home, minding the kids and keeping the household running falls mostly to me. The other side is that my anxiety spikes when I leave the kids, so me making an effort to do the things that I want, often leaves me conflicted. However, pursuing our passions is vital for us and our families, so do try to carve out a little time for yourself xx
Thank you friend. Yes it’s so difficult to find a balance. I agree that we need to be intentional about making time for ourselves and our interests, and that it probably makes us better people to be around. 🌟💛
You are an amazing person and a wonderful mom! You have taken on “super mom” numerous times when your husband was away and along the way even put alcohol behind you! Your kids look up to you and if you take sometime for your interests you definitely deserve it and you’re also setting a great example of showing them to follow their passions. Everyone in the family should be allowed to grow and encouraged to do so. I know this is hard for a mom and never “promoted” but that doesn’t make it right. You my friend are so worthy🤗😊💯💫
Thank you for this glowing endorsement. I think for parents it’s such a balance between caring for and enjoying your children as they grow and not losing yourself in the process. Your support always means the world to me. 💛🌟
This is a wonderful post. One thing is that kids do get older and more independent. My oldest is 12 and I now leave him alone in the house while I get a manicure – he is responsible and knows how to be on his own. Soon he will be 16 and driving himself places. So time does change things. In the meantime, I do things like getting up before the kids to quietly meditate and read some inspirational literature and write in my journal – it just keeps me in touch with myself. Keep up your blog – it’s one way of being in touch with your passions.
Thank you Shannon. I know it will be different when my youngest is older and more independent…and I know myself and that once I get to that point I’ll be wishing they were younger again! Embracing the process of appreciating the day by day. And reminding myself daily to do it! 💛🌟
I’m so with you on this. Been thinking very similar thoughts. It’s not easy. x
Yes, I probably shouldn’t have labeled it motherhood, but parenthood and especially single parenthood. 💛
Chanced upon your blog post and it totally resonates with my thoughts. It’s all about balance and priorities! Let’s all press on as awesome parents to our kids!!!
I’m so glad my thoughts connected with yours. Yes it’s a tricky balance to maintain, but a worthy pursuit. Thank you for reading!
Hi Collette,
I could absolutely relate to this post. I have just completed 04 months of motherhood and these thoughts and queries penned by you seem to come right out of my mind. The only answer i have at the moment to my thoughts is to keep striving and trying to follow my passions. Though i know at times it will be very difficult and i would need to prioritize however, i am not willing to give away my passions and interests.
My motto would be – Keep trying harder again and again. Never give up.
sending loads of love and strength to all the mothers out there.
This is a real conundrum and I don’t think you should berate yourself for having these feelings and thoughts. So many roles to play and it can be difficult to manage them all. I really hope you do have the opportunity to paddle board, golf and become a nature photographer. You are very deserving of following some of your own pursuits. I also believe we are better caregivers and partners and parents if we also follow our own dreams in some way. 💕💕💕
I know I need to find a way to make it happen. My son is leaving for college in a few weeks and I think I’m feeling really torn about things and emotional in general. We always want what we think is out of reach… Xx
I loved reading your words and can relate so much to what you’ve written. So thank you! X
You’re welcome! Thank you for reading. I love connecting with others walking through these things with me! X