As a young, bookish child, I fell in love with the Choose Your Own Adventure series. If you aren’t familiar with them, they are a series of books for young readers who get to choose what the narrator will do at strategic plot points throughout the story. If you choose A, turn to page…, or if you choose B, turn to this other page. I loved the idea of being in charge of the story, but I always reached the end and then went back and chose the other options to see where I could have gone, or what would have been the alternate outcome.
In life, we don’t get to do that. We can’t go back and see what would have happened, had we chose differently. Maybe that’s a good thing.
What we can do is go back and look at the roads we did take and where it got us. We can wonder what could have been, but I think the real value lies in looking at the path we did end up taking, and how, despite the odds or the wisdom of our choices, it all seems to work out in the end.
For instance, I can wonder what would have happened had I gone directly to four-year-university, instead of spending two more years at home attending a community college. I was accepted to a handful of universities (good ones, too!) but ultimately chose to stay home a few more years because I didn’t feel ready to leave home. What would have happened if I went directly to U.C. Berkeley, or Pepperdine or Santa Clara universities (besides being much more broke)? Who would I have been then?
Instead, I stayed home and attended community college and started dating a pot grower and dealer who was nine years my senior. Those years were filled with adventure, substances and some regretful behavior. Somehow, I still made it out of town and away to university after two years. On paper, those years definitely look like a mistake, or like I chose a bad road.
But then, I went to U.C. Davis as a junior, and ended up meeting my ex-husband. We married and had seven years filled with growing up, more substances, and again, some regretful behavior. Had I chosen badly again?
But then, within those seven years, I had my two boys, who I wouldn’t have if I hadn’t met my ex-husband. Sure we ended up deciding we weren’t meant for one another, but my boys are definitely meant for me…sent to me. Another example of how what looks like the wrong road can still lead to the right destination.
And divorce. How can divorce be a good choice? It surely didn’t feel like it at the time, or for a long time afterward. In fact, it felt like I had taken such a bad road that I’d never be able to find my way back.
But then, I went back to school to get my teaching credential and master’s degree and I met new people. One of these was teacher friend whose husband was friends with my husband. And they introduced us.
If I hadn’t gone back to school to be a teacher, I wouldn’t have met my husband and gotten married. I wouldn’t have my beautiful daughter who brings me so much joy. I wouldn’t be a teacher who gets to help guide young people through their own missed turns.
And through it all, there was this constant in my life: alcohol. I can look back and wonder what would have happened if I never started that affair, the one that lasted almost three decades. All the years that could’ve been lived without regret and anxiety and loathing and hurting (both physically and mentally).
But then, I wouldn’t have discovered sobriety and what it means to find the courage to walk away from something that no longer serves you, or probably never did. I wouldn’t have learned the art of surrender, the gift that is gratitude, the practice of presence. I wouldn’t have discovered the joy in serving and encouraging others along the way. I wouldn’t have met the most amazing people in the world… other sober folks, who overflow with love and light. I wouldn’t get to be the light.
So I think the question is not, What if I hadn’t gone there? but How has it all worked out despite what seemed like the wrong roads?
When you look back and see the amazing things that God orchestrates in your life despite your own worst decisions, it becomes perfectly clear who’s driving the car. And that all those wrong turns were just detours into pain, so that you could learn and grow and emerge stronger. So that you could grow closer to the One driving the car, and begin to trust the path.
What a beautiful piece, Collette! I can relate to this on a lot of points and was actually reflecting similarly, today. I’m grateful for the experiences I’ve had because they were all a part of an amazing journey. It’s easy to look back and see embarrassing “mistakes.” But, how much better to look back and your Higher Power, who had your back the whole time? I see that I was not alone then and I’m not alone now. I don’t “regret the past, nor do I wish to shut the door on it.” It‘s a beautiful truth. 💜 big hugs.
Love this. I completely agree ♡
Thanks so much, JS💕
Right there with you on this, Collette. It’s the magic of the unfolding of ourselves.
Beautiful.💕
i think many of us ruminate at times a bit too much about what we used to be and forget too much to celebrate the person we have become. I often have to stop myself when i look at my roots growing out, my comfy clothes, my somewhat boring daily routines and lack of socializing. But i know from experience trying to return to some state of my former self ( i call it nostalgic euphoria) has never worked. In a sense i HAVE turned back time in some ways and taken a different path. I had relationships that i had left , one for 4 years, and tried to return to it to try a different way. It still turned out badly- worse than the first time even. I had my mid life crisis and after a 10 year solid marriage , tried to relive my partying years- also turning out worse .After a few other miscellanious experiences like that, i have learned that when i start thinking along those lines, i must NOT. It’s bad news .And i start focusing on who i have become now because of the paths i did take.Good read!
Yes going back to something that didn’t work in the first place rarely works the next time. We need to learn from bad experiences, trust they happened for a reason, and trust in the person we’ve become. Thanks for reading, Lovie! 💕
God has turned every “garbage” decision of mine into gold. But not without my own reflection, hard work and at times…many times…repentance. He’s the Ultimate chess player.🙏
Thank you for this beautifully expressed truth, Collette…..💜
Thank you for reading! I love your point that he is the chess player but we also have a role, one of repentance and hard work I order to move forward. 💕
Really beautiful, Collette. ❤️
Thank you for reading, Leafy! ❤️
I’m trying to move away from thinking about my last mistakes and move more towards what I’m feeling and experiencing now. xxx
Yes, I often don’t know which way to go but I know I can’t go back. 💕
Lovely post. I remember those books Collette. I loved them. So exciting to see where it took you! Xx
Thank you, Claire. I guess we are choosing our own adventure, huh? Hope you are well! 💕
I’m ok. Been off here for a little while due to so much going on work wise. Good days and not so good but grateful to be sober and healthy xxx
Always! 💕