This week, I lived. Living consisted of teaching, being a parent, and a wife. Running a house, helping a friend, caring for my dog. Exercise, dentist appointments, rapid-Covid-19 tests, high school volleyball games, coffee, and books. Riding the wave from sleepy Monday morning, to exhausted Friday afternoon. Nothing life-changing, or earth-shaking, but I’m so glad I’m here. Here is everything.
This week, I read through the journal I kept during my journey to stop drinking. It started in March of 2016, and I wrote through three different attempts to quit. Lots of starts and stops. Back then, I was riding the wave of sobriety and relapse. I see the words of the person I was and I feel sorry for what is yet to come, and wiser for going through what I inevitably had to. All worth it, all had value, but the road was so long and winding.
It started with this realization on the first page, quoting Elizabeth Gilbert, advising us to, “Do that which creates a revolution in your heart.” Those words penetrated my puffy, alcohol-soaked soul, and I wrote. “What is that for me? It’s been so long since I even considered being creative that I’ve lost touch with my heart.” I ache for that woman. I remember writing down this sad, defeated realization.
The pages that follow are also far from where I am now. The rearview mirror reveals heart-wrenching struggle punctuated by periods of clarity and hope. The basic timeline of the journey is as follows: March 4-May 12, 2016, or 69 days sober, followed by a three-month relapse. August 15, 2016-April 15, 2017, or 243 days sober, followed by a 2-year relapse with short strings of sobriety here and there. And March 13, 2019, through the current date (780 days and counting).
Reading through this sparked several observations. One being that the relapses get longer each time and I don’t ever want to fight my way through another one with the last one taking two years for me to find my footing. But the main thing I noted was that my mindset had not shifted in my prior attempts. I was still fighting with myself, and I now know we will never ultimately win a battle we fight against ourselves.
I was still fighting with myself, and I now know we will never ultimately win a battle we fight against ourselves.
A few months into my two-year relapse I wrote, “I’m back in a hole… trapped in stinking thinking. This is not working for me. I bought a bottle on the way home Friday. Snuck it into the closet. Drank until it ended in me getting upset and ridiculous, about what, I can’t even remember.” Now, I remember those weighted steps up the stairs to my bedroom closet, carrying the chains of addiction. Up and down the stairs dozens of times a night, seeking relief but only gathering grief. Knowing my life was not sustainable but still under the illusion that this liquid substance could do something for me? Reading these pages, it is so clear that all it could do was ruin my life.
And I am so glad I’m not there anymore. No longer under the illusion that alcohol can do a single good thing for me. And being at peace with that fact. Finally freed from the narrative that so many of us buy into for so many different, yet common reasons.
Now, life can still feel uphill, or like a drag at times. But I am no longer the woman who felt trapped, the woman who had lost touch with her heart and her dreams and goals and future. I am creating my life, one day at a time, and no longer carry the weight of impending doom. And that, is priceless, and more than enough reason to continue this wellness journey.
On it, I’ve found myself again. I’ve found a reason to be patient when things are difficult and hopeful when things look bleak. Because I now possess clarity, faith in the journey that remains, and peace of mind about my future, I feel like I have everything. Here, is everything. Back there, was nothing. And I’ll never go back there again.
Thanks so much for sharing this journey, Collette. It definitely is a revolution in your heart that you must start to leave the lie of alcohol. Could relate reading word for word. Right on right on my friend😊🤗💯💪✌️
Thank you, Dwight. I know you are right there with me, friend. Xx
Such a lovely post Colette, I could really relate to the memory of ‘that sense of impending doom’! Also loved ‘seeking relief but gathering grief’, such a good way of putting it. Being ‘here’ is a good place to be, it’s certainly better than fighting against it, from the bottom of a bottle of wine. Xxx
Thank you, friend. Yes, the feeling of impending doom is such a heavy weight to carry…and thoughts that things won’t end well. We don’t have to be saddled with that weight, if we are doing our best each day, living in health and wellness! Xx
Yes, I was still fighting myself too, the first times I tried to quit.
I just had to completely surrender, give up, and accept.
Thank you, Collette!
xo
Thanks, Wendy. Yes, even though I was certain I wanted to quit in my heart and soul, it took my brain awhile to catch up. I’m glad we’re all on the same page now! Xx
i am still amazed at your progress, mainly because it gives hope to me and others on here. I am so glad you have found a sense of peace about it. I still struggle. Not daily but with those moments of depression , the occasional triggers…they always hit me like a bomb, out of no where. I’ve done ok since my relapse, but not perfect. 4 months.. AF free for 116 of those days. Thats what i look at, and continue on. The battle is a process for sure…
Yes, that is certainly forward progress! It is a process and the process never ends. It is so easy for sabotaging thoughts to find their way through the cracks and points of weakness. Onward and upward! Xx
I so understand that that old feeing. It was soul destroying. This new life is way better. xxx
Yes, soul destroying is a perfect description. I always think, and this applies to you too, that we couldn’t be doing the incredibly hard things we are doing right now if we were still hiding behind the drink! Hope you are well. Xx
You are FIERCE!
You inspire how you ook history square in the eye and say “I am no longer you and yet I am still you and only better for your struggles” while also giving her love and compassion for her despair.
A beautiful reconciliation of honesty and compassion and forgiveness that we all desire to have with our past ❣️
And I love how you use it to motivate you on your journey of wholeness and joy❤️🤗🥰
Thank you Teri. Yes, I do feel compassion for who I was, I can still feel the reverberations of it when I read through my journal…but yet feel separate from it as well. I know I’ve moved on, and will keep moving on. That is a good feeling. Xx
Thank you so much for sharing! This is so relatable! I remember sneaking alcohol into the house and then trying to drink it when nobody would know. The anxiety of getting caught and the wonderment the next morning why I went through all that trouble for a drink. Yes, I remember those days all too well. I haven’t visited them in awhile and I hope I never go back! Like you mentioned I lost touch with myself and I was locked into a routine that would take me nowhere. It’s a good feeling to have progressed from that stage of my life and I intend to keep moving forward! Thanks again for sharing, it really helps to know others can relate. 🙌🏻🙌🏻🙌🏻
Once again, a wonderful post. I think you have captured what so many of us experience, but struggle to put into words. It’s a real gift you have. Never underestimate that talent. It’s so important for the so many people, especially me. 👍🏻