Who’s in Control?

I come to you today, humbled, after having my grand plans for the month subdued by, you guessed it, Covid. My daughter came down with it the day after I declared my intention to awaken and join the world. Within days I found myself miserable and dormant. I am surprised at the extent to which this virus knocked me down, as I heard the strain currently circulating is mild. Three weeks in, I am still suffering from headaches, chronic fatigue and congestion with a cough. The 10-week small group at church is happening without me. The six weeks of strength training I had worked hard at came to a halt. My eating habits have been terrible, as grocery shopping and cooking also have come to a standstill. My morning quiet time has devolved into playing Township on my phone. Yes, it’s that bad. I am once again reminded of the Proverb, “the best laid plans of mice and men.”

In fact, my situation makes me wonder about the wisdom of having a word of the month. Of proclaiming intentions, making goals and plans. I’m currently reading The Gospel of Wellness: Gyms, Gurus, Goop and the False Promise of Self-Care by Rina Raphael (review to come), and her take on the $4.4 trillion wellness industry is that people pay to feel in control. To feel like they can control their body, their minds, their health, and their appearance. It’s the problem of living in an over-stressed, overworked world where just keeping up is detrimental to your health, and the solutions people are grasping at are largely unsubstantiated and pricey. To what end? To feel in control.

But control is such an illusion. Studies show that people feel more happy when they believe they have influence or agency over life ‘s situations. And that we have to buy into this idea to some extent or we would all be freaking out and having mental breakdowns if we believed we were powerless over our lives. I do know on some level how my life is overwhelmingly out of my control and that bad things can and do happen all the time. But as a general coping mechanism, I choose not to think about it.

So do we encourage the illusion by making the best laid plans? I think to some extent, we must. Even if the unexpected happens, and setbacks occur. Even if we try to fly but flop instead. We do need to continue to act as if, even if we know deep down, we’re not. I believe that God is in control of this world and of the lives of the people in it. But I also believe that He would have me making plans and intentions to better myself and thrive, despite the landslides.

And so, I sit here and write to anyone who reads this that this month has been a spectacular flop. That I got swept up in the momentum of sickness and let my good habits and routines fade away. But I am also no stranger to failures and setbacks. And I know from experience that all I need to do is be patient with myself, dust off my sneakers and open the door.

The sun is shining, my favorite season of the year has arrived. It’s time to get going.