Hello Friends:
I know it’s been awhile. I’m occupying a place of contradiction; busy yet still, full yet unsatisfied, grateful yet melancholy. I struggle with feeling I’ve nothing new to say, yet I want to make my voice heard.
A month ago, I hung a spring wreath on my door made of twigs and pink tulips. Soon, I heard birds singing outside the door and noticed a sentinel perched on the drain spout each day. Then soft scratching on the door. One day, my husband left the house and a bird swooped near his head. We saw a few messy strands of grass and twigs hanging from the middle of the wreath but thought they had abandoned their pursuit because it was a highly trafficked, location that swung open and closed. Yet I still heard bird chatter in the mornings. Finally, I looked behind the wreath and found a fully stocked nest with tightly woven dried grass and leaf litter and one sweet little egg, which turned into five within a week. So we co-exist; the house-finch couple giving us our space as we come and go, and the humans trying to leave the use the garage door most of the time and ducking when we have to enter the front. Any day, I expect to hear little eager cries added to the mix of chirps and song. And soon after they will make their way into the big, unpredictable world.
This all took place around the time my 17-year-old started staying at our house less often. On paper his is here half the week but, like his older brother at this age, he is choosing to spend more time with his loud, goofy, sports and South Park-loving dad. As opposed to our house, with a quiet but structured step-dad who prefers aviation and the history channel. We had a tearful conversation about it, him not wanting me to think he doesn’t love me and me hoping he didn’t hear my heart breaking. But I understand, and I’m not going to make him stay where he’d rather not be. However this letting go gave way to an emptiness inside, and when I noticed the mama bird sitting expectantly behind my wreath I thought, “watch out, they’ll be gone before you know it.”
Seasons are a reminder of change and the passage of time. While I feel incredibly sad sometimes about my oldest being off at college and my younger one beginning to leave the nest, I remind myself that, as a 50/50 mom I’ve had to face loss, and losing for a long, long time. The hardest thing I ever had to do was live in the reality that I’d only have my boys half the time. For years, I let this fractional loss define my thoughts, and my concept of myself as a mom. But eventually, I realized that I’m their mom 100 percent of the time, even when they aren’t physically with me, and that has strengthened me for the experience of this pending empty nest.
And of course, I still have my 10-year-old daughter; my little light. She promises me she will never leave me with the absolutism of youth and I hug her tight and say, “I’ll always be your mom. Even when you fly away. ”
I love that birds built a nest behind your wreath and think that’s a good sign they feel safe. On porches of previous homes I’ve had the pleasure of nests being built and it’s such a meaningful experience with nature, minus the head ducking. You are right darling…You are their Mom 100% of the time even if you don’t have access to them at that percentage and they know that. I don’t see how we’d ever stop being a Mom, but I’m enjoying reclaiming the time spent being one 24/7! 🤗
Yes, we hatched four healthy baby birds and they too quickly flew away. Didn’t help my melancholy state one bit! Hope you are doing well. I need to catch up on reading posts. Hugs to you.
Be happy that it happened lovely. Hugs to you!
Oh, that surely is hard.
Hugs and yes, you are 100 percent their mom!!
xo
Thank you, Wendy. Hope you’re doing well. Going to try to be more regular with my reading and posting. Hugs to you!
Still recovering from knee surgery! But doing better each day! Can walk now! For 3 miles!!
So agree with the other comments and you! You are definitely 💯% their mom no matter what. It’s nice you still have your daughter at home. I have a complete empty nest here. First year both girls are in college. It’s weird and at first sad however I am in a happy place now. I really feel they appreciate more of the things I have done for them and it’s great to see them excited about visiting when they do. ❤️
An empty nest has to be a huge adjustment. I’m glad you’re in a good place. I’m sorry I’ve been largely absent from WP. Hope you are doing well, friend!
it’s so good to hear from you Colleen and i love the descriptive and positive sharing here! Hope you have been well all around and still reading those fabulous books..i loved your reviews and miss them. I struggle a lot as well sometimes with wanting to write but feeling i have nothing of value to say. I hear this is common though, so i try not to let it bother me. Big Hugs!
Thank you for the encouragement. I’m sorry I haven’t been on WP lately. Hope you are doing well. I need to catch up on reading. Will be posting book reviews again soon. Glad to hear you enjoy them! Hugs to you!
I’m late to the party. Beautiful yet difficult post. How are you doing now? What’s happened since? Thinking of you.
I’m late to the reply party. Haven’t been on WP lately, partly due to technical difficulties. I’m moving along, doing the best I can and practicing making that good enough. Hope you are well!
I look back at the too many times it’s cost me or others precious memories. I can’t change that but I can make sure I get things right now. ❤️
That’s the real challenge…to get things right. Intentions have to count for something! Hope you are well, my friend.