Hi, my name is Collette, and I’m not an alcoholic. But I did drink too much for many, many years. I did make some really bad choices under the influence of alcohol. I did make hundreds of decisions to moderate, and was unsuccessful every time. And I finally came to the conclusion that the only way to love myself and my life again was to quit for good.
That was four years ago today.
My story isn’t one of hospitals or arrests, accidents or jail cells. My story isn’t one of lost employment or homelessness. My story isn’t one of rehab and recovery meetings, or even an end-of-the line, rock bottom moment.
My story is a long, slow burn of mental anguish. Of something that started off as a perfect solution and ended up as a painful problem. Of feeling that one drink was never enough, and always a necessity. Of being ill-at-ease, physically ill, and worried sick. Somewhere along the way I taught myself that drinking was the way there, through, and out of every celebration, loss or unwanted emotion. It was something to do, something to bring along, and something to sneak away to. It was a source of guilt, shame, anxiety and regret. And four years ago today, it was something that finally had to go.
Drinking is illicit and exciting when you’re a teenager, the ticket to a good time in your twenties, and the beloved fault that brings with it camaraderie in your thirties. When you reach your forties and have children who look to you as the one in charge, the one who knows what she is doing, and you are repeatedly admonishing yourself for being a fool, it all catches up to you. When you can’t remember an important conversation with your child. When you sneak alcohol into their practices because it’s evening and you need it. When you take your youngest down the wine aisle at CVS she rolls her eyes with familiarity. You know the game is over.
My game ended four years ago, and I’ve been winning ever since. Not that it’s been easy, or rosey, or the answer to all my problems. But it has been the most rewarding process of becoming that I’ve ever experienced. I’m growing up for real this time. Figuring out who I am and who I want to be. Filled with humility and gratitude instead of anxiety and self-centeredness. Complete, instead of a complete mess.
At four years, I feel that sobriety is part of my identity, instead of something I’m trying to achieve. I don’t drink anymore, and I cannot foresee any reason that I ever would again, but I am humble enough to still take things day by day. And day by day is a good philosophy, whether sobriety is your thing or there is some other bit of awesomeness you’re moving toward. Nothing is guaranteed and today is the only time you can do something about. So today, and every other today God gives me, I’m going to choose to be free.
–Love and light
Collette
With me it was life that hit me. Forced me to reappraise life choices and I started to see just how much damage some of those choices were having. Your so right my friend and I am so proud of you and the choices you have made. I was listening to a online sermon this weekend with a great message that hit home. Live like your going to get judged today and not like the life judgement will happen in a few weeks or months or years. Make today matter. ❤️❤️❤️❤️
Yes, life has a way of hitting you over the head, doesn’t it? Glad we both had the wisdom, courage and insight to make things better. I know we both have children who have benefitted greatly from those choices. Hope you are well. XX
Wow Colette, that was really beautifully written ! Congrats on 4 years and for being inspiring for so many readers ! Xxx Anne
Thank you, Anne! Love reading about your journey as well! Keep blogging, friend! We lift each other up! 🙂
Absolutely loved reading this! So awesome on four years sobriety! You are definitely an inspiration to us all! 😍
Thanks so much, Jackie. We inspire one another! Love to you!
Stunning post. I feel it captures much that I could never articulate so clearly as you have just done. Congrats.
Thank you, BB! I humbly put these words out there for both of us. For everyone who has made the brave decision to ditch the drink. It is a major accomplishment with so many positive outcomes. I’m glad you’re on this journey with me. Cheers!
Congrats on 4 years! I can relate to so much of what you wrote. I never crashed and burned either, but I was sneaking little bottles everywhere…
Thank you, Sara! Glad you could relate. It’s still such a significant change, even if we don’t reach rock bottom. I’m so proud of you as well!
great post! It’s interesting…i haven’t seen any of your stuff coming up in my feed for awhile, so i went to your page tonight to check in..ironically (after i just posted on something unrelated) i had started thinking about my sobriety and all of the changes since i first started blogging here, especially the dramatic decrease of interaction in these past 4 years. It seems to me, at one time there was a huge group of us ( me, you, claire, jim, dwight, anne, jackie, and quite a few others ) that interacted regularly. But as time has gone by, some dropped off, faded away or just simply disappeared. I guess it’s partly because the intensity of the pandemic is over ,and we are more involved outside of computer land again, but i believe there’s more to it. I noted that some ( not those listed here) just stopped because they had never been able to get a handle on things and just gave up. Others stayed completely committed and never wavered- those are mostly the ones who moved on to writing about other topics and/or just stopped blogging. I kind of miss the frequent comradery, but i am also grateful to know that a decent number continue to interact and speak to this subject. There are so many just starting out, so many struggling, and so many victory stories – we all need to continue to share when we can! I know for a fact i wouldn’t have survived without this blogging group and support. So thank you..so very much….for this and all of your posts!
Thank you, Lovie! Your support means the world to me. I’m glad we have hung in there as well. I haven’t posted recently mainly because I’ve been uninspired and feel like I don’t have anything new to say. I’m hoping it’s a slump I will get over, but since this is a sobriety blog and that part has become a bit mundane for me, it makes it tough to keep going. Maybe this is just part of the process and I’ll regain my momentum. Hope so. Love and light to you!
i get it…most of those who were posting in 2020 i have noticed havent updated in over a year..i dont even post as much as i did then:/
Happy 4 years of sobriety, Collette! So happy to be on this journey with you and am thankful for all your support. You are definitely winning!😊
Thank you, friend! I am definitely one of your biggest fans and supporters! We really are in this together. And look at the fruit we are bearing as a result! 🙂
Congratulations, Collette. And what a great post!
Thank you, Leafy! I’m so glad to see you’re blogging again. 🙂
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Congrats on 4 years, Collette! I’ve signed on for dry January, and then one day at a time. ❤️