Care For Vs. Care Of

Asking for help

This week, I decided to break down and call a guy who does hauling and yard work. To accept that things have grown out of control and that I needed help. We have this slope in our backyard covered with the piled remnants of a tree my husband took down before he left in order to replace the back fence. Tree debris and stacks of old fencing. To dress it up even more, weeds were growing waist high.

Every time I stood at the kitchen sink to do dishes, I stared out the window at the messy, forlorn, jungle-like wasteland. I imagined it housed snakes, lizards and rodents from the fields behind our yard.

Back to the yard maintenance guy. He arrived with his crew to haul away debris and clean up the slope. I know that he noticed the general neglect of the rest of the yard, with the piles of dead leaves that weren’t gathered this winter. My son mows the lawns for gas money, and that has been the extent of our yard work.

Showing care

A few days after the slope project clean-up, two men from his crew showed up and said they needed to finish a few things. They proceeded to work for four hours, raking and hauling leaves, weed eating, edging, mowing and making both my front and back yard look neat and clean. When I thanked them and offered to pay more, they said they knew I was in a difficult situation with my husband stuck overseas, and they wanted to help us out. In a world that doesn’t make sense, this really touched me.

I have been the recipient of and witness to acts of kindness and care on a daily basis. I keep hearing the phrase, “we are all in this together,” and we are, but our circumstances are all different and there are no shortage of ways we can care for one another.

My husband is not home and I want him home with all my heart, but I realize that I’m being cared for in the meantime. Just as I am caring for my children, my students, my household and myself, God is using others to care for me. To water my soul, if you will.

God’s care

And I say caring for instead of taking care of intentionally. I think one of the things God is trying to show me through this is the difference between the two. It’s like parenting older children; you learn to care for them rather than take care of them. We do this so that when they go out on their own, they will know how to take care of themselves while also understanding that their parent cares for them and is there to love and assist.

While on my own, I feel love and assistance from others on a daily basis. Small things make a big difference when you live in the tedium of loneliness and uncertainty. A text or call from a friend or family member. An encouraging word from my blogging community. Flowers from my mother-in-law and my son’s girlfriend on Easter. Homemade cookies and nature walks with my mom. Masks for me and my daughter from my ex-husband. A workout bench assembled for my son’s birthday by my ex-brother-in-law. A leak repaired by the neighbor. Simple acts of kindness that say, “I know things are rough right now, and I want you to know that I care.”

I read a daily devotional by Paul David Tripp called New Morning Mercies, and today it talked about God’s care. He writes, “Perhaps our problem is our definition and expectation of God’s care…[it] comes in a variety of packages. ..not always a cool drink and soft pillow. God’s care is not always a relief from circumstances or a release from trouble. There are many moments in our life when the very thing that causes us to wonder about his care is his care. He knows that trouble will reveal our hearts.”

I know that this time, while not fun and painful to walk through, is growing and teaching me things I could not learn or benefit from while sitting comfortably in my comfort zone. I believe that pain and hardship always serves a purpose, and comfort, while nice to have and enjoy, keeps us stagnant.

Less dependence

I will have a more defined view when I can look back on these days, but while in the thick of it, I can see a few things emerging in me that I otherwise would not have found.

First, there’s the matter of dependence. It seems to have come up for me in a number of ways over the past year or so. Dependence on a substance (such as alcohol) is bad. Dependence on another person, even if that person is your spouse, is bad. Dependence on God is good. During this time, I am learning that I can do hard things and when I need help, I ask. When someone wants to be kind, I let them. But there is a difference between accepting help and depending on another person to take care of you and make you happy. A union should be made up of two complete people.

More patience

Another thing is patience. I think a big part of learning the art of patience is accepting that we are not in control. That the universe has its own timeline, and we will do much better for ourselves if we take on the role of participant instead of orchestrator. I have the tendency to want things to happen on my timeline and to start grasping for control when they don’t. I try to take action and force outcomes.

As Auguste Rodin writes, “Patience is it’s own form of action.” Learning to wait, to let things unfold as they will, and still managing to enjoy the meantime is a noble and important undertaking. To take it a step further, not just enjoying, but infusing the meantime with meaning. How much of our lives are spent in what we consider to be a waiting place? Isn’t this time when we are held back from what we want or from moving forward valuable? Isn’t it worth trying to figure out what life is trying to teach us by keeping us in a holding pattern? What isn’t working? What is broken? What do we have to change before moving forward? Patience is fertile ground for growth.

Growing through it

This time that is stretching me is just an uphill portion of the wellness journey I started when I decided to stop drinking. The order of events matters, and I believe, divinely planned. I did something really hard–kicked the drink–and when I felt like I’d hit my stride, I took on the other things I was putting into my body and started eating healthy and exercising daily. Now, this time and these circumstances are handing me the next growth challenge. But I know by now that our hearts are revealed through the struggle. And the biggest gains come from enduring and overcoming what we thought we could not.

During these times, don’t forget to look up and look around. You will find God caring for you in ways you never expected. You will find you are growing in ways you never planned, but probably need to experience in order to move forward.