Does online connection count and other things introverts wonder about…

The verdict is in on connection and the general consensus is that it extends your life expectancy, increases your chances of staying sober in recovery and is necessary to thrive spiritually. Good stuff, unless you’re an introvert. Unless being around people wears you out instead of recharges you. I’ve written about my introverted nature before and it’s something that I continue to turn over in my mind like agate in a rock tumbler. How, on one hand, I need to accept who I am and embrace it; there’s nothing wrong with wanting to be alone. On the other hand, the achiever in me wants to do everything right and if I am supposed to have a community of girlfriends, sober friends, and Christian friends (bonus if they are all three!) to get the most out of life, then…well…am I failing?

My in-laws are separating, not for the first time, and my father-in-law has chosen to go live on an unfinished sailboat in a marina on the delta. Not the just sleep on your fancy boat and still have a normal life with a job, friends, and other places to be. More like the stay there all day, talk to no one and eat canned foods kind of deal. I don’t have a close relationship with this man, but I can’t stop thinking about him, when it rains, when it gets cold and dark early, alone, on a boat without electricity or even a cat to talk to. It’s not normal. But then I wonder if I’m comparing myself to him to make me feel better, like in my drinking days when I delighted to hear stories about scandalous drunks so I could say, I’m not that bad.

Actually, my father-in-law has been sober for decades, he’s a believer, and he’s a hermit. Maybe he’ll live to be 100. But still, says the voice in my head, it’s not normal.

Then I find myself scanning my daily interactions, measuring the amount of people time to see if it’s enough. But how much is enough? Are there a number of minutes that qualifies? A number of friends that satisfies? And my latest question, do online friends and communities count as connection?

I know many will say it’s not the same, and they have a point in the fact that you don’t get the physical experience of connecting with someone. The eye contact, the encouraging hug at the end of the exchange, that fulfilling physical presence. But I say, how many of us spend time with people these days when we aren’t fully present anyway? At least when you are chatting or commenting with someone online, your attention is on what you are saying, and the reaction you anticipate from your exchange. Much like writing a letter, or talking on the phone to someone who is not with you.

Also, with online communities, the net is cast wide, over most of the world in fact, so if you are part of a sober blogging group, or a member of a collection of people who love West Highland white terriers, or cactus, or bird photography, or amazing historical fiction, you can find your people anywhere, or everywhere. IRL, your limited by geography, and the time it takes to go find these cool individuals. With all of it’s drawbacks, I say technology does help us find our people, and I come away with the same glow from a significant connection online as I do from coffee with a girlfriend.

Another example: I am signing up for an online “fit after forty” coaching program with customized workout routines, nutritional coaching and weekly Zoom calls because I don’t have the desire to join a gym and have some 20-something muscle dude help me with my fat old-lady problems. And I wouldn’t have access to this successful 40-something, kick-ass woman in my small foothill community.

So I say it is okay to capitalize on the benefits of bringing connection to you when and where it’s convenient. You can always find who your looking for and it is an opportunity to meet amazing people you would never know otherwise. And it’s not face-to-face connection, but as long as it’s not your only way of interacting with others, I say you’re normal…even healthy.