Why do we always tend to look toward another time, season, life circumstance to find contentment?
When I finish school and start my career…
When I can quit my job and raise children…
When my kids are older and more independent…
When we are kid-free and have extra time…
When we retire and have the freedom to travel…
Why is it so difficult to be happy with who we are, where we are, at this moment in time?
And when the normal human tendency to be discontent is compounded by years of drinking, the result is a life spent existing, not living.
Alcohol is a great life waster.
The hours spent drinking turn into a blur of lost ambition and the hours that follow drinking turn into a tunnel of misery and lost productivity. Waiting to feel better so we can do it all again. Doing it all again so we can feel better.
And an existence fueled by alcohol is ripe with discontentment. We make half-hearted goals that we don’t follow through with. Feeble attempts to climb out of our unhappy circumstances. Plans for better days. And after awhile we get really, really tired of being stuck.
When I moved out of the fog of an existence fueled by alcohol, I looked around and saw a stack of years that I didn’t feel proud of nor even really remember. I can scroll through pictures on my phone and see images of myself, mostly hiding in the background, and don’t remember what it felt like to experience that moment.
Naturally, this makes me want to re-engage with life. And since I’ve started feeling much better, I find it is easier to find contentment in the little things. I’ve wasted almost three decades experiencing my life through an anesthetizing filter. Leaving alcohol behind has led me to realize that I need to start living today. Each day.
Because the babies have grown; my oldest towers over me now and won’t be under my roof much longer. Soon, that handsome young face I get to look up at in my home will only be a smiling face on my wall of school portraits. As author Gretchen Rubin points out, the days are long but the years are short.
When I feel the fatigue of taking care of people and start wishing for an easier time, I stop. I do something to take care of myself as well, and I remember to treasure today. To be grateful for the little things: an after dinner limbo contest (where I hold the paddle board paddle and play music from my phone); a heart-to-heart conversation with my son in the car; a bedtime story with my youngest who will someday soon lose interest in stories.
Finding contentment in the everyday is a discipline that remains under development for sure. It is surprisingly difficult to stay in the present and not skip forward or backward in time. I feel a great sense of wasted time coupled with a sense of urgency to live life to the fullest now that I’m clear and content.
Those feelings bring to mind the Hollywood ideal of what a big life should look like; the protagonist who gets a second chance at life and sells off all she owns to travel the world while she eats, prays and loves.
Then I remind myself that my thoughts aren’t my self and my life needs to feel and look right only to me. I remind myself that a life well-lived doesn’t have to be packed with big adventures, but simple, treasured moments, like pieces of sea glass on the beach, polished and well loved by the waves.
I give myself permission to live in the busy day-to-day of raising kids and working full-time and all that this entails. Permission to live a life made up of supporting and caring for the needs of those I love (my children, my students) so they turn into self-sufficient humans with talents and interests that have been recognized and encouraged. That a day filled with teaching, mentoring, games, practices, cooking and homework can bring with it a sense of contentment and reward, as long as I live in it and appreciate each moment.
Because this is important work. And because it won’t last, and when it’s over, I’ll miss it. They days are long but the years are short. The time will come for my own adventures, but right now I’m practicing the art of contentment in every season I have left.
Collette I just have to say I truly loved this post. I could apply it all to me and as always it was beautifully written and really thought provoking. It can be so tricky to live in the present. I don’t think I even understood what that meant a few months back, though I could talk the talk. My biggest breakthrough since stopping boozing is definitely recognising that the boys do still need to have that time with me and they enjoy it when it happens. For too long I wasted time grieving for times gone past and felt sad about what the future looked like. This still happens but I’m slowly getting better at stopping it spiralling.
“Because this is important work. And because it won’t last, and when it’s over, I’ll miss it.”
Thanks 😊
Xxx
Thank you, Claire. It’s such a mom thing to feel guilty about everything. Then when you’re coming out of a long term relationship with booze that guilt and regret is compounded. I feel like the only antidote to that is being grateful for the time we have each day, and to trying to make the most of it, even if it’s enjoying the little things. ♥️🙏
It really is. I do try really hard now to think about the little things and ‘moments’ that are special for me. I find that just being kind helps me do that sometimes.
Xxx
Love that! So true. Xx
Contentment is a welcome feeling after years of drinking. Continue giving yourself permission to live, one day at a time and sometimes one moment at a time. Clarity breathes awareness. <3
Yes! That process of constantly bringing yourself back to the present, and learning new coping skills for when the present isn’t all that great. Thank you! ♥️🙏
My pleasure. My worst day sober is still better than my best day drunk. ☺
100 percent ♥️
Great line!
It is difficult to live in the moment. Life is stressful at all stages and I think we hope that when one thing or another changes it will mean less stress. Often it just means different stress. But waiting for change is not the most effective way to deal with stress – finding balance in your life and learning to say “no” to things, finding healthy outlets for that stress (for me, it’s running/exercise). Anyway. I really liked this post. Keep giving yourself permission to live.
Thank you, Kimi! Finding balance and coping strategies, healthy outlets, is all so important to our wellness! 👍🏻♥️
This definitely made me pause, especially after all of my years in the fog. I like this concept of practicing the art of contentment❤️. Thanks, Collette🤗
Thank you, Dwight! Definitely a concept that needs to be practiced but I think we have an advantage over others who haven’t had to struggle in the same way because we are grateful to not be wasting our lives away any longer. Time is more precious. ♥️👍🏻
for some reason this made me think about some days i started having, somewhere around august and then again in december last year. It started to get “dull” for me. You know, that day to day stuff? I pondered moderation a few times during those days, but never gave in to it. It sounds like you are enjoying the clarity and have worked out a way through those days — congrats!! and keep going!
Thank you Lovie! I get caught up in the daily-ness of life sometimes, longing for something different. Alcohol was always an escape, but so temporary and cruel when it lets you down. I think finding a way to appreciate life even in its monotony is important, as is contentment regardless of circumstances. Xo
my best tome during recovery was actually 6 through 12 months. Some of my old stuff is coming up again and it seems harder now. I don’t know how many others go thru it after a year, but maybe someone will post on that soon. I could use a good boost. Mostly i read what i do know , and that is, sobriety is infinitely better than what i had. And for sure i know i cant moderate once i start. But , even after a year, it isn’t alway peaches & cream and i long for my more” relaxed” self at times. So, still a process:)
Yes, I’m about to hit a Year…I think we look forward to reaching the miles and then there’s a bit of, now what…is this how it’s going to be from here on out? Be kind to yourself. Xo
yes, exactly..and thats why i kind of have to search for a few more blogs on here..most i have so far are in one year or less of the process. I need ti be reading some about those in their 2nd year or so..at least, to my way of thinking. Just having people to relate to time wise as well. Because believe me, the past few weeks have been like a pendulum. Now that i know ‘why’ i started drinking and “why” i used it, it seems like a tougher thing almost, to justify certain aspects of quitting. BUT i will forge on, knowing that this is also part of the process.
Are you a reader? William Porter’s book Alcohol Explained really helped me with what I consider the essential mindset shift I needed. He has a second book now that I haven’t read but plan on and it is supposed to have lots of tips and tools for living alcohol free permanently. It might be worth checking out. Read the first one first though. Glad to hear you are forging on…I think it’s the only way we make forward progress. Xx
if i can find it on disc at the library i will give it a listen. I don’t read actual books often anymore with my declining eye sight but i listen on my commute ( 2 hours a day) so still get lots of “books” in..lmao..i will look for this one..thanks!
Great post Collette. I especially love this “the days are long but the years are short” and this “my thoughts aren’t my self.” Aside from finding God, which was my ultimate reward in recovery, learning to think about my thinking has been the greatest gift.
For me as well. I think you do a really good job at being content and capturing moments through your art! ♥️👍🏻
Another incredible post! I really could relate to this. I think about this a lot, especially with my daughter growing up so quickly and also after I have had significant health challenges. I often feel like I should run away and travel the world (but for the school!). But then, I have had this thought also many times (but it isn’t so beautiful in my head, of course😊): “I remind myself that a life well-lived doesn’t have to be packed with big adventures, but simple, treasured moments, like pieces of sea glass on the beach, polished and well loved by the waves.” Yes, I really think that’s true.
I loved this for the message but also because you write so beautifully! Also trying to cultivate appreciation of all those small moments that make up a life not the big events -and mostly valuing the time with my loved ones human and animal! And yes the years are short – wonderful! Xx💞💞💞
Thank you so much! Yes, valuing time with loved ones. And animals are wonderful examples to us on how to be present. Xx
Beautiful words, Collette!
You are a gifted writer!
xo
Wendy
Thanks so much, Wendy! Xo