My son called from college last night, and I sat down to catch up with him on the past few weeks. Last weekend, he was to attend a social event with his girlfriend put on by her sorority and their partner fraternity. She’d been asking him repeatedly to go to one of these functions but he always turned it down, explaining he’s not a fan of Greek events or the whole Greek system in general.
As an ex-drinker, I’ve been happy to see he’s not much into the party scene, preferring athletics and hanging out with his teammates rather than keg-stands and chaos. But I know his girlfriend of many years now is into it, or at least the social aspects that come with it. She pledged a sorority last year and lives with several of the members. Her younger sister now attends the same college and pledged the same sorority. They are always busy with service events and social events and, well, being sisters.
I talked to my son about going to this event because it’s really important to her, and that relationships require compromise. I know there is the layer of my son’s anxiety added to the equation, but I still encouraged him to set outside his comfort zone and see if he might have fun, or at least make his girlfriend happy.
So back to last weekend and my son’s retelling of the event. Apparently, they arrived at the house where he was introduced to a room full of guys and left on his own while she circulated with her girlfriends and took pictures. He said he was uncomfortable and felt like they weren’t friendly or approachable. He felt like an outsider. Then, they had to go to a “holding room” for an hour and a half before they were transported to the yacht club in order to sober up. Here, he felt uncomfortable and claustrophobic, and his anxiety got the better of him.
“It was exactly how I thought it would be,” he reported. They ended up not going to the yacht club, getting into an argument, and my son was on the receiving end of a lot of “bad vibes” from his girlfriend’s sisters.
I felt sad for him; disappointed that it hadn’t worked out and the night turned sour. Later, I kept thinking of his assessment of the evening, and that it was just as he had expected. And maybe that’s the point. I’m going to sit down with him when he comes home next week and talk about our minds.
We so often underestimate the power of our thoughts and expectations. We forget that we form ideas of how things will be and our brains seek out experiences that match. That make it so. Call it confirmation bias, or self-sabotage, but what we think about, we often bring about. I know that mental health issues such as anxiety makes it so much harder to control your thoughts. My son takes medication to make it manageable, but there are still times when negative expectations rule the day.
The challenge is to catch the negative screenplay in our minds, and consciously change it. There was an experiment done where a basketball team was split into two groups and one group practiced daily while the other group visualized themselves playing a perfect game. The end result is that both groups equally improved. Picturing a positive outcome is as important as practicing it.
It’s a good reminder to me, going into the holidays, going through a rough season of life, that what I think about, I bring about. So why not start visualizing success instead of failure? Enjoying the day instead of moving through it? Expecting the best rather than the worse. That sounds like a big way to live, and these days, I’m ready for something big.
Big hugs to your son and you, Collette. So very hard to see our kids go through the anxieties we’ve also experienced. I think that’s a great idea on the talk with him. For myself I can relate, it’s not always “natural” to expect goodness and definitely takes work on catching/stopping the negativity and creating new positive pathways. I’m sorry you’ve been experiencing heaviness. Sending much light to you both! 🤗✨
Sorry one more thought. Sometimes though there are certain situations that no matter how much positivity I try to muster it still wouldn’t end great if I’m not true to myself. Not sure how to describe those other then my gut and soul saying we shouldn’t be here. Now that I’m older I honor that voice. If I ignore those voices it doesn’t end well or if it’s “okay” there’s usually resentment involved. For what I’m describing here it is more then okay to stand up for yourself and just say no I’m not xxxxx and let it fall out where it falls … otherwise it will crumble later on regardless. Life’s a trip!
Thank you for your support and both of your comments. I get what you’re saying about some situations going against who you really are, and I believe this was one for him. It’s hard because I don’t want to see him shut himself away but I also agree there are some things/events we shouldn’t have to endure. But then, is that fair to his partner? It’s a fine line, and hard to know the right things to say! Happy holidays, my friend! 💛🌟
I feel for you and your son. This describes my daughter as well and it’s now turned into fainting if her anxiety gets too much. She is on medication as well. She knows beforehand she may faint and immediately leaves but it’s so hard as a mom to see/hear them going through this. It was quite honorable for him to go for his girlfriend, she could have been more receptive knowing he has anxiety as well. Great idea to talk with him again and I love how you ended this blog! Glad your son is very communicative with you about this, our daughter is as well. Thinking of you!!
Yes, it’s so hard to watch them struggle. I just don’t want him to keep withdrawing from social situations because I think it gets more manageable with practice and worse if you always stay home! Happy holidays my friend! 💛🌟
I couldn’t agree more! Happy Holidays to you as well!! ❤️
More hugs to you and your son!
I have to say, it’s too bad his girlfriend wasn’t more supportive and stayed by his side more or checked in on him more often.
Then again, she’s young.
Sometimes I can positive talk myself into a better outcome in an anxiety situation, other times it really is just too hard of a situation.
Practice helps, so does time, therapy and maturity.
At least in my case!
xo
Wendy
Yes to all of these things! Happy holidays, my friend! 💛🌟
i agree with the above…sometimes we have to encourage our children to step outside of their box , but it can be hard when they feel anxiety or it doesnt go as well as they ( or we) had hoped. As a parent i felt felt deep guilt at times for maybe pushing when i shouldnt have. But then again, there are times i wish i had encouraged a little more. I guess we just do the best we can as each situation presents itself. As they say, life doesnt come with instructions, nor do children. I sounds like you both had some things to take away from the experience if nothing else. Hugs!
Thanks Lovie! Yes, I seem to always wonder if I’m doing the right thing as far as parenting. This may have not been the right event to push him to attend, but it was more to show him compromise is important. Yes, always learning, always a lesson! Hugs to you! 🌟💛