The questions…
Sometimes, I seem to have way more questions than answers.
Today, for instance, my new year musings began with:
Why do I always side against myself, instead of for myself?
Why do I fill my mouth with food, when trying to fill my heart?
Why do I live in my head, instead of in the world?
Why do I constantly doubt my originality and feel as if I have nothing new to say?
Why do I always find an excuse to not do the one thing I feel I’m meant to do?
It can be exhausting, engaging in the mental dance of doubt and desire, of discipline and disintegration. Bursts of productivity followed by craving peace and stillness. The urge to speak paired with the allure of silence.
Maybe it’s more of an ebb and flow. An acceptance that the motivation to be better often comes with an acknowledgement of what we lack. There must be an awareness of the dark if we are to see the light.
The culprits…
I know where this line of questioning comes from. It is caused by self-doubt, a longing to feel complete, and a vigilant critic that likes to call into question my qualifications at every turn. These are aspects of myself that I need to accept just like my good qualities, because they do contribute to the greater purpose of helping me grow and thrive.
For instance, I can try to ignore the self-doubt that likes to accompany any sense of progress I experience, or I can turn to it, acknowledge it, and say: “Hello, old friend. Since you insist on sticking around, you might as well sit in the back seat along with the other stragglers I have yet to fully evict from my life.
For now, it can ride in the back, while I’m still figuring things out. It’s a process, this wellness journey. Alcohol is gone…I gathered the strength to kick it out of my life awhile ago. But I always keep a watchful eye in case it tries to sneak in the back door and party with the rest.
Hunger, or the desire to feel full, is another unwelcome presence. It visits me when I’m bored, when I want a reward, or when I’m searching for fulfillment. The pleasure of a piece of chocolate melting in my mouth lasts for approximately 15 seconds… so why do I constantly fall into temptation? Hunger that is not physical, but emotional, also needs to take a back seat.
And then there’s the critic, perhaps my oldest acquaintance. Formed from words of judgment or jealousy, carelessness or cattiness. At some point these voices turned into my own and took up space in my head. I gained a major victory over this inner-critic when I put down the wine and picked up my pen. But it is still with me, huddled in the back, and likes to throw out jabs about my appearance or my latest writing project. The inner-critic and self-doubt are best friends.
The solution…
But perhaps they are necessary if I am to truly grow, and truly live. What is validation without self-doubt? What is fulfillment without hunger? And what is success without the drive to do and be better?
I can fight these forces that are often viewed as unhealthy or unwelcome, or I can embrace them as the fuel for the journey. Or at least accept that they have something to contribute to the process. They are necessary parts of the human experience…
But they have to sit in the back seat if I’m driving.
Beautiful Collette – makes me think of Rumi’s poem – I love the idea of them sitting in the back seat! Happy new year my friend xx💞💞
Thank you, DGS. As long as they don’t become backseat drivers, as Dwight cautioned. Hopefully someday, I’ll only have a two-seater. Take care, friend. Xx
I’m glad to hear other people also drive around with these things in the backseat!
Thanks for a lovely post Colette.
I have five other qs for you to ponder.
Where has my gift of writing come from?
How is it that my writing brings comfort, joy and perspective to so many people?
How will I continue to use my gift of writing to bring about positive change in the world?
I feel strongest when I…
I know things are getting better for me when…
Keep writing Colette. The world needs you.
Thank you so much for the encouragement. It really means a lot. And maybe I have been asking the wrong questions… I am going to contemplate yours, and see what light they bring. Take care and persevere, my friend. Xx
You too Colette. I very much look forward to your next post.
I love this. Definitely driving makes the journey so much worthwhile. You are so good at this.xx
Beautiful. It’s definitely the contrasts that allow us to see the light and feel the love. Once they start being back seat drivers though, kick their asses out.😁
I love it, Dwight. Hope you are well, friend. Xx
Doing great – all revved up for 2021😎
Beautifully written.
I’m inspired and admire how you are dialed in to the voices and choices and continue to ask questions❣️❣️
You share a tale is discovery and growth, all sides and all parts. Life may not always be beautiful but it IS beautiful. ❤️🤗
Yes it is…our definition of beauty changes as we get older and wiser. Xx
This is beautiful Collette, but that last sentence…nailed it. <3
Thank you, friend. I love what Dwight commented, that if they become backseat drivers, they have to go! Hugs to you. Xx
I’m ready to kick all them out of my backseat!
Especially if they aren’t wearing a mask!
Lol
Hugs!
xo
Wendy
Yes, outgrowing the car, and confined spaces, really fast. Xx
I saw you comment on my blog, Shannon’s room and so I am reading your blog and I love it. I too am alcohol free and that journey has helped my overall journey so much.
Thank you, Shannon! I love your blog too. I found it last night and followed it. I think we follow each other on IG too! I’ll put your blog as a resource on my sober toolkit page. 💕