My daughter climbs into bed with me at 4:30 am, after awakening from a nightmare. She cuddles up against me and I stroke her hair, telling her to go back to sleep. Not minding that I am now up for the day. Glad I can be, in this moment, a comforter and a protector. A banisher of bad dreams.
I lay there thinking about a how selfishness defined my personality during my drinking years. Yes, it’s not fun to admit, but self-centeredness won the day when my day included drinking. I was not a pleasant person when anything got in the way of my access to or consumption of alcohol. And afterwards, I was consumed with my self when suffering the results of my consumption.
Times I now regard as precious mom moments–bedtime, games and meets, dinner conversations, mid-night wake-ups–were met begrudgingly, as they interfered with my anticipating, drinking or recovering from drinking. These times were skimmed over or ignored in favor of something that inevitably wiped out the memories anyway. I felt like I didn’t have the energy, the patience, the love or the time to “deal with” these instances. And to be fair, I didn’t. But it was because of something I was doing to myself, not because these moments were intrusions.
I often think of the changes brought about by sobriety as gifts. In fact I did three posts on how consistency, self-knowledge and peace are mine to keep now that I no longer drink. But sobriety has also changed me by what it has taken away. No longer am I filled with regret, self-loathing and selfishness. Sometimes the best gifts are not given, but taken away. I hope that you get to experience this lifting of the unwanted, as well.
Love and light.
this is all a great reminder to me as i continue down the path of sobriety despite some bumps in the road. Its hard to believe that this year i sort of woke up and no longer even care or think about alcohol.The gift of that alone is enough for me. Thank you for another great post!
Thanks for reading, Lovie. Yes we’ve come a long way, and it is a gift!
I have definitely felt all of that. To be frank I didn’t have much empathy. Sobriety was indeed a gift to me and my loved ones. I still have some moments where I think back and cringe… but overall I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not the same person. I’m now able to be 100% me.
Beautiful! Yes, I sometimes cringe (at myself) as well. I love the observation that, when you’re numbing the bad, you’re numbing all the good as well. Take care, my friend!
Totally hit home here. I completely cherish my time with my girls now, even the most simplistic things. It’s the best feeling in the world!
Thank you, Jackie. Yes, it is the best. Heading over to read your latest post now!
Life is just more real now it’s without alcohol.