Happy new year! I’ve noticed that a year has a cycle of its own: The hopeful, verdant productivity of spring; the hot, leisurely lull of summer; the nostalgic, fire-colored winding down of fall; the final determined frosty push of winter. After December, though winter has still some proving to do, we turn to a new year and our thoughts grow reflective. We assess the year ended and invite a recalibration of the year ahead. Even those who don’t vow, resolve, or intend, are tempted to pick up a new marker for the fresh slate ahead.
I’ve been quiet the last few months, largely because I haven’t had much to say. I think I reached my breaking point, filled with so many negative thoughts and bad habits that I felt like a pinata hanging helplessly, waiting to explode. Life narrowed down to a telescopic view of what was immediately ahead and how I could navigate each day with the least amount of effort or engagement. Washing my hair became an event on my evening calendar. A game on my phone contained my hope and ambition for the day. Mindlessly eating every “good” thing was my attempt to feel happy or content, or filled.
But even in the fog, something inside me knew this wasn’t the right way to live. My body and mind are going through their own processes, and will continue to, whether I hide in bed with a piece of fudge or bravely push through and claim victory. I went to the doctor. I added a new medication for depression. I complained (a lot) to my friends, mom, husband and certain co-workers, who I knew would get it. I read (a lot) about hormones and supplements and food and drugs. I fell into a handful of bad habits as coping mechanisms, because, if I don’t drink, I need something, right?
And finally, I promised myself that this year would be different.
Before you roll your eyes and maybe read a bunch of promises and intentions I can’t possibly keep, know that I’ve learned.
I’ve learned to be kind to myself because life always has an event or circumstance to humble you once you think you have things figured out. Always a storm to blow you off course, a hole to fall in to, or a deception disguised as opportunity to raise your hopes.
I’ve learned that, even though we have an urge to change our ways when we behold a clean slate, our ways are often deeply embedded and waiting for us to find them again when feeling vulnerable.
I’ve learned that small steps in the right direction get you there faster than misleading leaps or painful bounds.
So, in that light, I woke up this morning and I did some small, good things that I may or may not continue throughout this year. I recognize that what I’m dealing with isn’t easily solved, that there is no magic pill or simple answer to make me feel better. But what is different about today, this first day of a new year, is that I feel a glimmer of hope, of empowerment, of desire. I see my old spark in the distance, bidding me onward through this dark and confusing forest.
But how to reach it, and reclaim it as my own?
I have no map to get there, which will have to be okay. I have thoughts to share, ideas to implement and small steps that I’m counting (literally) on to get me there. And where is there, by the way? I’ve lived long enough to know that we’ll never really get “there” but that the true victory is in progress, and enjoying the ride while it lasts.
So my small steps today consisted of deleting the app on which I was spending 2+ hours a day. Opening my laptop and writing again. Reading my new Bible study that will take me through these next four seasons. Lacing my sneakers for a brisk, long walk. And mapping out a healthy eating plan for the next 24 hours. I am again reminded that a year, a month, and sometimes a week is too big to tackle when you’ve been wrecked and washed ashore. But a day is doable, and the best place to start.
Wishing you small steps of greatness in 2023.
Happy New Year my beautiful Collette🤗. I feel your hope and envision the sparks of life coming from your soul working diligently to obliterate the “crap” to shine brightly again inward and outward. I close my eyes and know it is so. It’s interesting, getting out and walking has always been my base too in regards to coming back uP. The dark nights and sick and tired(s) is our wake up calls. We gleam new information and ultimately get wiser and stronger. So glad you are focusing on kindness for yourself and taking small steps forward. A big YES from me. I know it’s hard for you to see it, but I see that wonderful you shining. ❤️
Happy New Year my lovely friend! Thank you for your support! It means so much. Yes, walking is definitely therapeutic, surrounded by fresh air and new views. This and daily small steps. Sending love and light to you!
Hello my friend! How are you? 🤗❤️🦋
Hello, dear friend. I’m doing okay! Quiet, contemplative. Reimagining. I’m still here. Hope you are well. Hugs to you!
Happy New Year Colette! Small steps are perfect and I love your small steps! I had to use small steps with alcohol. I kept failing at counting days and making a certain timeline to abstain. When I started going day by day is when I made progress. It’s 6:21am here and I just put out our garbage to the curb. ( They come at 7am ) I was cranky at the task but getting outside made me come back in with a better mindset. Crazy how taking a walk or just getting outside can do that. Make sure to be proud at the end of each day with your small steps too! I’m thinking of you my friend! ❤️❤️❤️
Day by day is the best way, Jackie. Those small, repeated choices and actions give us the momentum we need to sustain positive change. Happy New Year my friend!
Happy new year! I always love the feeling of having a blank slate. ❤️
Happy New Year, Sara! I hope yours is headed in a positive direction!
Beautiful post 🙂 And all those small steps really to Build up to real changes, so well done 🙂 xxx happy new year ! xxx Anne
Thank you, Anne. Happy New Year to you! I’ve read that you are teaching and are feeling the “upheaval” that accompanies it. Feel free to message me on IG if you need any advice or perspective. Glad you’re back on WP!
Thanks Colette 🙂 that’s so sweet of you ! Xoxoxo
Lovely, honest post Collette. Life can be so very tough at times and depression is all too real for many of us. Taking those small steps is essential because the big steps are so scary and daunting we put them off. Deleting apps that sap our time and energy is a fabulous first step. I sent a message to someone who was totally toxic for me in my life pre-sobriety years ago and I’ve allowed back in again. I told them I couldn’t have them in my life anymore. I was polite but clear. I needed to do it. Small steps. You got this and we have all for you 💞💞💕
Thank you, Claire. It’s the only way to go, isn’t it? Small steps that lead to a positive life. That was brave of you to set boundaries as well. We are in this journey together, friend!