Sunday Meditation: Loving Without an Agenda

Our society runs on agendas. Your day may run on a this type of itemized list. Agendas aid in organization and productivity. But what about the agenda that we don’t write on a page, but compose in our hearts and minds?

This type of agenda, sometimes called a “hidden agenda” is often formulated without our conscious composing. It is transactional in nature, and may have its origins in our evolutionary survival instincts. You do this for me, and I’ll do that for you. This agenda is a running mental record of things we do for others, and it takes note when others don’t repay in kind.

This transactional agenda is helpful when looking to feel justified over resentments that pop up after a period of time. We tend to notice when we feel we are making an effort for others and those others aren’t making the same effort for us. Especially when our world is small and centered around the self.

People who are caught up in addiction often form transactional thinking. In my drinking days, wine was my agenda and everything else tended to get in the way. I had to make room in my day for the activities that were supposed to be my day, so that I had all the time I needed to drink. Kids’ practices and games, dinner, homework and exercise? These were considered inconveniences to me, as all I wanted to do was unwind with wine.

I have to take you to practice 20 minutes after we get home? Do I have time for that first glass of wine? Yes, if I drink it quickly...

We expect our addiction to do something for us as we give it our undying devotion in return. You rob me of everything? I’d better get something in return. That “something” is usually a small amount of relaxation, numbing, or a brief period of tuning out.

But alcohol and other addictive substances are always loan sharks. They take so much more than they give.

The thoughts inevitably creep in…resentments over having to do things for others when all we really want to do is relax. Our hidden agenda pops up. I cooked dinner five nights this week, and he’s over there on the couch, NOT doing the dishes again. We start keeping score. In our eyes, we have it worse than anyone. We do it all, and what do we get in return? Usually, an argument.

Addictions make us selfish and ego driven. Everything is about us: our problems, our overwhelm, our lack of support, our need to escape our lives. When we do have to do things for others, we resent it.

However, when we break free from the cycle of addiction, we break free from our selfish existence. We start to feel better, and take interest in the life that is playing out all around us. The life that was here all along, that we didn’t notice because we were so caught up in our own drama.

We begin to enjoy conversations, real conversations where we look our loved ones in the eyes, hear what they have to say, and soak in their presence. We feel the need to connect with others, to love others, and to show them our love through acts of kindness and caring.

We begin to learn to love without an agenda.

We are able to love because we drop resentments and expectations and pick up acceptance and gratitude. We accept those we love for who they are, not who we think they should be or how they can possibly help us. We feel gratitude because we no longer practice keeping score.

We see that love really can’t be love if it has an attached agenda. That love can’t exist in the presence of conditions and resentments. We feel, maybe for the first time, the pleasure in loving someone without expectations of anything in return.

We love others like we love our children, without exception or expectations. We love others like God loves us, whole-heartedly and unceasingly.

And we experience the true freedom found in loving without an agenda.