Why Keep Waiting for an Ending?

A friend of mine on Instagram, @soberincalifornia, writes beautiful posts about recovery. This morning, she wrote about how her personal growth has felt stagnant during this pandemic. “The truth is that I’ve used the pandemic as an excuse to ease up on the work that still needs to be done. I’ve gotten lazy in the personal growth department and, if anything, I’ve had more time to work on it.”

This turned a lightbulb on in my head and made me think about the way I’ve been spending my time over the past 10 months. The first stay-at-home order in March coincided with my one-year soberversary. On that day, teachers at my school were told to gather our things from our classrooms and bring our laptops home to start distance learning the following week. My husband was on his overseas deployment. I spent that evening at home with my kids, trying to digest what the “new normal” would look like. I wrote a blog post, gave myself a pat on the back, and called it a night.

What followed that night has been a lot of dailyness and the adopting of a task-oriented mindset. In the first months we all sat around, waiting for it to pass. When it became obvious that things weren’t changing, or maybe just getting worse, we settled into it. I settled into the fact that my husband would not be home that spring, that I needed to run the household, teach online and help my kids through distance learning.

Then came summer in limbo. Trips cancelled. Parks and swimming pools closed. Entertainment a thing from the “good ole’ days.” It was a summer to get through, again, with the vague hope that things would soon be better.

Summer ushered in fall, without the return to school and with the election season in full swing. Oh heck, I think I’ll just skip over fall…

Anyway, my point is that here we are in winter, still in the thick of it, and what do I have to say for myself? What does anyone have to say for themselves? I can freely admit that I have not managed my time well, or accomplished many (if any) goals, or made any sort of significant progress on my wellness journey.

I will say I’ve stayed sober, but somehow I don’t view that as progress, but more as status-quo. I’m ten pounds heavier than I was at this point last year, so that is growth in the wrong direction. My blog tagline is “Choosing to live rather than exist,” but there hasn’t been a whole lot of living going on.

I spent the last decade of my drinking years perfecting the art of existence. Trapped in the sensation that time was passing by around me yet I was completely still. Stagnant. Stuck on repeat. I’ve done the existence thing and I promised myself I would start living, each day. Each precious, unique day.

But it doesn’t feel like that’s what I’m doing now. Now, it’s more like, try to keep up with and follow rules. Keep my head down and eyes averted so as not to piss anyone off. Sanitize, wash, repeat. Go through the series of daily tasks and to-dos in order to get to the next day, week, month…year…of waiting for this to be over.

What I’m wondering is, at what point do we say, “Okay, this isn’t ending so I need to do some starting.” We’ve shown that we can eat, sleep, work, workout, and socialize from home… now how do I go about starting to thrive? How do I go about growing or improving? How can I start achieving what I set out to achieve? How do I stop waiting and start living with meaning?

Because I’m doing fine at living, but what I’m not doing is living with meaning. I’m not being impactful. I’m not satisfied, or fulfilled or content with how I’m living. Maybe my tagline should read: Choosing to live with meaning rather than just exist. And then, I need to choose it.

Right now, we are all doing the best we can. We are surviving. We are following all of the ever-changing rules, encouraging our kids in a dismal educational environment. We are contenting ourselves with not going out, or socializing face-to-face. We are watching our students forgo sports games, dances and social clubs. We are settling for screentime over human contact. We are checking off our to-do lists. And we are all, I think, very, very, tired.

But are we living with meaning? And, if not, when do we start? What started as two weeks, became months, then seasons and now is heading toward a year.

I promised myself when I stopped drinking that I would start living and then, as fate would have it, the world shut down. I’m learning that living doesn’t have to be going and doing. But it does need to be intentional and it can start today.

What have you been putting off? What can you start? What will bring back that sense of satisfaction or fulfillment? Where can you find meaning?

And why wait another day? Why wait for an ending when you can have a starting?