This last week contained a lot of going for me; more going than I’ve done in a long time. I returned to the classroom, which meant returning to commuting and arriving somewhere on time. A return to dropping my daughter off at school day-care, packing lunches and remembering all the things that enable you to get through a day of working outside of the home.
I also travelled out of state Thursday through Sunday with my son to his club volleyball tournament in Utah. This included going on an airplane for the first time since, you know, that thing that happened that changed life as we know it. It was also the first time in a long time that I was in a big building with lots of other people. Masked people, sitting on bleachers, watching volleyball matches and using lots of hand sanitizer.
Returning to school, to sports events with our kids… who knows if they are the “right” decisions. I guess time will tell. But we are venturing forth carefully, doing all we can to be “preventative.” It feels right to me, and I have the choice, whether or not to participate in life. As I said in my last post, I feel the need to get out into the world and do some doing.
To school
At school, I welcomed new students and see new babies. I personally encouraged someone who needed motivation, had a heart-to-heart with one who’s heart needed mending, and connected another with resources for food and housing. These things seem to slip through the cracks on Microsoft Teams. It felt right; like I needed to be with the people who were there. The others I can still make time for online. But sometimes, you have to brave the wilderness to make those heart connections. I don’t regret a thing and I look forward to more.
To Utah
On the trip, my son and I spent some time together, which is a rarity these days. I watched him interact with his friends and teammates, and saw how he too is a leader and encourager. At 6’5”, the impressive athleticism is all his own and it’s a treat to watch him come into his own. I also socialized and met a lovely mom who also loves her kids fiercely and struggles with her weight and finds interacting with people all day exhausting (and we even found time to squeeze in some shopping).
So while I summoned my courage to be social and join in, I also had to find my courage to stand alone and be different. I declined the afternoon trip to the liquor store with her some of the other parents, because, “It is Utah and you have to plan.” I declined a cocktail “hour” after a long day because “I don’t drink.”
Side note: I then had a priceless moment with our son back in our room, when I confessed to him I always feel awkward when I tell people I don’t drink, and he said, “That’s what I do all the time mom.” LOVE that kid!!!
The next night, I didn’t get asked to join in cocktail “hour.” My son hung out with his teammates in another room. I returned to the quiet sanctuary of my hotel room, talked to my husband, watched a few episodes of “Mom”, may have made a trip to the vending machine for chocolate, read a good book and went to bed…happy.
Peace with ghosts
Here’s the thing. A few years ago, I was them. Planning and purchasing and waiting through the game hours until it was my time. My time to drink, and talk, and drink, and laugh, and drink, and be loud, and drink, and be made fun of by the teenagers as I wobbled off to bed and struggled with my room key. Then it was my time to overthink and sit with self-conscious loathing, and sleep fitfully, and make trips to the bathroom with a pounding head and dry mouth and suffer through the first half of the next day. Until it was time to wait again. I could so easily see the ghost of my old self, partying right along with them. Overstaying my welcome in order to have just one more…
And now, it’s my time to enjoy life. To be my own friend. To connect with my kids. To be able to look people in the eye and be accountable for everything I do and say. To relax at night with a good book and some chocolate and wake up content and grateful for another day. The waiting time has gone. Now, I’m free to go and do and feel good. So that is what I did. And I don’t regret a thing.
Isn’t it a fabulous feeling not to participate by choice? I love what your son said!!! The sanctuary of the hotel room and going to bed happy. Not a single regret my darling. xxx
Yes, the freedom of not having to participate (for my own selfish reasons) along with letting go of what others think were both big insights for me on this trip. And it’s a strange mix of humility and pride when the one you raised starts giving you life advice 🙂 Xx
It is my darling. She hands my words back to me everyday, with her own spin of course. 🙂
Fantastic, Collette! Sounds like it all has been going just as it is supposed to go. 💕
It was a great growth experience. Thank you, Leafy!
Love this post Collette – just enjoying the event and the time without it all being about alcohol – your son sounds like an amazing young man! 😘😘
Thank you, DGS. I really did enjoy just taking it all in…I wish I had more of these years left with him. But I know I need to treasure what I have. Xx
Yaaaaaaay to hotel room chocolate!!!! 😉 and big respect for making decisions that align with who you are now. I saw the pics of your son and his team on instagram, he seems like a wonderful human, to say “I do it all the time mom” in such a beautifully encouraging way. He is lucky to have you and you him! Big hugs xxxx <3 xxx Anne
Thank you, Dr. Anne! Yes, it’s pretty cool when your son gets to the age where he can share wisdom and moral support with you. Could it be we are now “good examples” to each other? Life is such a trip. Xx
OOoooOooo wow I wonder if my parents EVER thought of their kids as examples…. lol probably not 🙂 Your son’s a lucky one 😉 xxxx
If anyone should be held as an example of grit and brilliance it’s you, dear one. We all make our own choices…even those we love. 💕
awwwww <3 <3 <3 #blush and smile
This is wonderful. Just enjoying being you without the alcohol is the best feeling. Your son sounds awesome. xxx
Thank you, Gary. I had lots of time on this trip to stretch myself, be social and grow comfortable with who I am now. And on the whole, I really enjoyed it!! Xx
Fab post Collette, I am so glad everything went well. The trip seems to have got rid of some demons. Reading this made me think about the times I have been away on hotels with work, on my own, nipping out to get some mini bottles of wine to drink on my room. I can’t believe that was me now but I made myself feel so awful doing that. I couldn’t get through the evenings sitting there without it. Now the thought of a hotel room, chocolate and a cup of tea seems like the epitome of bliss. How we have changed and how far we have come. What a lovely son you have too. Xxx
Thank you, Claire! Yes, it did make me realize I’ve come a long way in a relatively short time. And I never want to lose this ground I’ve gained. Being at peace with who you are is priceless, I know I’ve said it before. My son always surprises me with his wisdom…he’s been through a lot, and is kind of an “old sole.” We learn from each other, I think. Xx
He sounds lovely. I love meeting an ‘old sole’ ❤️
Funny how when you remember it that way it really wasn’t that fun…so familiar.
You have a smart kid.
❤️
Thank you, Anne. Yes, I really had no desire to torture myself that way, as I had for all those years. Peace is priceless. And the time with my son was equally special. It’s kind of a re-positioning that has taken place in the last few years. I think he’s proud of me, and we are much closer. I have much respect for that kiddo. Xx
Love this post Collette, it says it all really and anyone wavering about whether to give up the booze should read this because it’s not about what you might lose but what you stand to gain. You are simply a lovely person X
Why, thank you Jim. That is high praise coming from you. I hope someone does read this and it sparks that inner motivation. That hustle for all those years; it was such a lonely place to be. I am thankful for you and all the other supportive, lovely WP people who can share and hopefully inspire others. I hope you are well. Xx