A decadent chocolate dessert. A generous pour of chilled Chardonnay. An enticing display of the new fall line in your favorite storefront. The aroma of your favorite cigarette. Stimuli designed to trip you up, yet again.
We all have our bad habits. Our battles that we’ve spent far too long fighting. Yet, we feel like we try, and try, and try…but inevitably end up giving in. One more glass, one more pound, one more purchase. If this is you, maybe it’s time to check your mindset. Are you equipping yourself for success or dooming yourself to failure?
For a long time, my drinking was the thing about my life I knew I needed to remove. I just had to stop. My resolve in the wee-hours of the morning, fueled by regret and disappointment in myself, always faded during the last hours of my work day. Tired, yet armed with the knowledge I still needed to get home and perform another round of wife things, and mom things. I would tell myself I deserved a bottle to get me through…maybe a big bottle.
I often think about why this commitment to sobriety I’ve made feels so different than previous times. What changed? And I often write about how a big part of it is mindset. Well, here is a deeper dive into what that means.
I am currently reading a great book by Susan David Ph.D., called Emotional Agility. Although I picked it up on my quest to live more intentionally, I have found helpfulness on every page. In one chapter, she writes about the difference between “have to” and “want to” and how tweaking your motivation to make a change can mean the difference between failure and success.
When we think we have to do something, the brain relies on discipline, resolve and willpower, all of which are in limited supply. But when we truly want to do something, we are intrinsically motivated because it aligns with our personal goals and values. We are much more likely to make it a lasting change.
David writes, “want-to motivation is associated with lower automatic attraction toward the stimuli that are going to trip you up….While pursuing a goal for have-to reasons can actually undermine your goal and make you more vulnerable to doing what you supposedly don’t want to do.”
Notice the word “supposedly.” The sad truth is that treatment facilities, weight loss centers, recovery rooms and damaged homes are full of people who supposedly want to get better, but are doing the work because they feel they have to.
I have to quit for my family. I have to lose weight for my spouse. I have to stop [fill in destructive habit here] so I won’t lose my job, or my marriage, or my health. I have to because it’s court-ordered.
But the hard question to ask, and answer is, “Do I really want to?” Whatever the negative behavior is, it has at some point served you as a coping mechanism, a temporary fix, a delaying of the inevitable. Admitting that you want to face life without your crutch-of-choice is a huge, daring, audacious, but completely worth it and rewarding decision.
And I can honestly say, that I got to the point where I was “sick and tired of being sick and tired,” and truly just wanted to stop feeling that way.
To ask ourselves if we really want to do the work required to both stop the behavior and learn healthy behaviors to replace it takes courage and self-examination, but is essential if we are to be successful in doing so.
If we truly want to stop doing something because it is standing in the way of us living out our goals and values, the motivation comes from within. It will stick with us as long as we are intentional about how we live, and want to live. If our motivation to quit is because we feel we have to, we will be acting on sheer willpower and then it’s only a matter of time. Until we get too tired, too overwhelmed, too angry, too lonely…
Willpower serves a short-term purpose, like when we make ourselves do something to achieve an immediate outcome. “I have to study for this test or I will fail.” But willpower will not, does not, cannot, serve as the key to lasting change.
If you can identify with the struggle to give up something destructive, but feel helpless because you’ve failed many times, try honestly examining your motivations for change.
We can’t pay for lasting change on someone else’s tab; we have to want it for ourselves.
This is so true. The bit that is difficult with this though is getting to the point where you ‘want to’. For me it happened with giving up drink because I managed the first couple of weeks through sheer will power, the the benefits were so amazing for my mental health that it moved from a ‘have to’ to a ‘want to’ which then helped me do the work. That is not happening with my sugar addiction I have to say. I wonder if that’s because I don’t truly want to give it up because I feel I deserve some treats in life. Which goes back to my still considering being able to drink as a treat …. which is absolutely is not! More work to do for me I think. Nice post. I may well look up that book. 💕💕
I echo what you say. Especially with sugar. It feels like a have to not a want to. ♡
Yes, I agree. I hope to turn my have to stop eating sweets into a want to. Xx
Same. Xx
Claire, I’ve heard many people say that about sobriety. It starts as a have to and turns into a want to, and thank goodness it does. I think about people who are so sick though, and keep relapsing and drinking themselves to death. It is so sad when it never turns into a want to.
And I agree with you on the sugar thing. I think I still view sugar as an indulgence I deserve because I no longer drink. Tricky business. Hopefully someday I can transform eating healthy as a true want to… Xx
So incredibly true. Numerous times the instant so called comfort/escape ends up causing guilt, shame, and eventually too much pain. At those points internal lightbulbs flick on, we see clearly, and there’s no going back.😊
Yes! Onward is the only way. I just wish every one had the internal lightbulb. It seems like some folks bulb is burnt out, and they have to continue living in darkness. Xx
What a great read this morning before work! That’s how I felt, sick and tired of being sick and tired. I also was sick of always feeling shame when overall I am a darn good person that gives and gives e eryday. So, the daily drinking had to go. As Dwight said that light bulb flicked on!
Ps-I really need to proof read before I hit send. 😆 My little phone is tough to type on.
And off you go. I’m so glad you get to live in the light now. Xx
Love this!!! I for sure still have a strong inner critic who only speaks in terms of “have to”. It takes consistent effort and mindfulness on my part to remind myself to connect with “want to” mentality. When I manage, everything magically feels easy and natural. For me it’s all about getting to that point 🙂 Thanks for the super instructive and thorough post Collette 🙂 <3 xxx Anne
Yes, the inner critic is truly unhelpful on our wellness journeys. Want to is the only way… Thanks, Anne!
yessssss <3
Big , big magic here. I can assert that this still happens to me frequently. And it is always the “want to” part that makes the good “intentions” become reality. Have to only works for a short time.In all transparency, i can even give an example from last night- It had been a long week. Hell, it’s been a long year.And as i have posted quite often since the pandemic began, i have not been a saint about alcohol since March.Still under control 90% of the time though thank goodness. Anyway, I had been up since 730am and on an outing all day in the cold. By 430p i just wanted to get home ( even though the outing was needed and 99% pleasant) and snuggle with my boyfriend. Then came the inevitable question:”how about just getting a 6 pack and having a nice campfire before bed?”. Oy! the truth is we did go get the six packs ( one for each of us) and we did have a camp fire. But in the end, we both only drank 2 and went in to watch a movie. No binging, no chasing the dragon- i didn’t even have that urge for more. And it was simply because i didn’t want to. I didn’t want the full belly of liquid. i didn’t want the possible drama.And i surely did not want the hangover. Where as a year ago ( even in the midst of my first year completely sober) if i had chosen to get ANY alcohol, it would have been the end of my resolve. a year ago, i needed that ‘have to’ mind set. It worked for that short time frame. But i had to embrace the “want to” for any real success. And it still works. Mine may not be the story everyone wants to hear. It isn’t a story of perfection or an iconic tale of heroism in the face of alcohol. But it is reality and the story of my own non linear path. And what you say here is about the closest thing to a secret for success as it comes. Thanks so much collette!
Thank you, Lovie. I’m so glad you found the want to on your non-linear path. You can’t force the want to (as then it’s just a have to). I’m glad we are all on our path to want-to wellness. Hugs to you!
Spot on Collette- relying on willpower for change often leads to disappointment (I know!) but when it’s combined with really wanting the change it’s much easier. I shall start right away -“I want to look twenty years younger” Let’s see what happens😉 X
Haha! Leave it to you to find an interesting angle. If that works, I’ll add lots of items to my want-to list. I want, I want, I want. But seriously…I discovering that all I want is the peace of mind that comes with being accountable to oneself. Living a life doing your honest best. I want to stay on that road! Xx
That sounds a great road to be on Collette, none better. X
Fabulous Collette!
For me, willpower ebbs and flows but “true want” is the real power behind reaching my goals!! 🙂 xo
Your so right. These things don’t tend to stick until you really want it. You see clearly the choices. Let’s all help each other stay on the right road. xx