The tagline for this blog is Choosing to Live Rather than Exist. For me, this distinction means being an active participant in my life instead of going through the motions and passively letting life happen to me.
Up until now, this distinction came with my choice to get sober. When I was drinking, I chose existence by default.
In sobriety, I choose to live my life with action, intention, and meaning. It is a life full of gerunds: praying, meditating, writing, exercising, parenting, cooking, teaching, loving, participating, serving, learning, growing, seeing, seeking, knowing, believing, caring, thinking, enjoying…
With the world now largely shut down and the order to stay at home compounded by the news that I will have to weather this storm without my husband, who is stranded overseas, I feel myself slipping and backsliding.
My life that was full of activity, interaction and purpose is now collapsed down into a series of steps to get through the day. The lens through which I view life has narrowed with the complexities and intricacies now cropped out.
I find myself wondering if I have slid back into existence mode. A sober, fit and healthy existence, but an existence nonetheless. And whether, given the circumstances, this is okay?
I am beginning to realize that living and existing aren’t conditions defined solely by my sobriety. That it is possible to be sober and still feel as if you are missing out on living. All the action words that made up my days prior to this pandemic are now either prohibited or feel like a chore, something to do to keep me on track, with the purpose and joy squeezed out of them.
I am here, in my home, going through the ritual of my morning routine (prayer and quiet time) because that’s what I do, but at this point it feels more like obedience than relationship.
I am here, in my home, doing my best to take care of my children and help them with their schooling. To be seen as someone who knows the answers to all their unknowns when I don’t.
I am here, in my home, assigning lessons to my pregnant and parenting high school students, and trying to give them support virtually. Assuring pregnant teenagers through Google Classroom private comments that they will be okay going to the hospital to give birth. Composing comforting strings of words and phrases that I don’t even trust are accurate. Have I become just another unreliable Internet source?
I am here, in my home, doing at-home workouts and laundry. Cooking and cleaning, so that I can feel healthy and productive, when all I really want to do is curl up under my duvet in my over-sized bed and sleep away the loneliness.
Going through the motions. Doing my best. Checking off mental to-do lists. “Teaching” my students. Trying to be brave. Forcing productivity. Fighting back tears. It all feels like existence, rather than living.
But maybe, under the circumstances, that’s okay…
It is definitely okay. First of all, you are doing WAY more than I could ever imagine. I have a couple classes that take all of a few hours a week, and my fitness blunders, and blogging. And that is it. “I am beginning to realize that living and existing aren’t conditions defined solely by my sobriety.” That is truth right there. So, so true. Sobriety is better than not, but it isn’t a ticket to It’s a Wonderful Life. But it certainly helps us get through the hard times… having that crisp and clear sober mind. All I can say is you are doing awesome given the circumstances. So hard about the pregnant students. I can’t imagine having to worry about this virus while having a baby. Wow. Hang in there Collette, I am in your corner!
Thank you for your support, Janet. Life is always teaching us things, right? Even when it doesn’t feel like it, I think I’m growing. And I feel better today. It helps tremendously knowing I have you in my corner! 🙂 Xx
Being without your husband at a time like this is massive – you’re doing well to keep going. I’d let yourself have some duvet time and maybe let yourself weep and feel sorry for yourself – it’s not fair that you have to do this alone and you’re allowed to mind and be upset about it – you don’t have to be strong all the time. Love and hugs and be kind to yourself 💞💞💞
Thank you, DrGS. One of the -ing words I left off the list of my prior activities was “connecting,” and I do miss that through all of this. But writing here, and reading your replies feeds my soul and helps me feel connected in this crazy time. Thanks so much for your support. Xx
Yes these connections are more important than ever right now – love and hugs 💞💞💞
My heart goes out to you Collette. You are ‘existing’ and doing so without your husband at your side after already being so long without him. I agree with DrGS, I think some duvet time might be the self care you need right now. I know I need it every now and then. You are getting through this and you will get to the end of it. Thankfully we are both doing it sober which is a Godsend.
I’m sending you positive thoughts and lots of love 💕 xx
Thank you dear friend. I feel better this morning. I think it helps so much to write out my thoughts and have you guys read and respond. I am so grateful to be able to connect this way. Thanks so much for your thoughts and support. I think we are strong for each other and get strength from one another. 🙂 xx
I totally agree. Everyday I’m grateful that I stopped drinking. It put me on a path that led to people on here who I now consider to be good friends and who help me carry on when I feel like I don’t want to. So glad you are feeling better – that makes me happy Xx
My darling, from the read, it sounds like you are taking care of everyone except you. Without a sober you, life as you know it falls apart. All of our AA meetings are now online, which is nice. The hardest part of going to a meeting is actually leaving home and driving to the meeting, but now I don’t have to leave home to connect with other sober people.
That’s the key. Connecting with other sober people. From the comments, you have a support group here. Schedule a Zoom conference and support one another virtually. You are not alone! I’m sure everyone feels like life is on hold today, but it is what we make it.
About a week ago, a friend of mine lost her sobriety during this panicked time. She just caved under pressure and drank for one day, but now she lives with the guilt of it. I told her, “In my sobriety, a lot has happened that could call for a drink, but I knew that wouldn’t fix it. I cannot think of one instance in my life that drinking made anything better.”
If you wish to rally up your sober peeps and schedule a Zoom, I’ll be happy to attend.
You need to do something for you. <3
Thanks so much, Barb. You are right…I do need the connection with other sober folks and to take better care of myself. The little one of the house is my constant companion right now (and has even worked her way into a permanent spot in my bed). I need to carve out some alone time, just as I need to create some connection time. A WordPress Sober Zoom meeting…hmmm. Now you’ve got me thinking. I just want to say that I really appreciate your wisdom and support. And, I always look forward to reading your words. Thank you for being you. Xx
My pleasure lovely. Sobriety for me is #1 priority. Without it, there is nothing else.
The little one could sit on your lap during the Zoom. She’d probably enjoy it.
Alone time for you right now may look like a bubble bath once the house is asleep. or getting up before everyone awakes for a 10 minute meditation.
My guess would be, you feel alone without your husband. There’s a difference between alone time and self care. I wouldn’t amplify that feeling of alone darling. Find some connection. I’m here for you. Much love and many hugs to you! <3
Every day that you show up, you are living. You are showing up in extraordinary times and doing your best. Your light is a beacon. <3
Wow, thanks Julie. I feel so much better after connecting with you wonderful, creative, honest souls. You bring me hope! Xx
you are dancing a dance of tremendous skill, talent, and determination. It can be draining.Sometimes it seem to me that just going through the motions isn’t such a bad thing. It’s a strong survival tool. I am almost a doomsday prophet at the moment inside. The only one who knows that though is my roommate because saying it elsewhere makes things more uneasy for some. I tread water, gulping air, then swim a little more…namaste!
I hear you. It is so very hard to feel like we are moving forward when we are so stuck. And I’m so sorry your husband can’t be with you. It’s a truly rough time. We will get through it! Many, many hugs.
That we will. Hugs to you, Leafy. Thank you!! Xx