About two months into my sobriety journey, I came across the following quote from one of my heroes, Brene Brown: “Are you the adult you want your child to become?” Ouch. I immediately winced, the pain, shame and regret from drinking for the entirety of my three children’s lives still haunting my every waking moment.
There is much about myself that I do not want to pass on to my children: my alcohol dependence and the lack of self-esteem that got me there (Or was it the other way around? Sort of a chicken or egg type of thing). I do not want them to play it safe or put everyone else first to the point it is detrimental to their own health and wellbeing. I do not want them to isolate but to connect. I want them to be more outwardly loving and affectionate to their own children someday…okay, this is getting depressing.
But maybe it’s not too late. Maybe I am becoming the adult I want my children to become. Maybe it is the process of becoming that is messy and painful, mistake-ridden and full of regret. Maybe each one of us must become our true selves through a series of falling and rising, of hard lessons learned and insights bought at a great price. And maybe it takes some of us longer to become who we want to be than it takes others.
My children can still learn from my imperfect example. They can learn that this life thing is difficult and learn-as-you-go. That adults don’t have things figured out just because they are older. They can watch me struggle, strive, and grow into myself, but in truth, most of life’s journey is experiential. Things don’t fall into place until you try for yourself, and mess up, and try a different way.
What I hope they see when they watch me is someone who is working diligently to improve herself and her life because she’s finally figured out that she’s worth it. And I hope they see that I’m doing this for myself, but also for them because they too have had to struggle and accept that their parents are far from perfect. As their parent, I hope their journey is easier than mine has been, but if it’s not, I hope I’m showing them how to persevere, love and live an abundant life.