Boundaries over Balance

As always with the new year, I’m spending the first few weeks looking back, looking ahead, and trying to recalibrate. My last post, the first in quite awhile, describes my issues with finding balance. But you know how the minute you put something out into the universe, something pops up to make you question it? Well I listened to a Mel Robbin’s Podcast episode today that totally flipped this idea of mine about striving for balance.

You should give it a listen, but essentially, she shared that she has learned to focus on setting boundaries instead of finding fault with herself over not having balance in her life. Like me, it was always something she thought she needed, constantly tried to achieve but never quite got. Then she pointed out the problem with this kind of striving. This line of thinking assumes that we should give equal weight to every part of our life because otherwise it doesn’t balance. It also puts every area in our life in competition with the others and when one is taking too much time and attention, we start to resent it. If my exercise routine is taking over my whole evening and I’m sacrificing time with family, I will no doubt start to resent it. This really resounded with me and my thought process.

When she advised her listeners to set boundaries instead, I felt some initial prickliness toward the word. Normally think of boundaries as something you put up to keep other people out…polite but effective ways of saying no, resulting in a “win” for you and your life. Don’t get me wrong, these kind of boundaries are necessary and important, but the concept has a way of making everyone feel co-dependent and unhealthy, and it has become a bit of a buzz word. I digress.

In this case though, boundaries are meant to fence in areas of our life so they don’t overtake or even swallow up the others. Creating boundaries is a way to be intentional about our time and regain a sense of control over how we are spending it, rather than the flailing/falling aspect of balance. Mel gave the example of feeling that she was not spending enough time with her family and that work and other areas were too weighty in her life. So she made the boundary that when she is with her family in the evenings, her phone is not near her or on her body. It’s plugged in somewhere, in a different room. This allows her to focus her attention on spending time with her family. And here’s the thing: she admitted that she doesn’t spend any more time with her family since instituting this boundary than she did before, BUT it allows her to be present and spend quality time with them rather than being just a presence in their company.

So now I’m thinking that setting boundaries is a better strategy than trying to achieve this perfect internal-external, home-life-work-balance. And boundaries don’t have to be eliminating things. It could involve shifting time, protecting time, so that something that has been absent gets done. I can set the boundary of getting up and spending 30 minutes of my time doing yoga, or meditating, or journaling instead of drinking coffee on the couch and playing Words with Friends first thing in the morning. I can set the boundary of no phones during or after dinner when we are sharing space so that we actually interact instead of phubbing each other. Boundaries, are lines drawn, and sometimes we need to draw them for ourselves because we need them as much as the screaming toddler demanding dessert before dinner. While we may know what’s best for us, we don’t naturally do it. Boundaries can keep the wilderness out, and protect and nurture what’s inside.

I think instead of trying to do “all the things” and make them all balance out, I’m going to start drawing some lines.