Yesterday, I went out to coffee with two dear friends who I haven’t seen since March. We’ve shared virtual interactions–sanitized relationships–but I hadn’t actually seen them in person for months. We shared stories about our kids and spouses, concerns about our jobs and the economy, dismay over the state of our nation, frustrations over our aging bodies and mourned our cancelled vacations. It was quintessential girlfriend time.
What struck me after I left was the lift I felt in getting to spend in-person time with them. We spoke about the lockdown and the trauma it spawned. I shared about how hard it was for me to go through this scary time in our history and have my husband unable to come home. This, combined with forced isolation and no familiar contact other than my children has me dealing with some residual trauma. And I’m sure I’m not alone.
The missing ingredient throughout this time has been human connection. It demonstrated that virtual communication is a flimsy substitute. We are wired to interact with each other, face to face, without coverings or distance. I’m not getting into the mask debate here, but I am pointing out that connection suffers when you can’t see a warm, friendly smile.
While connection is not essential for survival, it is necessary for us to thrive. It’s like fertilizer for plants; they can survive without it, but they cannot experience the healthy growth they would have with it. I write often about the difference between existing and living. Without the intimacy of human contact and connection, many of us have slipped into existence mode.
A synonym for connection is relationship. My personal teaching philosophy is based on building relationships. I believe that students, especially at-risk students, will not (can not?) learn without first establishing a positive relationship with their teacher. Trust is huge. I do not believe I can effectively connect behind a mask and six feet apart.
I guess I am searching for a line. A point where something gives. What is more important: consoling a student in crisis or keeping six feet apart? Holding a hand or sanitizing it? Covering your face or offering a much-needed smile? In essence, how do you connect through sanitized relationships?
I do not have a solution for how to connect in person if we are supposed to stay apart to stay healthy. I do have concerns about the consequences. It seems like the goal has now shifted to survive rather than thrive, and that scares me. I work with students of color and the last thing I feel like I “should” be doing right now is distancing myself from them and putting on a mask. And I will not consider this in any way to be “the new normal” and settle into settling for survival.
I agree wholeheartedly with this and have experienced the same when I met up with one of my dearest to face last week. Enforced isolation has however altered how I feel about some friendships. There are people I no longer wish to connect with face to face and I have no desire to rekindle contact with them. I don’t dislike them but I have discovered that time is a precious commodity and I no longer wish to waste any more with people who are quite frankly mean, unkind and resentful of others. Time out has given me clarity as to who I have missed and who I haven’t. Sounds harsh but it’s true. ❤️💕
That’s a good point. It’s important to consider who we haven’t missed as well. 💕
Indeed. But I do agree, over video or text is not the same as hanging out and sharing. Laughter is different and the connection is stronger. I think I forgot about how good it feels. Xxx
I’m so glad you were able to spend time with your friends! I really miss the friends I don’t live with, too. It is a tough time for sure. ❤️
Yes this is really unique in its all around yuckiness. And it doesn’t feel like it will ever go away… if/when it does there will be effects felt for years to come. Hope you’re doing well. 💕
I know how. F*** that mask and bring it in for a hug… that’s how I roll. Gotta have the contact every now and again.
I agree with you! Thanks, Jim!
What you say is highlighting how we are all going to have to negotiate this new way of being, making lots of micro decisions about who we meet, how we interact, basically how we are going to live. I kind of agree with Claire in that maybe it’s about thinking what are the key relationships in one’s life and nurturing them. I was also a teacher and that throws up different questions. Personally that’s one area we simply have to get it right. Disadvantaged kids in particular need school, for education, nurturing, sustenance often. Commandeer buildings, bring back retired teachers like me but lets invert the Pink Floyd lyrics , “Hey teachers don’t leave those kids alone”! Jim X
Yes, we do need to get it right, and I do not have confidence that we will at this point. There is a general mix of indecisiveness and appeasement going on that is very unsettling. I have no doubt that you could make a great contribution if you came back!! 💕👍🏻
Thanks Collette and wise words. X
I’ve been thinking a lot about connection recently. I have a trip out of town to see my best friend next week. It’s the longest we’ve gone without a face to face in so many years.
Glad you’re getting some much-needed face time with your friend, Crystal! 💕
Congratulations ! M&M’s are a great treat for your celebration!
Thank you! Yes they are! 💕