This year, I am greeting the holiday season with an “It is what it is,” mindset. I’ve wrestled with the habit of expectations for awhile now. Through my sobriety, I feel like God is teaching me to lay down my expectations and just be present. With COVID-19 and all the baggage it brings, I think this is something He is trying to teach us all.
I noticed my habit of building expectations once I got sober. During my drinking years, alcohol was my accessory of choice because I believed it would enhance any occasion. Anticipation and alcohol went hand-in-hand.
In fact, I will go as as far as to say that alcohol was my guest of honor at any celebration. This includes events I attended where there really was a guest of honor, but I chose to give alcohol the distinction instead.
So there it was. Always with me. This included: birthdays, holidays, anniversaries, showers, weddings, vacations, date nights, day dates, picnics, sporting events and parties. I fussed over it, making sure it never left my glass. If it wasn’t clasped lovingly in my hand, it was always within eyesight. The center of my attention; the reason I could attend and fill space. Everything else was just background music.
This sounds sad, but it’s the truth. The meaningless conversations were pretense to be able to drink and feel its effects. Everything happened through the filter of alcohol…a filter that erased anything meaningful that might have taken place. And what is even more sad, is that for almost three decades, it’s what I thought I needed.
Because that’s what they’ll tell you is needed. To have fun, to host a successful celebration. To be desirable and happy. Society, the media, social media, our peers and advertising all say that alcohol is key to building, meeting and exceeding expectations.
But what are expectations, anyway? Expectations are what we want to happen. What we think we need and somehow deserve. A filmstrip playing in our heads of ideal circumstances all falling into place to create some euphoric bliss.
I catch myself visualizing perfection and then I hear the record scratch, my kids fighting, a phone call from the health department, the news of local businesses and restaurants closing, sirens blaring, the daunting statistics, the fact that toilet paper is once again endangered, that ordered items are delayed, that we should not be together, even for the holidays.
I hear, life.
And I now know that the sooner I put my expectations in check, the wider the door opens to let in the light of truth, presence and what is. I want to open the door to what is, because it’s the only thing we’ve got.
If I attend a celebration these days, I attend it for the real guest of honor. I make it a point to sit with that person, look into their eyes, and have some sort of meaningful exchange that I will remember in the years to come. Because each event, each occasion, each day only happens one time. It is up to us to take it all in, all that it is, even if what it is isn’t the perfection we can only create in our minds.
My presence and active participation in each “it is” is what makes the occasion special, both for me and for the real guest of honor. Being present in this life is so much more meaningful than filling space with a glass of wine in my hand.
And as we are all learning, expectations of how it should be only exist to let us down. Put the expectations to bed, and learn to embrace what is. It is only when we put them down that we have room to hold the little treasured moments that reveal themselves when we have empty hands, clear-heads and open hearts.
Can so relate to alcohol being the driver for so long. Today it’s as you say seeing the light in the everyday NOW. Love that looking in the person’s eyes completely seeing them, beautiful😊
I couldn’t agree more Dwight and Collette painted the picture it so beautifully. I believe deep down this is what we all seek in our life – to be truly seen❣️🤗
Thanks Dwight. I think when we really look, we find light and love and hope. We need not expect any more than that! Xx
So right on in every way. ❤
Thank you, Janet! Xx
Alcohol was definitely the guest of honour in my life for a long time. I’m relieved that is no longer the case. Expectation is something I have been considering a lot recently. I struggle so much with the disappointment of my expectations not being realised. It’s an extreme reaction and I know often unreasonable but it is something that I am finding difficult to change and gain control over. I sense I remain in certain situations because I don’t then have to have any new expectations that might lead to disappointment. I can’t seem to cope with disappointment in a reasonable way. Thanks for this post. I have some work to do on this area I think. Sending hugs 🤗 xxx
And that’s the problem with expectations is that they ultimately lead to disappointment. People seem to equate not bringing expectations to the table with lowering our expectations or settling, and I think the two are completely different things. If we work on being open and present to whatever life brings us, be it good or bad and not building up expectations, then we will be at peace with what is. If we still carry expectations and just try to lower them, or lower our standards, that’s defeating the purpose… the goal is not to expect things from life, but to try to be present and enjoy life for what it is, to stay curious about what it brings, and practice acceptance, realizing we will be well either way. It is a big shift in our normal thinking, to be sure. Hugs to you!! Xx
That’s so helpful Collette. I definitely need to do some work on my thinking and try to focus on the present more. You are right, it’s not about lowering standards but about accepting what is as it is. This is my new goal. Xxx
Collette I just love this post.
It’s becoming so typical, so normal for alcohol to be the guest of honor that we’ve downgraded the importance of human connection. ❤️❤️🥰
Deviating from what society is promoting as a magical celebration is like discovering a deeper level within us❣️ Soulwork❤️
Yes, soulwork! And a major shift in the normal everyday American mindset. I feel like the more I awaken and venture from the norm, the better my life becomes. Thanks, Teri! Xx
You’re most welcome Collette. I EI enjoy your posts! You’re a wonderful writer and your observations and heartfelt sharing of your journey is a gift for all❣️🤗
Thank you so much, friend! Xx
I can so relate to this Collette! Xx
Thank you, DGS. Miss you! Xx
Great read and so relatable! Just what I needed to read this morning to keep moving forward! ❤️
Thank you, dear! Xx
perfectly stated….indeed this past weekend (and given all that has occurred this year) i felt driven to go back and re read some of my earlier journaling when i began my path to recovery. It was interesting to see all of the expectations i had at various points and then realizing i had to give them up at times. Kind of like spraying whip cream on hot cocoa, anticipating how awesome it was gonna taste, but then getting distracted and coming back to a melted not-so-tempting cup of what used to be . I still go through this and often wonder “how long will this go on?”. I believe bottom line, it will just remain a part of the journey as long as i/we live— expectations give us the motivation to hop from one stone to the next, but they wont keep us from drowning if we slip. Thanks so much- lovely introspective post.
Thank you, Lovie. It’s definitely a habit, to build up expectations about an upcoming event or experience. But I find when I do that, I am inevitably disappointed. Eastern philosophy says that expectations are linked to suffering…and I believe that. The goal is to be open to what life brings you, whether it’s good, bad or in between. Then, we choose our perspective on what comes our way. Stay well, friend! Xx
It definitely became an unwanted guest for far too long. You are so right. xxx