Holding Pattern: 1) The flight path maintained by an aircraft awaiting permission to land. 2) A state of waiting or suspended activity or progress.
The world is engaging in different stages of emerging into life again. Some places have their feet still firmly planted in the sand. Others dipping a cautious toe into the water. Still others wading determinedly into the waves. I sit and watch and look around, assessing the damage; still so much of it unknown.
The state that I live in is in Stage 2 of a four-stage plan back to full operation, and tempers are flaring. Needs are diverse and neither blanket solutions nor restrictions are effective.
The house that I live in is in its own inoperable state, with its leader still stuck overseas, and no estimated time of arrival. With the water mitigation complete from the Great Toilet Flood of 2020, and reconstruction not scheduled to occur for another month.
“Things have been a little delayed, with COVID-19 and all,” explained the project manager over the phone. “Yes,” I agreed. Don’t I know it.
We are in a holding pattern. Awaiting permission to land. To come home. A state of suspended activity or progress.
I thought about what life would be like right now if my husband were here and things were business as usual. We would all be busy finishing out another school year, preparing for graduations and celebrations. I would be looking ahead to summer and relishing the thought of being home (instead of feeling stuck somewhere between broken and incomplete as I am now). As a family, we would be preparing to go to Disney World for a week of fun, connection and memory-making.
I was struck by how much of our life before consisted of getting ready for things to come. Now, it’s largely a future we can’t plan for.
One thing that is and will be the same is my sobriety. I have felt wobbly over the past few months; definitely like I’m being tested.
I may have been on firmer ground had this all not happened, and I sense that is the case for all of us. So many of the feelings and experiences that have occurred are also reasons or excuses I used to drink. But if I’ve learned nothing else about life it’s that we will be tested by uncertainty, trying times, scarcity, and sometimes all three.
I’m continually reminded that so much is out of my control. I have to step up and do things I don’t normally do, sometimes scary and overwhelming things. And I’m hit with waves of loneliness and grief; starved for true connection (not the virtual kind). And, in the words of Maya Angelou, still I rise…
My oldest son wrote me an amazing letter for Mother’s Day. In it, he acknowledged the struggle of this time. “It would be easy for you to fall back into your old habits, but you’ve held strong. And I’m so proud to be able to call you my mother.”
If I was searching for reasons to stay on my sobriety journey, this one jumped off the page and gave me a gentle, but necessary, shoulder shake.
As a parent, you must take care of yourself first, so that you can take care of them. As a parent, you have your legacy to consider…the memory of who you were in this life. Anne Lamott writes, “The most profound thing we have to offer our own children is our own healing.”
I may be in a holding pattern, but how I handle this time of waiting and no forward progress is being observed and learned.
This is how we wait. This is how we take care of ourselves. With patience and mindfulness and intention. By showing up each day, even when there’s nowhere to go. By creating a loving and welcoming environment, even when there’s no one to come home to it yet. We do the hard things. We don’t give up and we know that some day soon, we will be given permission to land and not have to hold our breath any longer.
And I want to be healthy, awake and aware when that time comes. This is how we heal.
You are doing such an amazing job, Collette, and your children are definitely noticing and will use you as a role model. When this is all over..huge time to breathe and realize the depth of what you accomplished: single parent during Covid (✅), staying sober during Covid (✅), not giving up (✅). With that base my friend I can hear you scream, “I did that – YES”! Keep rocking my friend from your biggest fan,
Dwight😎🎸🎯
Wow. Thank you for your encouragement and support. You are a wonderful friend and it means a lot to me to hear your praise and validation. Sending love and strength your way. Xx
Omg… what Dwight said!!! (Perfect as always. Doesn’t get much better than that. 🎉🙌) 🤗💕
Thank you so much, dear Nadine. Xx
Collette, I think you are doing brilliantly and reading your post made me cry and smile at the same time. I really get that ‘holding pattern’ experience and it’s so hard not to just hide away and let it overwhelm. I have had thoughts of drinking too. Maybe I would’ve had that anyway. I won’t but it doesn’t mean I’m not tempted. Your son’s words are lovely and you can cherish those words. Things WILL change, we WILL land safely and I know you’ll be in exactly the right place to appreciate it in all it’s glory. Sending love to you my strong and lovely friend xxx
Thank you, friend. I’m glad you can relate, to both the struggle and the good. Hanging in there is easier with you and the “flight crew” here to support me. 🙂 Xx
The very important flight crew. Thank goodness for them. ❤️
This is beautiful. I love the letter from your son. Priceless! Yes my darling, you can do hard things. <3
Thank you, friend. Our children make it all worthwhile, yes? Especially as they get older and the dynamic changes. Life is sweet. Xx
Collette, this is so beautiful. Love the quote by Anne Lamott – sage advice
Yes, we’re all struggling with the unknowns, and disappointments, and personal struggles that really fuel the demons we have trouble battling on good days but not everyone is as brave as you are to claim them and commit to conquering. Your resolve to not fall back on old habits is a demonstration of love. Love for your life and love for your family. I love your son’s praise 🙂
I too consider my legacy because our legacy is that part of us which remains once we’ve passed and how we live each day creates our legacy.
Thanks for sharing. It’s at once impressive, admirable and inspiring <3
Teri, you are are right. Sometimes when we don’t have the motivation to do the right things for ourselves, the reason becomes love for our family, which is priceless and important in its own right. Thank you for reading! 🙂
Yes. All I can do is try my best 🙂
I love the Anne Lamott quote too. That sure hits home. Healing is a lifelong process it seems. Never ending. Collette you are doing so well and talking about things that reveal what I would call sobriety maturity. Not drinking is the first step but it leads to so much more. Your posts make my eyes fog up, holding back a tear. I see where your son got his way with words! Much love to you. 😘❤
Thank you, Janet. That is high praise coming from you! I’m glad you were touched by my thoughts…I worry sometimes about being too much of a downer lately! Xx
No downer at all. You always look at all sides and find the good. ❤
i love the way you express this…YES! I read 2 posts on here tonight expressing that..being in different stages indeed. I was trying to sort out my own thoughts with my last post, but couldn’t quite put my finger on it…that says it perfectly…the holding pattern….big hugs!
Everyone else has already said everything I was thinking! You are doing so great, Collette. I hope you are very proud of yourself. And so lovely what your son wrote! You are so strong, and I think you are amazing. ❤️
Thank you, Leafy. I’m doing my best and allowing my best to be good enough. Can’t stop looking forward to and longing for happier times though. Hope you are well! Xx
Every time you write, you remind me to be grateful.
Hugs, honey! You have a world of people holding hope and light for you!
xo
Wendy
Thank you so much, Wendy. I have to remind myself to be grateful as well!
Your sons words brought a tear to my eye – if ever you need a reminder of just how amazing you are then remember them! It’s so tough to not be with your husband during this time but you are holding your path well and your children’s – take care and keep being amazing! 💞💞💞
Thank you. I’ve found myself reading over his note several times just this last week. He is a writer of words, not a speaker, like me. I hope you are well and that you’re giving yourself grace, during this time. Xx
Powerful post, you beautifully captured the sentiment of the times. Your son is amazing, but I didn’t have to tell you that. <3
Thank you for your kind words, Julie! Xx
It’s so easily forgotten that you have to look after yourself first. It took me too long to work that one out as a single parent.