Sometimes, I have to take a step outside my brain and examine my line of thinking. My brain likes to think in ideals. Expectations of fairness and even favor on my part. When things go exceptionally poorly, I catch my inner voice crying out, waving its fist (yes, my inner voice has a fist!) in the air at the injustice of it all. Keeping tally marks on the wall of my cavernous brain.
This should not be happening.
I’ve run into a series of unfortunate events that my inner voice doesn’t feel I should have to deal with, since I’m already dealing with quarantine life and my husband being stuck overseas. This is also the same voice that lured me into drinking on a daily basis, arguing that I deserved it. And the voice that created my dream the other night. The one where I was at a restaurant and the waiter brought out a tumbler filled with a stiff bourbon drink and I proceeded to gulp it down.
Toxic thoughts are alive and well, these days…trying to do me in.
Back to what should not be happening, in my mind. My oldest son lost one of his friends last week. This boy was hanging out with others at a particularly treacherous part of a local river because that’s what teenage boys do. There was a days-long search, an identification, an impromptu gathering of friends to pray and grieve. Watching from the sidelines, I wish I could do more. For my hurting son. For two parents who must be living an unending nightmare.
Then, a few days ago my daughter casually announced she clogged the toilet in my upstairs master bath. Joys of parenting. I went to investigate and was met by water flowing out of the bathroom and on to my bedroom carpet. Heading downstairs to fetch the plunger, I then saw water pouring out of a light fixture in my living room ceiling, onto the couch and floor.
“Holy hell,” I thought. The sky is literally falling.
I am now navigating the process of homeowner’s insurance adjusters, mitigaters, restorers, hygienists, and contractors. Navigating walking through my house with furniture piles, dehumidifiers running full blast, and plastic drapes hanging from every doorway. As I write, I am sitting on the floor in my daughter’s bedroom while my bathroom and living room ceiling are being torn apart. It sounds like a war zone. My teacher Zoom meetings might be a challenge today…
And the topper was last evening, while battling a fierce headache and taking out a load of trash to the bins in the side yard. I was in my socks and happened to look down as I hoisted the bag into the bin. I met the cold black eyes of a rattle snake coiled about four inches from my foot. I froze and we had a stare down, then I slowly turned and walked away. I cried for what had to be the tenth time this week, and told the kids I was going to fetch a neighbor to help me with our snake situation.
It’s been a week. It’s been a month. It’s been a year. So, I had to tell my indignant inner voice to quiet down. I reminded myself for the millionth time that life is not fair. Why do I still nurture that expectation when life has shown me, time and again, that trouble is not something that disappears once I feel I’ve had my fill?
All I can do, as I’ve said before, is wait, and trust, and know that I’m growing through this, as much as I’m going through it. I can put my expectations on a back shelf in my mind, with the rest of my little girl dreams that have been stashed there for some time now, and get to the business of getting through this life. Because it’s not getting any easier, and this is no place for ideals or expectations of favor.
As for now, it’s time for lunch. Excuse me while I find my way to the kitchen to heat up a leftover enchilada and eat on my daughter’s bedroom floor with her dollies and stuffies. At least I’m in good company.
May God bless and be with you all!
Oh Collette, what a nightmare! I’m so sorry you have had such an ordeal on top of everything else. You will come through it and you’ll survive it better because you aren’t drinking. I’m hoping and praying that’s it for you now, all the luck is heading your way. Sending hugs and love 💕
Thank you for the hopes, prayers and luck! I’m lucky to have you for a friend. Things will turn around soon…they can’t keep going sideways! Hugs to you.
They will. Things will shift and you’ll start to have a run of good things happening. I’m sure if it xx
Awful, just awful. I’m so sorry this is your experience. I’m so sorry for your son and his friend’s family. I’m so sorry for your house. Holding you in a vision of grace. <3
Thank you Julie. Just slogging through this heavy time. I don’t like being a complainer, or a negative person. Hopefully things will get brighter soon.
Hi Collette! That’s a horrible week indeed. I want to say look at the bright side, but I know how silly that sounds right now. First of all, I’m so sorry for your son and his friend’s family. What a loss. We know that this is a parent’s worst nightmare, and your son is grieving now, on top of everything else young people are experiencing these days. I hope the plumbing issue gets fixed asap. The only thing I can offer here is that my son’s house had a serious leak and some flooding, and they ended up getting their kitchen and bath completely remodeled, with beautiful fixtures, along with some other things – all paid for by insurance. Not that we look forward to these things, but it turned out good for them in the end… after a month or two of living in a motel. BUT, being sober during these hard times is what makes it all OK. It allows us to think clearly, feel our emotions, deal with the stress properly, and be there completely for those that need us, like your son and your students. Wow though. Murphy’s law came to visit I’d say. Hang in there woman!! xoxo
Thank you, Janet. Hanging in there. Looking forward to happier days (I know they’re out there). Have a great Mother’s Day weekend. Xx
In my mind and heart, a child’s death is the ultimate unfairness the ultimate wrongness. There are no rules around death, but in my mind I’ve made this one. Sending so much love out to this young mans family and your son. I expect like me this death also shook up every fear within you and broke your heart. The longer I live the less I understand about this crazy life we experience. This might sound off the wall, but for me a trip alone to this young mans grave might be in order? To just be, to acknowledge all and feel, to release, and to send much love❤️.
Thank you for your kind thoughts and words, Dwight. This is one of those difficult times when you have no words to make it better, and that’s so hard as a parent. It hurts to see your kids soaking in the reality of life and the fact that it can be cruel and unfair. My son and his friends have had a few opportunities to write and speak to their friend’s parents, at the parents’ request, and I think that has been hard, but healing for everyone involved. It’s just extra difficult having to navigate grief during this time when we’re supposed to be “distancing.” Hoping better times visit soon. Take care. Xx
I’m so sorry Collette! Your poor son and his friend’s family. So incredibly sad. And then the flooding. Life does seem so unfair sometimes. I would be shaking my inner voice fist, too. Sending hugs.
Oh honey! Giant hugs and love. It must be so hard to do this all alone, and yet you do.
I’m glad you can release the tears, and then carry on.
Much love,
Wendy
What a rough stretch of life you’ve been dealt the past two weeks! I have a theory of convergence because it seems sometimes the bad travels in a beastly pack, at least for me. Like the old saying goes, “When it rains, it pours”. 🙁
What I could see is that you did the best you could, moment to moment, and I think you not only trusted you’d survive, you were fabulous doing so! 🙂
I hope your days have brightened. If not, hold on, they will. I’ve found nothing seems to stay the same for long if we just go with the flow. Until that time, I just keep treading water <3.
Thanks, Teri. Still treading water and doing my best, which is all I can do like you said. I trust that better days are coming though. 💕
🙂 <3
That just puts my week into perspective. That was horrible for you and your family. Sending you hugs and really hope things start going your way soon.
Thank you…I think I may need to lower my expectations. Haven’t lost hope yet though.
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