Joy in the Dark

“Things are getting heavy…and yet, I think I see the light.”

Me

It’s raining on this Friday the 13th. This morning I went to the lab to have bloodwork done for my knee surgery next week. Outside, the clouds, heavy with condensation, mimicked the heaviness of my heart. Businesses are closing again in our area. People are being told not to travel for Thanksgiving. The doctor said COVID-19 cases are higher than they’ve ever been and predicted to climb.

The few of my students who were coming to school are now not coming. They got into an argument on social media about the election, and politics. I try hard not to get discouraged. With division, with circumstances, with life.

As I write this, my zebra finch, who has sung faithfully every morning for 12 years (and lived twice as long as the life expectancy of a caged bird) is dying in his nest, making little twitching movements. No sweet little song today.

It’s all so heavy.

I woke up early, unable to sleep. I prayed and affirmed my trust in God. I may not understand what he is doing, but I know he is working all things for the good. I read my latest, greatest book, The Book of Joy by His Holiness the Dalai Lama, Archbishop Desmond Tutu with Doug Abrams. I picked it up last week while my daughter was at her best friend’s for a small birthday party. I had the rare chance to browse in my favorite used book store, pumpkin-spiced latte in hand. I can truly say that I am gaining much-needed insight, comfort and encouragement in these pages.

The first big thought that hit me was on suffering. In Buddhist teachings, self-centeredness leads to suffering. I am on a first name basis with self-centeredness, thanks to my drinking days (decades). And it struck me how full of suffering my days were, and how full of self as well.

Being stuck on that hamster wheel of obsessive thought about me, me, me. When am I going to be able to satisfy my want…my need…for wine and numbing out? Then, several glasses in, the dam breaks and the self-centered thoughts flow unhindered. Resentment of having to do anything that gets between me and my buzz. Monitoring the supply, lest I run out. Then darker thoughts start to flow. Self-consciousness. Am I acting drunk? Paranoia. Do people notice? Are they judging me? Greed. There will never be enough to satisfy my need.

And the early morning self-flagellation, which is really self absorption at its ugliest. Clearly the addict is full of suffering because the addict cannot escape herself.

More heaviness, I know. But what this realization really did, is bring me relief that I am not longer stuck in that self-centered world, and gratitude for where I now live, EVEN IF, these days are hard.

Another concept I love from this book is the path they describe to lasting joy. We will not find happiness or joy if we look for it.

“If you are setting out to be joyful you are not going to end up being joyful. You’re going to find yourself turned in on yourself. It’s like a flower. You open, you blossom, really because of other people. And I think some suffering, maybe even intense suffering, is a necessary ingredient for life, certainly for developing compassion.”

Desmond Tutu

So it is not through material things that we achieve joy. It is by reaching out to others, in compassion and empathy, and seeking connection with your fellow humans. Both spiritual leaders speak frequently about how we are all the same; all one people. Even different religions, or no religion, we are all one people. We all experience suffering and hard times and connecting with others through these experiences is what brings that sense of fulfillment, or joy.

You know how it makes you feel when you really connect with and help someone else? That, my friend, is joy.

Connecting with people. Feeling compassion and empathy and the desire to help was the last thing on my agenda when alcohol consumed me. I am so grateful that I moved beyond that place because I feel so much more well positioned to deal with the challenges and realities of the present.

So I am challenging myself to reach out in this time of isolation. As we are being told to retreat, I am stepping out in an attempt to connect and lighten the loads of others. That is where I believe the light is.

I wrote about how hard it is for me to be outgoing and social. But I believe there is a difference in being social and connecting with others on a meaningful level. So I’ve given myself the assignment to reach out to one person a week. I’m starting small and making it intentional. Normally, I can go about my week and not make time to have a meaningful conversation with anyone outside my immediate family. And the more I learn about recovery and living a fulfilling life, the more I’m convinced that the key is other people.

So today, I picked up the phone and called my cousin’s daughter (who is more like a niece to me). Last year she was diagnosed with Stage-4 breast cancer at age 26. Yes, 26. She doesn’t live nearby so it’s been easy to think about her, and pray for her, and send encouraging comments through social media, but I’ve had this inner resistance to actually talking to her. As if talking to her will make it real for me. Well, it’s real for her, I thought, and I need to climb in with her and support her on her journey.

We had a great talk. It goes without saying she’s one brave badass, dealing with cancer in COVID times as a single aesthetician who could have gone on disability but chose to work…when they opened again…so she could have human interaction. Connection. We talked about the mystery of life and the way that good things come from terrible situations. Beauty from ashes. Things like clarity and healed relationships and a deep understanding of self. Taking time to really talk…and really listen.

And you know what I felt when I hung up the phone? Joy.

It made me think about the quote by Ram Dass, “we’re all just walking each other home. ” And I know now with certainty, that I don’t want to have to walk home alone.

There is much more to this discussion on joy, including the 8 pillars of joy, which include four qualities of the mind: perspective, humility, humor and acceptance and four qualities of the heart: forgiveness, gratitude, compassion and generosity. But I will save this for another post. I do feel this is a topic worth diving into during this dark time. In the difficulty, in the muck and the mire, I will boldly pursue joy.