Judgement (noun): the ability to make considered decisions or come to sensible conclusions.
Judge (verb): to form an opinion or conclusion about
These days are full of negative thoughts, occurrences, words, interactions and feelings. Of course, that is my judgement on the current state of affairs, after carefully considering and sensibly concluding.
Lately, I’ve been thinking about judgment and judging. The dictionary definitions seem to indicate that our judgement (in the noun form) is a thing composed of consideration and sense. Something we obtain from a collective body of knowledge that in itself is neither good nor bad. Let’s be sensible, people.
But the action of judging becomes more vague and the opinions or conclusions we draw can be of our own making, or adopted from others, or even pulled out of thin air.
Judgment, has a positive connotation (Use your own good judgment.), while judging has a negative connotation and the result is often hurtful or harmful to others.
In my judgment, there is more judging going on than ever…and it is hurting, not helping our society.
Judging other people, places, events and situations is a natural human pastime. People instinctively form opinions and/or conclusions in order to make sense of the world. We like things to fit neatly into compartments. If they don’t fit, are messy or in a grey area, we feel uncomfortable or confused.
This need to make sense of things is compounded by the phenomenon of confirmation bias. Confirmation bias is the tendency to search for, interpret, favor, and recall information in a way that confirms or supports one’s prior beliefs or values. In short, we all tend to see things in a way that confirms our opinions and conclusions.
What happens when there is no clear-cut answer? No solutions to our problems? No clearly “right” way to do things? No cure for our ailments? No knowing how to move forward.
That’s when judging turns into judgmental.
Judgmental (adjective): having or displaying an excessively critical point of view
In my opinion (wink, wink), the recovery community has become judgmental. People who think that the movement, method or treatment option they choose to heal is the only way to recover. People telling people how to recover. People telling people they aren’t going to recover unless they do it their way. People being unwelcoming by saying others aren’t welcoming enough.
When the way forward is unclear and uncertain, people become judgmental.
In America, the climate is ripe for judging, creating a bountiful harvest of judgmental people all calling each other wrong. The media stirs the pot by offering up the agendas of their political bedfellows. Sensationalism is broadcast over the screens of viewers seeking to ease their confirmation bias and point the finger at the other side. Elections are coming and either outcome is predicted to be worse, or worsen. We aren’t playing anymore.
When the way forward is unclear and uncertain, people become judgmental.
With COVID-19 continuing to paralyze our country and economy, frustrations are building and boiling over. People shout at other people in the grocery story for passing by too closely (yes this happened to me and yes I was wearing a mask). Strangers think it’s acceptable to judge others and let them know about it loudly. The “we’re in this together” now seems like a punishment rather than a rally cry.
But you see, we really aren’t in this together. The parent with five children to feed who is told they can’t go to work because their kids must access their education remotely while having no access to the food, support and services they received in their neighborhood schools stands far apart from the parent who can easily afford a nanny and a private in-home teacher. The manicurist who works under the table at a nail salon that has been shut down for months due to the pandemic has nothing in common with the white-collar exec who can easily participate in Teams meetings from the comfort of his or her comfy home.
Class separates us. Ideas separate us. Paranoia separates us. The act of judging separates us.
So how are we to move forward together in a world where we are separate, where one-size-does-not-fit all, where we do not fit into neatly compartmentalized boxes, where there are no clear answers and no single solutions?
We will only move forward when we stop believing our way is the “right” way, and open our eyes to seeing other viewpoints and our ears to understanding the other side. And the middle as well, as that’s where you’ll find me.
Who’s with me, in the middle? It seems like a lonely place these days. I close my eyes to the left and the right, while extending my hands to those I can reach. Like throwing starfish back into the ocean. It made a difference to that one…
And to those too far out of reach, hugging the polarities and clinging to their confirmation biases… I can only say, “Judge me when you are perfect.”
Great post Collette – being curious instead of judgemental is the way forward I think – trying to understand others – it’s hard when things are so polarised x hope you and yours are well! Xx💞💞
Thank you. Yes, being curious and open to understanding others instead of clinging to what you’re comfortable with. Hoping everything is well with you. Xx
It appears impossible to have a conversation at the moment without hearing someone’s judgement. A serious lack of understanding and compassion is making this a very unpleasant world to live in. Thank goodness there are some us in the middle at least trying to see the view from others’ eyes. Keep reaching out Collette. Great post 💕💕
Yes, there’s just so much extremism flying around. Makes me want to put my head in the sand. At some point, judgment replaced kindness and it really depresses me. Xx
Indeed. There was a lot of kindness when all this started. Now there is criticism. Xx
Yes, I’m here in the middle with you.
The judging is terrible right now. Along with either/or thinking.
All I can do is focus on not being judgmental myself, or catching myself when I am!
xo
Wendy
Very true. We all need to accountable for our own judgments, beliefs and biases. Xx
It’s hard for me to say that I’m in the middle exactly, but I agree with the doctor that curiosity is the way forward. Yes, I agree with you about understanding. Judgment gets us nowhere. If we can somehow get to a place where we can understand each other more, what is really motivating us, maybe we can finally move forward. ❤️
Yes, the hard part is that people don’t seem very interested in understanding each other. Finger pointing is easier than being vulnerable and open to accepting they may not have the right answers.Xx
this is such a complicated time… sigh… xxx
Yes it is, friend. Xx
At the risk of sounding contrary I think that sometimes being judgemental is justified. When people take up extreme or damaging positions I think we sometimes have to counter that with strong but reasoned argument and that can sound judgemental. I’ll be unashamedly judgemental about Trump and his abuse of power, the availability of guns in may countries, The Uk’s response to COVID. In trouble times we sometimes need to speak in a strong voice, sometimes that will be judgemental.
Good point, Jim!
Contrary as ever but good point, well made Jim
Jim I’m thankful for you and your sometimes opposing views. I believe in speaking up for what you believe in and doing what you can to bring about positive change. When voices and actions become excessively critical, they just add to the noise of discord and division and nothing gets solved. If a person’s agenda is to communicate his or her beliefs and desire for change in a positive way I’m all for it. If it’s to lob verbal abuse into the other person’s court so that they can feel justified or superior, I say we can do without it. Opinions are what make us unique, free thinking individuals. Pushing those opinions on others in a way that says I am right and I’m not open to understanding other solutions or points of view is what leads to a polarized, hateful society. I think there is a difference between having strong beliefs and being judgmental and the difference is the contempt that comes with the delivery in judgmental people. There is no room for love when we choose to condemn. And thank you for being contrary. You prompted me to search my heart for my response. 💕
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I’m so with you on this. Too many just don’t want to listen anymore. Just make false assumptions and then just judge. Thankfully there are good people like you how do care and listen x
I do and I try. Blogs like yours remind me to keep hoping. Thanks, Gary! 💕
Standing with you!
Thank you, dear one! I know you’re here, and I know you care! 💕
Brilliant exposition. I especially loved your discussion of confirmation bias and how it relates to people crossing the line into judgmental. I’m in the middle, too! I’ve been tuning out politics (and news, in general (as much as possible). I just can’t tell what is real out there. Feels like a big show. So, for now, I’m focusing on bettering myself and whatever I can do in my little corner of the universe. 🙂
Yes, the middle is a lonely place these days. I’ve been avoiding news because; it does feel like a big manipulative, pointless show. Better to focus on what we can change (our own shortcomings), and on the small things we can do in our daily lives to help! 💕
Very eloquently put Collette- just seen your comment about my comment . I get what you say about the difference between voicing a strong opinion and being judgemental, what you say is spot on, can you come over here and be our prime minister please. 😀
Haha, thanks Jim. I would never join the ranks of this baffoons! 😉 Seriously, though, I consider your inputs and opinions invaluable to me and my personal growth journey. Take care!
Again not sure why it says I’m anon- it’s me! Jim!