Maintain: to cause or enable (a condition or state of affairs) to continue. To keep (something) at the same level or rate.
To keep (a building, machine, or road) in good condition or in working order by checking or repairing it regularly.
Confession time: my pants are growing tight. The skinny(er) pants I purchased after I lost over 35 pounds and vowed to never need the bigger sizes again. This explains my present state of disillusionment and disappointment (but not surprise) with myself.
My internal change cycle usually operates something like this:
- Ignore the problem for a long, long time until I am so disgusted with my current condition that I have no other choice than to acknowledge that something’s gotta give (and in this case, it’s not my pants, haha).
- Formulate a plan that I can get behind; something motivational and inspiring that I’m excited about.
- Dutifully go about putting in the work and checking for results far too frequently.
- Finally declare success, or something close to it. OR give up and hope to find the motivation again, or make peace with it.
This is the cycle I followed to quit drinking and also lose weight. Both problems took many attempts and me giving up time and again, before I achieved something close to success. And both problems require a significant commitment to daily maintenance.
One of the ways I maintain my sobriety is by practicing what Anne Lamott calls, “radical self-care.” I acknowledge that a big part of my drinking over the last decade was me trying to cope with the busyness of life. Not feeling like I had the time to spend transitioning from my work day as a teacher to my home life as mom and wife, I would pound wine while preparing dinner, hoping to dim the stress but not completely flip the switch to the point of incapacitation. (You can imagine how that went.)
So radical self-care, to me, looks like taking time to workout, walk the dog after dinner, breathe in the essential oils diffusing in my bedroom, taking a bath, reading, getting up early to read my daily devotional and pray. Eating well. Well, lately, eating well has turned into eating good…things that taste good. Joining the family in ice cream for dessert. Ordering pizza instead of cooking, yet again (Don’t you hate how dinner comes around every single day?).
Ice cream and pizza are two things that I can just look at and gain weight (and of course I happen to love them both). I know this about myself. And yet, they always creep back into my life, even after I’ve vowed to leave them behind forever.
So is it surprising to me that my pants have grown tight? No. Frustrating? A bit. I caught myself complaining to my husband the other afternoon, as we had stopped off for ice cream after visiting our favorite lake. I looked around at the overindulgent piles of ice cream other people were consuming and at my one measly little scoop.
“It’s not fair! I never overindulge like some people do, and yet I still gain weight. I have to be actively trying to lose weight in order not to gain. And I don’t eat bags of chips or flats of cookies. And still!” At this point I was shaking my ice-cream spoon in the air for emphasis. He knows when to keep quiet. He also knows the right way to phrase a question, after stepping on many weight-related landmines.
“My pants are getting tight,” I muttered.
“And why is that?” he asked expertly, as if a perfectly plausible explanation could be that I was drying them on hot and they were shrinking.
It’s the dailiness that gets me. I can wallow in misery very well, and just as easily be inspired to change. I am proud of the changes I have made on my wellness journey, the realizations, epiphanies, and the hard work of healing. But it’s the day-to-day work of maintaining that gets heavy; sometimes heavy enough to drop or abandon for a time.
I’ve definitely made sobriety my priority, because if I don’t have that, I have nothing. It is the cornerstone on which all my other good habits, practices and intentions are built.
However, this weight thing can be a drag. I’m done with diets, as it is a proven fact that you gain the weight back plus more. And diets aren’t kind. They aren’t in line with practicing radical self-care. But eating ice cream every evening can’t be either.
I have to find my equilibrium and be able to carry on at the same rate. I have to work daily to make mindful, healthy choices or the comfort calories will take over. I can’t say, “oh screw it” and eat whatever I want because I’m over 40 and my metabolism resembles the tortoise rather than the hare.
However, I need to find a place that is not marked by restriction, but motivated by health. I do this with sobriety. I don’t go around watching others drink and say “I can’t have this,” “I can’t have that.” I am too busy focusing on the benefits that sobriety brings to my life. Every single day.
I’m still working on what that place looks like so I can find it, and hopefully live there. It has to include pizza and ice cream, but only on occasion. It has to be a place of abundance, not scarcity. Balance, not extremes. And the motivation to stay there must be health and not shrinking…
Well, maybe just a bit so my pants fit better.
Isn’t it weird how it seems easier (at least after the fact) to quit drinking than it is to maintain a healthy (and attractive) weight?! I do believe I have this little mechanism inside of me that says if I quit one thing, it’s ok to overdo something else. I’m never fully satisfied unless I’m OVER doing something. Like you, I’ve 100% decided that diets are out, and finding ways to be more active are IN. Now, if I can just get started on that things will be great! haha. Great post Collette, hang in there. As you mentioned, as long as you are sober you have “something,” and it’s a great something at that!
Thanks, Janet. It’s the maintaining that I can’t get a grasp on. If I’m not working hard every day on eating healthy, then I’m slowly gaining. Ugh. I know you know. Yes, once the heat subsides I can talk my long walks again. And I can always work on being more kind to myself as well. Have a great weekend! Xx
Oh, it is so terrible when my pants get tight!!! I can certainly relate to this post. Finding the right balance is so hard. 🤗
Definitely something I have yet to master. Always something to work on, right? Xx
Oh, I can so relate to this cycle! Work hard, focus, focus, focus..success..start coasting..then crash. Rinse and repeat. I’ve read we tend to get caught up with this duality of life and instead should just be. I haven’t gotten to that point, but maybe we’re learning a bit more each time and that’s okay.😊
Being sober, we should be good at the “dailiness” of making healthy choices. But it’s like I can only be so good, haha. I need to learn how to just be. Have a great weekend, Dwight. Xx
I’m so with you on giving up on diets-they just don’t work long term – or for me anyway. like you I’m now just trying to make good choices on a day by day basis and at least my weight has stabilised. Once I throw a bit more exercise into the mix I’ll at least be fit if still a bit fat. I’m also aware that giving up alcohol probably drives us to finding substitutes so after a year of extra sugary, fat things I can finally let these go. here’s to radical self care, and compassion! X
I like that, fit/fat combination. It works for me! Yes, I used to feel bad about consuming so many empty calories with alcohol that I wouldn’t let myself settle into the dessert routine. Now, I catch myself fixating on it. Oh well, always something to work on, right? Have a great weekend! Xx
Yes, the diet and weight stuff. I have had that problem all my life.
And when you get to my “older” age, your mentabolism gets even slower.
Plus, it all goes to your tummy. GRRRR!
I have come to acceptance, but still working on not eating too much.
LIke Jim, I contirue to focus on exercise, so at least I have some muscles under the fat!
xo
Wendy
I think probably most of us do…especially as we age. Now if I can just find my workouts as appealing as that hot fudge sundae, I’d be ok! Xx
My jeans are tight too. I just refuse to go up a size. 🙂
My type of exercise is walking, and pre-pandemic I walked everywhere. Walking less has made me mindful of the calorie intake, since I can’t just walk it off like before. We order pizza sometimes once a week, usually midweek, and we eat ice cream too. We call it our cheat day food wise, but it’s really a rewarded day off from cooking and cleaning the kitchen.
Tight pants are the worst. They just make you feel fat. Anne Lamott always says to wear forgiving pants, but I’m with you, stubborn about the size. Yes, I need to confine my indulgences to a day a week instead of most days! And not look to food to bring me satisfaction and contentment. The journey continues… Xx
Yep I think my recent dabble with a ‘diet’ had proved it is not the way forward for me or my mental health. Sobriety is the main focus and anything that risks that needs to be banned! Diets risk it but so does weight gain for me so I have to find that equilibrium too. I can’t shift weight very easily at all now but I am regularly doing my yoga and a run here and there so it all helps I think. Here’s to finding the middle of the see saw xxx
Yes, diet focuses on restriction… It turns your focus to what you can’t have, and that never ends well with our stubborn, human hearts! But yes, you can’t just let go and give up or we’d all be fat and unhappy. Obesity carries with it huge health risks too. So, yes, that elusive balance. Why is it so hard to find, and keep? Hope you have a great weekend. Xx
Balance in everything is so important but so tricky to achieve. Yoga for me today proved just that! Xxx
Me too. That darn crow pose! Feels impossible!💕
I’m no where near that kind of thing. I struggle to hold warrior 3 😂
that was so well written and on pointe i thought i wrote it in my sleep…lol..i have been going thru the exact same thing and it was not lost on me as to how similar the pattern it is with the drinking thing…so glad i took time to catch up on here..i have been missing some really great stuff!!
Yes, I’m realizing that most of us think about and experience the challenge of maintaining a healthy weight. And yes, when I made the connection that dieting focuses on what we can’t have I really realized it’s not sustainable or healthy for my mindset. I wouldn’t last two days in sobriety if I went around focusing on what I couldn’t have instead of the benefits it brings me. Hope you are doing well, and have a great weekend! Xx
So agree. To me things like diets bring a mind set which is often negative. Opens up previous battles that I had thought had ended. Now trying to think of stuff in terms of improving my life. More enjoyable ways of having a better life. If that means my jeans get a bit cramped then so be it. And they are….. xx
I can totally relate to the wine/dinner prep ritual. I had that one, too. It sounds like you’ve been using some really great alternatives! I noticed myself eating more chocolate and stuff too, when I quit drinking. I think that’s normal, especially when your body is adjusting. Apparently wine is full of sugar and your body is used to it so tries to find it in other foods like sweets! You’re doing great, I’m sure you will still be able to reward yourself AND find a balance that works for you. Hugs!