Faith is a place of mystery, where we find the courage to believe what we cannot see, and the strength to let go of our fear of uncertainty.
Brene Brown
This year, I have spent a lot of time in a place of mystery, and now I find myself living there yet again. Embracing the concept of faith means trusting that there is a force larger than ourselves holding the universe together. A force always working for our good…even when we cannot see or understand it.
Having faith also means that it will get tested, repeatedly and by degrees. When times are easy, what is required of us is little. Look up. See the beauty. Trust the good that is all around. When times are hard, the ask is great. We feel pinned against the wall in the place of mystery, where nothing makes sense. Doubt is hovering above us, waiting to swallow us if we give up or give in.
In the space of a week I have felt the urge to give up, rant and yell at anyone who will listen, crawl into bed and cry, fall to my knees in fear (usually in the wee hours of the morning when I can’t sleep), and eat my way through the library of Ben and Jerry’s flavors. What caused this roller coaster ride from hell, you ask?
In the space of a week, I have embarked on the journey of being a teacher and a parent of distance learners. Let’s just say it’s not going smoothly as the parent or the teacher. A few days into this voyage, my oldest son tested positive for COVID-19, which opened a Pandora’s Box of anxiety, fear and unforeseen logistics to work out. He is quarantined at his father’s house, while the rest of us are riding it out in my home…waiting. Then my father-in-law experienced a major mental health crisis that has left the family to have to figure out how to move forward. In addition, outside temperatures refuse to dip down into double digits, forcing us all to try to keep our distance inside without the option of backyard time. Oh, and the power keeps going out.
I have abandoned this post several times over the past few days because the voice in my head keeps ridiculing me, saying my problems aren’t all that significant and many people are dealing with much worse. But my circumstances and frustrations are enough right now to keep me from functioning properly, and I thought maybe others could relate to living in this place as well.
The place where all you can do is react and not be proactive. Where uncertainty taunts you and constantly tries to call the shots. Where you can see what you are “supposed” to be doing and thinking but just can’t muster the will, or the motivation to do or think it. The place where you want to yell, “Oh come on! ENOUGH already,” or something a little less polite.
Places of mystery are built out of all the unknowns and ambiguities. There is much that I don’t understand, and as a teacher, a student of life, and a human…I don’t like it. Some would argue that there isn’t even a point to asking why. That our “job” in life is just to exist; to get through.
That would have been my thought process a year and a half ago, when I was drinking. Why ask why? Just try to drink it away and get through. I am so grateful that I no longer drink because this year has presented me (us) with so many reasons to numb away the worry, sadness, or anxiety. My addictive brain would have exploded with excuses and opportunities.
Instead, moving through life clearheaded, I find myself in these places. They are places I would not have found, had I still been making my way through life anesthetized. Places of mystery and places of contentment, although the mysterious place is certainly my more permanent home.
Maybe that is because it forces me to confront how little I know. That my list of uncertainties and unknowns is far greater than my list of certainties and knowns. This makes me squirm with discomfort. It humbles me. It makes me feel like a very small speck of dust floating through the organized chaos we call life.
Living by faith holds a mirror up to all that is unknown, rather than reflecting concrete reality. It forces me to see how few answers are within my immediate grasp.
Will we have to spend all semester in distance learning? Will this virus ever retreat? Will my son make a full recovery? Will the rest of the family get it? Will our Wifi bandwidth support four people streaming video conferences all school day? Will my students get the technical support they need to complete their assignments online? Will I get the technical support I need to do my job? Will my daughter develop healthy social skills, or get to play with her friends any time soon? Is it good for her to stare at and interact through screens all day? Good for any of us? Will my father-in-law be able to live independently? Will it ever cool the hell off? How will rolling blackouts affect our online school days? Will I ever find the motivation to eat healthy and exercise consistently (the place of motivation)?
Admitting how much I do not know or have control over is scary but there is freedom in letting go. The place of faith is uncomfortable, but a necessary one to spend time in if I am to ever fully learn who I am, who He is, and what my role is in this life. It is a place I can watch the circumstances unfold and be held instead of free-falling. It is a place that I can stop fighting and rest, once I let go of the fear.
Of course, the place of contentment is lovely too; I hear it has many vacancies these days.
Well those are big stressful situations!
And it is so important I remember how little I can control!
Faith is needed, that somehow things will work out.
xo
Wendy
Yes, but at least I am learning to have faith and trust rather than hide my head in the sand and avoid like I did in my drinking days, right? This all feels like a lot though. A lot! Hope things are okay with you. Xx
Ugh. Your hands are full. Sending good vibes your way and prayers up for you and your family.
Thanks so much, Crystal. Ugh indeed!
I can’t believe how tough that must be for you. But your in such a better place to deal with these challenges now. Alcohol just numbs the pain, doesn’t tackle the issues. You’ve got this. Thinking of you and sending hugs. Gary x
Thank you, Gary. Yes, definitely better equipped these days to deal with challenges instead of avoid them. I could use a bit of levity and light though. And I have faith that it will be so. Hugs to you and son. X
Oh, Collette! I’m so sorry you are going through this very rough patch. You and your family will get through it. Just one step forward at a time. Big hugs! ❤️
Thank you, Leafy. It feels like two steps forward one step back, but that’s still slow progress in the forward direction, right? Hugs to you! Xx
It is! I’m so glad to hear in your response to Claire that your son is recovering, and everyone else is still well. Thinking of you and your family. ❤️
Wow. First of all, big prayer for your son’s complete and swift recovery and that the rest of you don’t get it! 🙏🙏 I totally know what you mean and it really is so hard to know what will happen next. And now fires throughout the state as well. We will get through this strange and uncertain year… but not soon enough, it feels!! Sending love your way. At least it’s almost Friday?? I hope all this virtual schooling allows you all the weekend off! Xxx
Yes, it feels like we’ve been living this year for years now! I have definitely learned not to ask, what else can go wrong? or say, things can’t get worse! Just moving through one day at a time with my head down and eyes averted, haha. Let there be light! Xx
Oh Collette I posted my comment twice on this yesterday but for some reason it hasn’t appeared. I can’t remember all that I said now, it was quite an essay! You have so much going on but you are so strong and I know you will get there my lovely friend. We can roam around together in a place of Mystery for a while, our seats are reserved in Contentment. I’ll see you there one day xx
Maybe I was chucked in the spam pile because I wrote so much rubbish 😉❤️❤️
Never!! 😉
Shoot! That’s weird. And you know I was waiting for your comment because your comments are so thoughtful and supportive! Thanks for checking back in and trying again. Looking forward to better times ahead for us both! 💕
Yes for sure. I really hope your son is ok. Xxx
He’s getting better and so far none of us have come down with it. Thanks for asking! 💕🙏
Wow!
I’m moved by your faith, inspired by your continued sobriety and reminded that as we learn new things situations seem to gravitate towards us, or magically appear, as if to say “Now practice what you’ve learned”
When it rains and pours and many times I’ve been pummeled but it fortifies me and even makes me reach deeper to knowing myself.
I love this part:
“Of course, the place of contentment is lovely too; I hear it has many vacancies these days”
Times like these you’ve described is the hardest time to find contentment but perhaps it’s a lifeline to focus on?🤷♀️ That and love ❤️
You’re doing a wonderful job doing life❣️🤗
Hold on tightly to faith. Wait – Hope – Trust🤗
That’s all we can do… Xx
Oh my goodness Collette. You’re dealing with SO MUCH right now and your post is so calm and full of wisdom. I am so sorry about your son (is he ok? I hope he recovers fast) and your father in law. Sending you so much strength and love and tons of admiration cause you’re dealing with all this so so so well xxx Anne
Thanks, Anne. It’s hard when you’re in a place where all you can do is deal with it and not much more than that. I wan’t to be living, doing, thriving, and I want that for my family as well, but for now, we’re just “dealing.” The good news is that son is fully recovered and none of us got it! Xx
wonderful news about your son! I’m so glad you and your family are ok xxxx Anne
Thanks, Anne. It’s hard when you’re in a place where all you can do is deal with it and not much more than that. I wan’t to be living, doing, thriving, and I want that for my family as well, but for now, we’re just “dealing.” The good news is that son is fully recovered and none of us got it! Xx