I read a post on Instagram from one of my sober heroines, Carly Benson, that eloquently captured what I know to be true through my own experience. “To quit drinking, you have to change your mind about alcohol and what it means to you.” She goes on to say, “Sustainable sobriety starts in your mind. It’s a journey–to change your way of being you must first change your way of thinking.”
The all important mindset shift. I’ve written about it before. In my prior attempts to quit drinking, I strung together sober days like Fruit Loops on a string, growing more excited as it got long enough to become a necklace. I did this with cautious optimism, only to turn around one day in a fit of hunger, or emptiness, and eat all the sugary loops in a matter of minutes, destroying months of hard work.
This time around, I have a new perspective. I look at the series of multi-colored circles as a collection of good choices, strung together by love for myself and for my life, and the thought of eating them doesn’t even occur to me. Because the greater purpose of this sobriety necklace is to decorate and celebrate a life well lived, a life too precious to destroy or sabotage with fleeting thoughts of delicious destruction.
It’s a mindset shift; a new perspective I have been blessed with. Seeing a collection of days without drinking as a work of art, a victory, instead of individual loops of sugar it sure would be nice to eat. (Even in my weakened state of sugar abstinence.)
These days, I’m cautious about writing anything because I’m afraid I will have to eat my words. Practicing powerlessness has become mandatory for me, now that I received word my husband won’t be returning home as planned. Flights home have been cancelled. Their replacements locked down with the rest of us. Is this a cruel joke? Has practice turned into a test? A test I feel like I’m failing…
The temptation to cry and rage and be afraid and just shut down surrounds me, amplified by the loneliness and disconnection of the times.
But in the quiet space inside, I sense what I need is a mindset shift. A new perspective on an ugly situation.
Not a new pair of positive pants, as I’m not ready to try those on again yet. They don’t fit.
Perhaps a mindset shift made up of one part reality, one part acceptance and one part perseverance. This may be the perfect recipe for the warrior called for in times such as these.
With reality, comes the perspective that, while this is hard and it sucks, we are all going through varying degrees of difficulty right now, and so many are facing challenges much greater than mine.
With acceptance comes the willingness to run this household by myself, a little while longer, even if I don’t want to.
And with perseverance comes the humility and grace required to stay the course, even when it feels as if we’re trapped in the movie Groundhog Day. Even when the newness of all these situations gets old. And even when I feel like things will never get better, and he’ll never get home.
As I finish writing this, it has started to rain. I stare out the window, watching and contemplating. Is it daggers of dreariness driving home our imprisonment? Or is it life-giving renewal, washing us clean and sustaining us?
Each of us gets to decide how we see it.
Yes, that is a wonderful mindset to take.
Sending you love and hope.
xo
Wendy
Thank you, Wendy. Stay well. Xo
Hi Collette. So sorry things are tough right now. I know it’s hard when things seem to go on and on (like hubby not coming home). It’s difficult to stay cheerful when that powerlessness rears its head and there’s nothing you can do. All I can say is please hang in there and pray. I loved this…
“cautious about writing anything because I’m afraid I will have to eat my words.” I think that all the time. Sometimes writing is the answer tho, so keep on writing. Much love to ya. 😘❤
Sometimes I have a difficult choice to make and then i hear my words that were written in a Blog. That moment causes me to stand up a little bit taller, like my backbone is expanding and I tell myself…’Practice what you preach.’
I’ve never been cautious when writing from the heart. It gives me strength. ❤
I admire your strength and conviction.
💝
Thank you for your kind words, Janet. I believe writing is the answer, for me. Maybe I shouldn’t be so hasty to publish though. Like this morning, the mindset I described seems like a really tall order. Xx
i cannot imagine having to wait and wonder when a spouse or partner will be coming home. Especially with children in the Mix. I do remember years ago during Desert Storm how my sister in law had to face that many times. Fortunately for her she had been a sergeant in the Army prior to marrying and having children, so in some ways, she expected it ..but how can ANYone really prepare? Anyway, try to drink in calm and breathe in deep…hugs!!
Thanks, Lovie. His unit hasn’t deployed in 10 years and never long-term like this, so this is new to me. I see career-change talks in our future, if they ever bring him home!
I feel for you as we all want and need our loved ones close at times of threat – your words as always are beautiful and wise and what a great mindset to cultivate! Stay strong and take care and I hope he makes it home soon xx💞💞
Thank you so much. Yes, he also happens to be my best friend, so it would be a blessing to have him close in times like these. Stay well. Xx
Oh Collette I was so hoping he would be coming home to you very soon. I know this mindset seems pretty difficult to achieve right now and don’t beat yourself up if you need time to be pissed off at the world. You will achieve it though, I have no doubt. What’s that saying “you are braver than you believe and stronger than you think”. Sending love and hoping like crazy he gets back soon xx 😘❤️
Thank you for your kind words, dear friend. Yes, the wise space inside me that I have to be still and be intentional to hear gave me the recipe for this perfect mindset, but today, and maybe the next several more, my sad, angry thoughts got the best of me. I’m allowing some wallowing but I will pick myself up and move forward soon. Take care of yourself and stay well. ♥️🙏
It’s important to allow wallowing for a while. Sadness and anger are emotions I avoided for too long and that was very unhelpful. I really feel for you. Sending love xx
Thank you dear. Your words mean a lot to me. Tomorrow will be hard because it was supposed to be his homecoming day. Anyway, take care and keep blogging. Xx
Tough time for you! Thinking of you 💕
Lovely post… like Janet above, the phrase that most caught my eye was “These days, I’m cautious about writing anything because I’m afraid I will have to eat my words.” Oh yes, I hear you on that one!! But somehow, I can always manage to get them down, awfully challenging though it feels at the time. It’s hard though to navigate between practicing some restraint and also letting our creative sides blossom. But I guess practice makes better. ❤️xoxoxo
Collette, I’m so sorry to hear about your husband’s further delay. That must be so hard! And during this time, too. But you are strong! Take good care of yourself. Hugs!
Thank you, Leafy. 💕