As most of you know, I am in a situation where someone close to me remains in the hospital after going through alcohol withdrawal and liver failure and now is trying to get well enough to enter rehab. I had a conversation with my mother-in-law about this situation and she made a comment that really bothered me that I’d like to address here.
We were talking about my own problem with alcohol and I said how I wished my family were more supportive in my early days of quitting. She said, “they probably didn’t know you had an issue. I didn’t.”
Now granted, my mother-in-law is not part of my inner circle. But it made me think about how society not only controls the narrative around drinking but also around who has a problem and ought to seek help.
We are sold the narrative that you only have “an issue” if you bottom out, are in trouble with the law, lose your job, your family, or are on death’s door. These are the “alcoholics.” The people with “an issue.” The problem with this is that there are countless masses of people caught up in the web of drinking who are probably told by others that they don’t have an issue. Most of these people even tell themselves that, until it’s too late to deny.
Furthermore, a major characteristic of this issue is hiding your issue. When you start to feel out of control you begin to hide your drinking so that no one will deem that you do in fact have, an issue. Because you can’t imagine life without it, and you will do anything to protect it. And people with an issue get really good at hiding.
So, while I wasn’t in trouble with the law, and still had my family, I was experiencing a wide spectrum of consequences mentally, spiritually and physically. However I did not discuss or admit my issue, to others or to myself.
Physically, I slept horribly, had digestive problems, was overweight and on anti-anxiety medication. I had low energy and high blood pressure. I suffered from memory lapses and felt nauseated and had headaches most of the time.
Spiritually, alcohol was my idol and it replaced my relationship with God. When I did attend church or pray, it was half-hearted. I did not want to acknowledge that there was an empty hole in my soul, and I knew this was not the way I was made to live.
Mentally, I was filled with self-loathing. I no longer trusted myself. I resented spending time away from wine and doing things for my family. I had no motivation to do anything other than get through the day. I argued with my husband a lot. I felt trapped, like there was no way out. I knew that things would end very badly for me if I didn’t find a way to stop.
So did I have an issue with alcohol? Like so many hundreds of thousands of people stuck in that existence right now, yes. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention defines anything more than 8 drinks a week as heavy drinking. If you are a heavy drinker, you will most definitely have consequences in your life, whether they are physical, mental, spiritual, financial or all of the above.
It’s time to start accepting that having an issue with alcohol doesn’t have to look like the homeless drunk person staggering around on the street and begging for change. Most of the time it looks like you and me. It starts slow, but make no mistake about its power to slowly devastate, steal and destroy.
I knew I needed to make a change because what was happening was not good and what was coming would be worse. I accepted my issue and chose to do something about it, before the choice was taken from me. Sometimes, I think it’s harder to stop before you become the stereotypical “alcoholic.” There is less physical suffering involved, but many will cling to the “what if” or “was it really that bad” for the rest of their days.
I look at it this way: If your life would be better without alcohol in it, you have an issue. I love Laura McKowen‘s writing on addiction and alcohol and highly recommend her book, We Are the Luckiest, if you haven’t read it. I will leave you with a quote from one of her blog posts, about how asking whether or not you are an alcoholic is the wrong question.
The normal question is, Is this bad enough for me to have to change?
The question we should be asking is, Is this good enough for me to stay the same?
And the real question underneath it all is, Am I free?
Amen, Collette. Love that… Is this good enough for me to stay the same? I also agree it takes tons of faith, determination, and self-love turn your big life ship 180% without reaching out to loved ones. This community was my crutch and my balance during my turn around. I’ll be forever grateful. My family didn’t have a clue until much time afterwards. Thank God my soul got my attention before I hit rock bottom. It is pretty fricked up we feel embarrassed and ashamed with these life journeys. I get that piece too where friends say like forever you’re quitting…it was that bad they kept asking…ugghhh. The tattoo with my sober date shut them up😎. Showing vulnerabilities and responding loving is not something us humans do well at all.
Yes, that’s very true. Friends are quick to downplay our problems and we downplay it as well, until we can’t anymore. I’m with you and I’m so glad I stopped before I reached the end. ❤️
it is so common to drink in the arts community. The only ones who stand out are the ones who wind up in hospital repeatedly or die from it. almost no one even bothers to hide it but the worst part is how much the stereotype is even encouraged. Drugs like pot and hallucinogens are also encouraged. So, i was in the way minor leagues, drinking only one night a week and not usually outside my own home. Its kind of weird the CDC would say 8 drinks a week, because by that standard, i wouldn’t be considered as having a problem. My issue was binge drinking and usually 6-7 beers at one sitting and pretty quickly. There were some times when i drank 9-10.I get this whole post..i think the only ones who recognized my problem was maybe my daughter and my roommates.Only my daughter ever said anything, and it was never really anything i took to heart. Now that i look back, and also through the recent relapse, so many things like this really hit home. Great post!
Thanks Lovie. I didn’t write about binge drinking, but basically the CDC defines “excessive drinking” as heavy drinking (8 or more per week for women, 15 or more for men) or binge drinking, which is defined as 4 or more drinks in one sitting. Is there such a thing as heavy binge drinking? If so, I think I was in that group! I think that the more ensnared you are with alcohol, the more defensive you are when called out, and the less likely you are to listen! Xx
i agree.. i was so ultra defensive..now i get offended if someone says i am NOT an alcoholic…lol..yes, i totally was in that same club — and still would be no matter how much i think i wouldnt…
Really enjoyed reading this post! I will definitely look into your book recommendation and I’m taking “The question we should be asking is, Is this good enough for me to stay the same?” with me from now on.
I’m really lucky for all of you here on WordPress as there’s nobody around me that really understands how hard it is to quit. 🙌🏻
Yes, she absolutely asks the right question! Glad you found it helpful. Xx
Totally relate to this Collette – lots of people’s reaction was ‘were you that bad?’ often followed by – ‘can you not just cut down?’ My response is usually ‘none is easier than one’ – I didn’t share my inner anguish with anyone but wanted to someone to call me out – thankfully my daughter did – will check out the book recommendation too! 💞💞
Yes, it’s a shame that the standard response when someone admits they are struggling is, “can’t you just cut back?” It’s hard enough to admit you are struggling, and that response totally belittles the person and the problem. Xx
Thanks for posting what the CDC says. I’m one of those people who thinks 8 drinks a week is nothing, and that information makes me a heavy drinker. Of course, I would prefer not to admit that.
Thank you Crystal. That’s why I think McKowen’s question is a great one, “Is this good enough for me to stay the same?” And maybe it is. It’s an individual question and everyone feels differently. I think people know in their heart when they need to make a change. That’s why it’s a shame when people do reach out and are met with, “Oh, you’re fine.” Even doctors downplay drinking and it’s deleterious effects on our health. So my point is, IF you feel that drinking is negatively impacting your life and your life isn’t good enough for you to continue in your patterns, you need to seek out supportive people instead of people who may be trying to downplay their own problems. It’s not just the bottomed-out drinker that has the problem; it was a problem long before that point. Ok, I’ll get off my soap box. Lots of love and light to you! Xx
It’s a great question, one I will chew on. I love my friends who challenge me in a positive direction. ❤️
8 a WEEK is heavy? Oh, Lord! What is 24 a night?! 😳
Anthony Fauci shakes his head…
LOL 🙂
PS. I love where you went with the post. Well done! I was a little shaky at first, with the society stuff, but you nailed the landing.
I could ask you to elaborate…but I will just say thank you! 🙂 Xx
So there’s the 28 year sober me that doesn’t like it when people blame society for sleights they imagine (F.E.A.R. false evidence appears real)… it’s one of those things that I bristle over. But you really turned that frown upside down with how you wrapped it up. 👍
I can so relate to this. I never got close to bottoming out but the impact was abundantly clear. I was dependent and distorted. Best decision ever was made. We can do this ❤️❤️
I became the ‘alcoholic’ barometer when I gave up. People needed to know they either drank less than me so they felt ok about carrying on, or that I gave up because I had depression and anxiety and alcohol didn’t help … not that I had a problem with addiction to alcohol. Personally, I think if you are asking yourself whether you drink too much, you probably are! It made me ill, and sad, and lonely and very very unhealthy … so why carry on? Nice post 💕♥️💗
So true about becoming the barometer. We as a society are so in denial about the seriousness of this plague. It saddens me. Yes, if your wondering about it the answer is yes, and people need to talk about that. Doctors need to talk about it. Much needs to change. Hugs to you! 🌟💖