I’m going on a trip to Utah with my oldest son in a few weeks. He has a volleyball tournament and we will be traveling with his teammates and their parents. I have yet to meet any other parents, as he now transports himself to practices and matches. This Monday, There is a team bbq to go over logistics and expectations.
“Do you want me to come?” I asked my son. “I don’t know,” he began, trying unsuccessfully to form his response into a considerate reply. “Do you trust your ability to make friends with the other parents? Because I don’t want to sit with you all night.” Ouch. My son is honest, to a fault sometimes.
Giving up a crutch you’ve relied on since your formative years forces you to learn things you’ve largely avoided before. Like how to make friends, sober. How to socialize, sober. How to reach inside and find your true self and present it to the world in a confident manner. Sober.
On second thought, I think I’ll skip it.
I like to think that I am selective about what I choose to do. That turning down invitations to social events as the solo non-drinker is me not wanting to have to engage with people who will probably just get more and more annoying as the evening wears on.
But when I shine the light on my true thoughts and motives, I see the wariness of being in the company of others without the social lubricant that used to make my words flow so naturally. The truth is: I am an awkward conversationalist. I’m quiet, and probably what some would consider boring. I don’t have any extravagant travel stories or outrageous hobbies to speak of. I haven’t had a wild and crazy life and don’t enjoy probing into other peoples’ lives. I’d much rather keep to myself. Curl up with a good book or the quiet company of my husband.
So what I ponder these days is, when is it going to get easier to socialize without liquid courage, and is it bad if I choose not to?
It’s not that I’m a total hermit. I teach as a profession and that, in itself requires a lot of human interaction. I spend a lot of time with my family, and not as much time with a few close friends.
It’s the group setting where I don’t know people very well that is excruciating. And I know it will only get easier with practice. But grown-ups shouldn’t have to learn how to socialize at age 45.
I feel like there is this fundamental skill that I should have built long ago, step by step, but I completely circumvented it by taking the elevator instead.
When I traded in participating in the nuanced dance of social conversation for easy and meaningless babble and blather, I denied myself the chance to learn to build connections out of thin air. I skipped over how to play in the sandbox for a chance to roll mindlessly down the grassy hills.
Now, I stand up, look around, and am acutely aware of my shyness. I’m back in middle school and I don’t know where to sit at lunch. I naturally want to gravitate toward one person and be a “we” to alleviate my glaring aloneness, but I don’t want to burden another with my insecurities. So I make small talk at the food table and smile and nod as people drift away.
Or, more likely, I stay home. In my bubble of comfort with the chosen few who know me and get me, and love me anyway.
Is it wrong to opt out? Am I opting out of life? How does one decide what a healthy level of interaction is, or how much socializing it takes to be social?
And what if I’m not? If avoiding situations that make me cringe is bad for me, what does good for me look like?
When did it become so hard to be normal?
I ponder these questions, on World Mental Health Day. My brother is visiting from New York and he is out winetasting with my parents and my sister and her husband because that’s what my family does when we get together: eat and drink. I didn’t get an invitation by the way, probably because they knew I’d say no. I am at home, spending a quiet afternoon with a good book. Celebrating my choice to give up booze and gain back a sense of wellness and wellbeing.
I know that sobriety is the greatest gift I’ve ever given myself. But, like any huge life change, it’s left some holes. And what I decide to fill those holes with will be the determining factor on whether this wellness journey is a fruitful one.
Balance has always been a struggle for me, but I think it must also be found here. Balance between accepting myself for who I am naturally, and pushing myself to take a few risks and stand in the spotlight once in awhile. Even if makes my palms sweat and my tongue feels swollen. Even if I feel like I’m in seventh grade again. Because if I keep saying no, eventually there will be nothing left to say yes to.
Learning how to play in the sandbox at age 45 is tough, but it’s a hole that needs to be filled in order for me to be complete.
This is so well said. When I gave up almost immediately huge holes appeared in my social life. It was scary just how ingrained alcohol had become with meeting friends. Over time I have had to relearn some social skills, learn some new ones. Maybe this time I will be much better at at. x
It’s a process and a skill I feel like I should have learned long ago…then again, I feel like I need to be kind enough to myself to realize that I am just not a very outgoing person! Xx
We must have been reading each other’s thoughts today. Lol see my post about anxiety and being shy and afraid of talking to people and other moms especially for my sons sports. http://www.poureditout.com
Strange how we grow and connect when sober and figuring it all out
~K from the hill country
That’s crazy…and comforting…to know others are going through the same exact thing. I enjoyed reading your post and will follow your blog. I think we have a lot in common! Thanks for reading!
I see nothing wrong with being solitary. I spend most of my time alone. I am a chatty introvert. If the mood strikes me I can socialize. I just need to honour my limits. When I get tired, I must go.
I find asking others questions about themselves works perfect.
That said, I used to be more concerned about the booze. I have yet to ever go anywhere where everyone else was drinking. Even my sons last few years of hockey…it was only a few drinking parents.
Do what you want. If you go and hate it could you leave? I often go with that plan and then usually stay.
Hugs
Anne
Anne, thank you for the permission to be solitary. I think it’s a big part of who I am. And, you’re right about how not everyone else drinks (that’s just in my family, lol). I think that I make it into a bigger thing in my mind than it really is. I forget not everyone has to drink at every occasion, like I used to. Hope you are doing well. How’s that boy of yours doing with school? Hugs to you.
Oh my goodness, I relate to this post so much, Collette! I can agree with the idea that it’s ok to be solitary if that makes you happy, but also get that socializing is important for one’s mental health. Oh the balance is so hard!! I have to admit that parties often freak me out unless I know most of the people there pretty well. Or, I’m throwing the party. And that I have always preferred the company of a few close friends to a party with strangers. It’s so interesting how so many of us are similar this way. Hugs! ❤️
Thank you for the moral and mental support, Leafy! It really helps knowing people understand and have the same tendencies. Hugs to you.
I’m a few close friends person myself! But I like being invited to big parties!
Like Anne, I have an escape plan.
I definitely get anxious in big groups.
xo
Wendy
Thanks, Wendy. It’s those situations where I have to go alone and I don’t know anyone that is just my definition of hell! Oh well…we get through it! Xx
i love reading your posts..you truly are a gifted writer..much of this was and still mostly is true of myself but i do so long to get past this pandemic and be able to socialize just a little. I was pretty close to thinking we could relax but now our numbers are swelling again, i can only assume kids getting back to classrooms has contributed to that somewhat .So, once again i suppressed the desire and have been opting to stay in my small social bubble…what i fear the most though is when we are allowed out to play again, if i will remember any social skills at all….lol
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