We’ve all been there before, some more often than others. For me, it was a constant cycle. Moving through the day in a fog, reacting instead of taking action. Willing time to pass so I could be finished with my daily obligations. Doing, saying, and expecting the bare minimum. And finally reaching the point where I slid under a blanket of self-absorption and bid the day adieu.
The thing about existing over living is that you can’t truly see that this is what you’re doing until you stop. Existence becomes your reality, your normal, and you can’t see the tiny but determined blossom of potential inside you, waiting to unfold.
It is only by looking back that I can see how alcohol pushed me into a state of existence. How my dependence on it robbed me of experiencing my own life.
Alcohol robbed me of…
Presence. While I occupied a physical space, my mind remained elsewhere. My brain like a rock tumbler, smoothing, sanding and erasing the rough, raw edges of my thoughts, feelings and memories. When my kids needed their mother, they received a stand-in, and no one knew which version to expect on any given day, including me. I only knew, and protested to myself in vain, that it wasn’t the real me.
Motivation. Obligation drove any accomplishment or achievement I experienced during the drinking years. I had no motivation, inspiration or ambition because I lacked a vision for my life or hope that I could be more. Getting through the day was my goal. Checking off the Absolutely Crucial To Do List items (the hell with anything over and above what was necessary to maintain mediocre status). Then sinking back into my haze of self-pity and self-punishment.
Self-Worth. There is nothing that will crush one’s self-worth more quickly or completely than feeling powerless over an addiction. From the quiet hours of the morning through the excruciating live-long day, you beat yourself down, and up. For doing it again. For disappointing others and yourself. For falling into this pit with slime-covered walls in the first place.
Recovering what was lost
I love the term recovery for its accuracy, because we are literally recovering what was taken from us by addiction. When you remove the blanket of self-absorption and poke your head above the haze of self-pity, you feel the coolness and clarity of truth. Of authenticity. Of how it’s supposed to be. And the very things that alcohol strips you of are the things you receive in abundance.
Presence. I am here for life. I show up, whether it is difficult or delightful, busy or boring. I show up for my kids as the same mom that tucked them in the night before. Not a perfect mom, but a consistent, dependable one who remembers to tell them every day that I love them, and how to help them with their math homework. I experience pain, joy, peace, and beauty in high-definition, and I am grateful to be here for all of it.
Motivation. I wake up in the morning ready to start my routine and move through my day with intention. I give all I have to pursuing my potential and making life meaningful for myself and others. The goals I accomplish, big and small, are made and met to fulfill a purpose, not an obligation. And that purpose is to live life as my authentic self and touch as many other lives as I can.
Self-worth. I now know how to take care of myself and meet my needs in healthy ways. I believe I am worth the care, effort, and attention it takes to keep me functioning at an optimum level, not just mediocre status. And I do this so that I can get the most out of my life, and also impact the lives of others. I realize that God gave me this life, not so I could waste it, but so I could thrive.
So when I look back at the existence I was trapped in, it’s not to wallow in shame or regret. It is to acknowledge where I was, to feel overwhelmingly grateful for where I am, and encouraged and excited about where I have yet to go. If you are reading this and feel trapped in existence, my hope is that you too will be able to look back one day and see what you’ve recovered.
Brilliant post!!!! I sat here nodding all the way through. xox
Thank you! Glad you can relate! Xx
Awesome post and all so true. What’s funny is that so many habits can start sucking us in. Sober almost 4 years now but there are times I just exist still. I thought if myself last night as a dog chasing it’s tail. Sometimes. It’s just much easier to get back on track sober.
Of myself not if lol.
Such a lovely post. You write beautifully and your words mean so much xx
Thank you for your kind words, Claire! Xx
Beautiful. You have such a gift in writing, Collette.
Thank you, Elizabeth! 💕
You are so welcome!
A lot of people (myself included) get sucked into the whole “alcohol took from me” line of thought. I’ve modified that since I dug a little deeper into the idea that our problems, we think, are of our own making… Alcohol and drugs didn’t take anything from me. I gave that stuff up freely. My problems are of my own making. It just puts the onus on me.
Thanks, Jim. I 100 percent agree that I was responsible for the problems created in my life during all those years. I chose to use, and therefore the consequences that came with it. I was getting at the fact that abusing alcohol caused me to suffer from lack of motivation, self worth and presence. And when I removed the substance from my life, I found them again.