I’ve been thinking about relapse lately, and why it happens. I picture a weakened figure sliding down the steep sides of a slippery pit. A bird caught mid-flight and thrown back into a rusty cage. The loudness of silence, waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Ask anyone who has a history with drugs or alcohol and they will tell you they’ve had at least one, usually multiple relapses. Many people argue that relapse is a necessary part of recovery.
I myself had two long relapses before the current state I’m living in: the state of grateful vigilance. In the process of drilling down into my own addiction and recovery, I’ve discovered a few truths I thought might help someone else, so I thought I’d share…
The Courtship
But before relapse comes the relationship with the thing that won’t let you go. Looking back, I can see I used alcohol to meet a need; the need to feel known, accepted and loved by myself and others.
In my teen years, everyone around me was striving to establish themselves as something: the cheerleader, the jock, the brain, the social butterfly, the rebel. Yes, it was exactly like living in my own version of The Breakfast Club.
This process of self-identification and proclamation completely mystified me. I liked people, but I was painfully shy. I liked to get good grades, but didn’t fit in with the nerds hanging out in teachers’ classrooms at lunch. I liked watching and attending school sports events, but wasn’t athletic, coordinated or confident enough to participate.
Who was I? And why was this so difficult to figure out? Why was I always in my head, overthinking and overcomplicating life?
I did not discover who I was at that time, but I did discover that when I drank, the noise quieted. My normally tongue-tied, awkward conversations became eloquent, witty banter. I could relax, let down my guard, and melt into whoever I wanted to be.
So I let alcohol move in, expand, and eventually eclipse any sense of identity or authenticity that may have been waiting in the wings. Without connecting with my true self, it was impossible to love that self. I was like a hollow chocolate bunny; a reproduced, replicated form without a core.
I no longer had to develop my authentic self and risk being judged or rejected. Instead, I could melt into mediocrity and blend in to silence. The comforting silence of oblivion over the painful noise of conspicuousness.
Throughout the years, I learned to believe that alcohol could meet all of my needs: relaxing, stress-relieving, celebrating, commemorating, ameliorating, numbing and adulting.
And now that I’m sober, I’ve realized the truth: that it does none of the things mentioned above and instead robs us of experience, memories, and a relationship with ourselves.
The Quagmire
Once the space inside was no longer occupied by alcohol, I had to figure out what was supposed to be there, or who was supposed to be there.
This is a process that I’m still engaged with on a daily basis, and probably always will be. It’s nebulous and evolving. Holes don’t fill overnight. Identities aren’t formed from thin air.
Self-love and self-worth are also processes that require careful sculpting and a dedication to wellness and healthy thinking.
You can’t love or value someone who isn’t there to begin with; when she shows up you have to be kind, forgiving and expect bumps in the road.
What are these bumps in the road? Unfortunately, your unhealthy tendencies and desires to escape are still with you. It takes a certain amount of unhealthy thinking to pick up the bottle in the first place, and self-sabotage doesn’t just disappear when you decide to quit.
Avoiding the Fall
And this is why relapse is so common. Years of conditioned responses, living in your head, refusing to leave you alone for good. You quit drinking. You feel great. You are figuring out who you are and what you love. You’re taking care of yourself. Learning that you have value and worth.
And then, seemingly out of nowhere, come the thoughts and (heaven help you) the opportunity.
Why can’t I drink like a normal person? What can one drink hurt? I’ve been working so hard…doing so well! I’ve proven I can go without…so why not with? Just for a night. I’ll go back to being good tomorrow.
Six months later, you are still trying to claw your way back to peace. Self-sabotage can rise like a tsunami, or trickle like a quiet stream, but it always exposes faulty thinking and makes the fall look deceivingly worth it.
You can work on excavating these thoughts from your mind once you recognize them. Or you can reinforce them with repetition. Each time you relapse, the more difficult it is to hold onto your self and your sobriety.
So what helps, then, is to accept that the tendency to self-sabotage is alive in you, and probably always will be. Then, when those thoughts do appear, you acknowledge them and identify them for what they are: thoughts wrapped up in emotion, trying to take you down.
And once you are aware of what is taking place, you can summon the self-worth you’ve worked so hard for. Summon the person you have promised to let grow and fill space. Release sabotaging thoughts and remove yourself from the opportunity.
And wait for the feelings of gratitude that always visit a person who has refused to stumble.
First of all, I couldn’t figure out why it was so hard to find your new posts lately. This evening, while browsing on my phone I saw that I was no longer following you… and I have no idea how that happened. Anyway, it’s fixed now. Really strange and I’m glad I figured it out!
This is an excellent post Collette. Self-sabotage is so tough to beat. If we can’t hurt ourselves one way, we figure out how to do it another way. I was thinking that about my eating the other day… it’s out of control these past few weeks and it’s that “I deserve this” syndrome you wrote about before. Why are the things we think we “deserve” so bad for us?? Poo!
Anyway, great advice here. I hope you have a beautiful weekend enjoying your family, whatever you do. xx
I’m glad you “found” me again…that has happened to me too!
Yes, self-sabotaging thoughts and behaviors definitely do not limit themselves to drinking…there are so many ways that this tendency creeps into our lives. I guess we just have to stay aware of the false reasoning and continually try to orient ourselves to what is true, and healthy for us. Thank you, Janet. I hope you are enjoying your weekend as well! Xx
Very helpful again, Collette. Thank you! xxx
Thank you for reading, Leafy. Xx
The truth is the teen years are ROUGH 😜
It’s already a tornado of emotions and then alcohol spins its own devious, intricate web that can easily trap any teen experimenting with it.
I warn my children to have courage to talk to me or someone they trust f they feel the need to numb or escape using alcohol because in the end, if you want to live a healthy life, those same scary or ugly feelings eventually need to be resolved.
Not sure if that is sound advice but for now that’s what I’ve wanted them to consider in their early teen years. 🤷♀️
Powerful post Collette. Self-love is a muscle we all must exercise ❤️🤗
Yes, I believe that’s where it all started to go wrong for me. I wish I had had someone to talk to me and tell me the things you are saying to your kids. I think you are right on for having those conversations. When I talk to my boys, I openly admit they they’ve learned what NOT to do by watching me and their father struggle well into adulthood. At least these conversations are honest, and they are taking place, right? Power in communication. And, yes to the life-long process of cultivating self-love! Xx
Well, my goal is to help guide my kids to do better with some real honest conversations ❤️ And your boys are seeing an amazing woman committed to being her best ❣️🤗
Perfectly said! Yes, I even had some of those thoughts these past months. And I know they are lies my alcohol brain tells me.
xo
Wendy
Yes, I am astounded at the perseverance of those thoughts! Take care, Wendy! Xx
wow, what an extremely useful (and beautifully written) post Collette <3 Thank you so much for writing it! Also, this really his me: "You can’t love or value someone who isn’t there to begin with" : alcohol doesn't reveal the real you, it obliterates it. As long as you keep drinking, you can neither access yourself, not the aspects of it that you want to work on. xxxx <3 Anne
Great post Collette, although I’m not sure it’s all self sabotage. Ive had so many times when Ive had the urge to drink and often it’s external pressures and cultural expectations. I think one has to be incredibly disciplined, motivated, resolute to give up the booze in a booze dominated society. So many elements have to come together to make it work- I’m just amazed so many of us manage it. Strength in community.X
Yes, it’s much more complex than that. Self-sabotage is an element in the periodic table of addiction 😉💕
So get this. Society is so often designed around selling alcohol. I lost touch with so many people because meet ups were often at pubs, or wine filled restaurants or BBQs.
Yes, sad but true.