I finally went to the doctor yesterday about my knee. I’ve been seeing this GP for 25 years now, and he also is the doctor for my husband, three children and ex-husband, so he probably knows more than he wants to about me and my family.
I hadn’t seen him in awhile, so I shared the news that I haven’t had a drink in a year and a half. We have discussed my drinking problem from time to time during visits over the past decade, the period of time where I was really miserable and wrestling with how to quit. I never received much help from him other than the diagnosis of Alcohol Use Disorder and the recommendation of 12-step programs and counseling. He did put me on Zoloft for a particularly stressful period of time, which I was able to stop six months into my current stretch of sobriety.
On my last alcohol-related visit with him, I asked about Naltrexone and he referred me to an addiction specialist, where I was put on the medication and required to attend therapy with said specialist. I quit Naltrexone after about six months, because I was still drinking nightly and did not find that it alleviated my “need” to drink.
All this to say that I wanted to give my doctor an update, and report my current success. He was very pleased and curious as to what had finally worked.
“So what was it that made you finally able to stop?” I thought this was kind of amusing, coming from a doctor, but also confirmed what I knew in my heart. There is no “prescription” that will cure addiction.
I told him I didn’t have the answer to what finally worked (and wouldn’t I be rich and famous if I did?). That it was a combination of tools, strategies and mindset.
He shared a story about one of his patients who has become really ensnared in the grip of alcohol. How she has started blacking out and falling, breaking bones, and damaging organs, and swears that she wants to quit, but always ends up drinking again.
And there is the confounding part. When, rationally….consciously, you want to stop but can’t. Anyone who has tried to quit for good has struggled with this. It is rarely, if ever, a successful attempt on the first try.
I have searched my heart and mind about what finally gave me the motivation and the follow-through. I can go back through journals and read the words of a miserable woman who swore she wanted, more than anything, to quit drinking. And yet, she continued.
I consider my faith strong, and greatly strengthened by the fact that I was finally freed from addiction, cravings and obsession. Yet, there were a number of years when my main prayer to God was to be freed, to be “given” the strength to stop, but felt no help or deliverance of any kind.
Why was this? If God is all-powerful and capable of freeing me from this bondage, why weren’t my prayers being answered?
I can answer this in hindsight, though living through it was frustrating, confusing and painful. I may have desperately wanted God to take away my obsession, but I wasn’t ready to give it up, until I was ready to give it up. It was like offering up this stinking, ugly package of bondage and remorse, but still holding onto it like my life depended on it.
I wanted to stop. I wasn’t ready to hand it over. Until I was.
I told my doctor that the secret ingredient to change for me was a shift in mindset. I think we all have a point, a rock bottom, whatever that looks like for each of us. But for me, it was being so sick and tired of being sick and tired. Being ready and able to admit alcohol was not my friend and did nothing for me but bring me misery, regret and anxiety. Being ready and willing to hand it over, and not want it back.
I know some people never grasp this little piece of light; this insight that allows them to see the key and use it to set themselves free. People die convinced that they wanted to quit, but not being able to let it go. To hand it over and find peace.
This is what is scary. I can’t predict that I will never again take back that stinking, ugly package of bondage and remorse. Because we can always take it back, can’t we. And if I do, I can’t say that I’ll be able to let it go again.
This is how we live. By doing what we can each day to surrender what destroys us and not fall into the cage again. By being mindful of the benefits that sobriety brings, and thankful that we can see and appreciate the difference. By never forgetting the point where we reached the end and how that felt. And how good it feels now to be in a place of peace, well-being and health.
There is no one prescription, but we never arrive at that place of healing until we let go of what is holding us down. And not ask for it back.
Great post Collette – I agree we need to remember how bloody awful we felt when drinking to stay away from it as much as appreciating the benefits of not. For me it was the realisation that I’d been conned into thinking this noxious substance held so many benefits and was the key to fun, relaxing etc that shifted my mind set. Hope you and the family are ok with all that’s going on over there xxx💞💞
Yes, that realization is HUGE. And conned is the perfect word. One of the first posts I wrote on this blog was about THE TRUTH as I see it. And I did feel like the world had pulled one over on me. I would never have gotten to that place if I didn’t finally accept that alcohol was not my friend, never would be and had never done me any favors.
We are still closed up in our houses, avoiding the smoke outside. My son has been getting bloody noses from the awful air. It’s a mess over here.
Hugs to you. Xx
I’m thinking of you – hope you can all stay safe and get through this 💞💞
I wish I could have bottled the awfulness of how I felt at times when drinking. Just so that, on occasions when I think I might want to ask for it back, I can take a sniff of those dark days and instantly be reminded why I made such a huge effort to stop in the first place. It’s a good thing that memories of pain and suffering lessen with time. Life would be awful otherwise. But it wouldn’t harm every now and then to have a small reminder to keep me on the starlight and narrow! 🤗😘❤️
Yes, bottle up that darkness and breathe it in when we need a reminder. I guess at some point we have to just trust ourselves and our decisions, even if the misery isn’t fresh (and I agree, that’s a good thing). I am learning to distinguish between my inner voice that is the truth and the drinking voice that is a liar. Hugs to you. Xx
That drinking voice is always lurking and we must never be complacent. But my inner voice gets louder by the day. 😘🤗💕
Yes I think the inner voice gets more distinct the more we become aware of it and give it space to shine! 💕
Beautifully written post (as usual) Collette <3 It must have felt so good to tell your doctor… I hope you rubbed it in his face lol 🙂 You're right about there being no single prescription cure. I feel like I'm stil working on integrating the insight you speak of. Maybe fore some it's a gradual process? xxx <3 Anne
Thanks, Anne. And actually, I consider my doctor a good doctor…it’s just that most doctors are so unhelpful when it comes to alcohol dependence. I think they’ve just given up on finding real, helpful solutions, believing there is nothing they can do. I think their schooling should include much more comprehensive training on the causes and treatment of addiction…anyway, off my soap box.
This insight, the final letting go, is a nebulous, tricky thing. A wonderful, intelligent guy, in recovery and a pillar of the IG sober community @reactionrecovery, posted something along the same lines, saying he didn’t agree with the recovery saying, “It’s not for people who need it, it’s for people who want it.” The world is full of people who want (and need) to quit. He said he believes the secret ingredient is action. Something to think about…
Hope you are well. Hugs and love. Xx
yes I didn’t mean to imply he wasn’t a good doctor! wow yes i thin action definitely changes everything – without it we’re just speculating lol
Love this one!
I remember when I has the nerve to bring up my drinking, my doctor told me to just drink on weekends. 🤦🏻♀️
xo
Wendy
Why doesn’t that surprise me. My mom told me when she brought up her 50+ year-drinking habit to her doctor that he just told her to have one each night and she’d be fine. (Shaking my head). Xx
You are right my friend. So many times we expect God to take it, when all the while He’s waiting for us to let go and give it to Him completely.
Yes. Exactly this. And that is so difficult to “see” when we are in it. Xx
excellent description – in every way…as you know i have had to recently hit a ‘re-set’ button…after 14 months of total sobriety, i got a bit casual..its amazing how quickly it can sneak up on you again..i mean , at least this time nothing truly dreadful happened and i had the experience and knowledge to say “ok,it’s time to stop”- but you are more than correct when you say remembering what it DOESNT do for you and how awful it really is, is what really gets most i know on the path. It was the same this time- two hangovers and i was instantly on high alert. People like us MUST stay vigilant. Even if we do choose to experiment , its the slipperiest slope one can walk…
Yes, the slipperiest slope. I’m afraid I won’t be able to get my footing again if I slip. I’m glad you’re on the path again and nothing bad happened as a result. This is quite a year to get through, for sure. Hugs and love. 💕
Powerhouse of a post!
This is one of the most powerful and raw truths of life:
“There is no one prescription, but we never arrive at that place of healing until we let go of what is holding us down. And not ask for it back.“
Yes, no movement past the pain until the decision is made to let go of what is destroying us before the job is finished!
As always, love your honest observations and courage to live your best each day.
Life sure isn’t easy but it can also be so, SO good❣️❤️🤗
Thank you for your wise, kind words. You’re always encouraging and I’m thankful for you! 💕
Shift in mindset. These words speak to me even though I’m not exactly sure what this means in my life. I could probably use some counseling to figure it out. ❤️ I’m happy for your shift.
It is worth investing in yourself. Sometimes mindset shifts are life changing. 💕🦋
It’s so easy to forget the dark times. Missed opportunities. The hurt. It does help to remember that from time to time x
Well said. You’re right to think you’d be well off if you could define or explain what it takes, but we just can’t. The point is different for everyone, but I hope we all get to such a point. Some will blow right past it, and, like you said, it seldom takes the first time, but I have to hope we can all get to that point where the need is so great it just clicks. I am so grateful it happened for me, and, while I know there’s no guarantee I’ll never drink again, I’m far enough along that I have fewer fears of that happening than I used to. Still, we’ve always got to keep our guards up, because you know how cunning our minds can be when they want to rationalize the upside of taking a drink. Be well and sober.
Thank you, Paul. It is different for everyone, as is the amount of misery each person is willing to take until they finally say, “enough.” I’m glad I reached that point somewhat unscathed (still employed and have my health, no legal trouble) but I wish I’d reached that point way sooner. No use regretting though. Just making the most of what I have every day. Thanks for reading!