Too Much of a Good Thing

In my post March’s Word of the Month: Cultivate, I revealed my endeavor to give up sweets for Lent. Now that I’m wrapping up this season, I can reflect on this period of abstinence and evaluate the place of sugary food in my life. I also want to give an update on my overall healthy eating journey, which began with my farewell to diet culture. Last spring I wrote two posts on Healing My Relationship with Food, Part 1 and Part 2. In these posts I share my intentions to never go on another diet, to stop defining my worth by my size in relation to our culture’s ideal size 2 and to stop considering food “bad” and “good”. Instead, I decided to eat intuitively, trusting that once nothing is forbidden, I would be naturally drawn to healthy, whole foods.

If only it were that easy, and I could report that my farewell to diets naturally resulted in me being my best self. Fast forward to 45 days ago, when I was in the habit of eating something sweet several times a day and anxiously anticipating the week’s new flavors from Crumbl. I needed a sweets fast because my relationship with food was once again unhealthy. I know that many people who quit drinking fall into the sugar trap. And while I don’t believe that sugar is physically addictive, I do know that it is extremely common for us to fall into the habit of reaching for the chocolate to stimulate that dopamine release.

And at its essence, too much of a good thing is a search for pleasure or fulfillment. What we choose to ignite this feeling determines what it does to us, physically and mentally. On a spiritual level, I can say that my sweets habit was causing my priorities to fall out of line, as I believe nothing here on Earth can truly satisfy our longing to be filled. On a physical level, I highly suspected this habit was 100 percent to blame for my tight, uncomfortable pants.

Again, if only it were that simple. One can say that only God can satisfy, and yet, there’s thing we call life that so often gets in the way. One can say that if I stop eating sweets for 46 days I will lose weight, have more energy and desire healthier food…and yet.

So here I sit, needing to concede that it’s not just too much of a good thing. Sure, I lost about 5 pounds, but what about the other 30 that is so stubbornly hanging around? Achieving and maintaining a weight and body that one is happy with is a complex and elusive journey, and I don’t know how many actually reach the destination. Here are some factors that I believe are at play for me personally.

• My age. Since I hit my mid-forties, I am finding it increasingly difficult to lose weight. This is due to a slowing metabolism and hormonal fluctuations that I don’t completely understand, even though I’ve tried.
• My occupation and interests. I have a lot of desk time at work and driving when I’m not working. In my free time, I tend to love sedentary activities such as reading, writing, playing the piano and working on puzzles. (Nature photography is an exception, and when I’m out watching and shooting, I can go for miles and miles).
• My food preferences. Confession: I don’t love vegetables. I eat maybe 1-2 servings a day instead of the recommended 3-5. I eat them because I know I should and hardly ever because I’m craving a carrot. My husband’s family have impeccable, plant-based diets. They extol the virtues of eating leaves and the only turkey they brought to Thanksgiving was a platter of vegetables arranged in the shape of a turkey. They post pictures on Instagram about their to-die-for desserts, which are large amounts of pureed fruits. I stopped following them.
• My sugar habit. This hit hard after I quit drinking, and is still wrapped up in some messy thoughts (stinking thinking) about how I deserve something sweet, as I don’t indulge in drinks anymore. I know.

These are not excuses, but the factors at play in my body and why it is not the body I want. So what to do? The sweet fast is a starting point and created enough distance between me and dessert to see that, going forward, I do need to limit dessert night to a few nights a week, rather than a few times a day. The warmer weather and longer daylight make it pleasurable to get outside and move. I can start setting goals to eat more plants, but I don’t see it ever becoming a lifestyle, something I choose over, say, cheese or chocolate.

What I’m really looking to lose is the shame and hoping to gain is peace of mind. A place where I know I am doing all I reasonably can to be healthy without it stealing my joy. Because life is too short for shaming and forcing myself to try to fit into a mold I didn’t create. I want a healthy relationship with my body, as well as a healthy body. And I know that includes chocolate, just not too much.