Yesterday, our school staff had a catered lunch to celebrate one of our co-worker’s 60th birthday. She was just returning from major surgery and mentioned that she can’t do drugs (pain medication) but “gin and tonics helped.” (Many laughs and nods). The conversation that played out among the group had no fewer than half a dozen comments or stories about drinking in about half an hour’s time. From the previous comment, to an upcoming wedding in Savannah and its accompanying revelry, to a new restaurant in town with amazing cocktails, to a planned trip to New Orleans over Thanksgiving, anticipating Bourbon Street and the best drinking establishments in the city.
I’m sure no one else noticed.
I smiled politely and nodded from time to time, acting like I agreed but really feeling like the odd woman out. I consider myself securely grounded in my sobriety, but when I am in the company of drinkers I still feel plagued with insecurity about my issues. I wondered, looking around the group how they could all talk about alcohol with such anticipation and appreciation. Do they not feel the hangovers, the anxiety, the remorse or self-loathing that drinking brings? Probably not. Because it’s not their issue. They didn’t, or haven’t, reached the point where drinking is secretive, and, shameful, and brings on a war with yourself.
But there is definitely a sting that comes with being sober in a culture that celebrates and worships the drink. Even through alcohol is a drug, because it’s legal and so intertwined with social life, people love to talk about it and share stories about its legendary status. What if we talked about other drugs that way? I can’t wait to hit the back alley on our vacation and score some amazing heroin. I can’t wait to attend my best friend’s wedding and partake in some mind-blowing crack.
Not so much. Street drugs are disdainful while alcohol is the thing to do.
My point in sharing this story and my thoughts is to recognize that it is hard to be an abstainer of something that is celebrated and viewed as normal and essential for a good time. It doesn’t make me want to drink; it just makes me feel like I don’t fit in. Funny that I still feel these feelings at 46. It’s the very reason I picked up the bottle as a teenager, to fit in and make social situations feel less awkward. And when you drown out those feelings they don’t go away. The only way to make it easier is to continue to live through it.
I don’t see the workplace conversations changing anytime soon, so I guess I’ll have plenty of opportunities to live through it, and maybe someday not feel so much like the odd woman out.
Or maybe I’ll just have my own party.
I’m 64. I still feel that way.
Thank you for reading and relating.
That sting will go away over time. Eventually, you’ll realize that the sting was created by you. Then you’ll be able to let it go. They don’t experience what we did when we drank because normal people don’t drink like we did on a daily basis. In a whole weekend they can’t handle half of what we did in a few hours. We’ve had our drinks for our lifetime, and that’s perfectly okay. We found out we’ve become allergic, developed the allergy, actually.
It’ll get better, and sooner than later you’ll be joining in and yucking it up about some of your stories. I’m sure you have some doozies, as do I.
Thanks Jim. Yes I have the sense that the sting is caused by my own insecurities. Glad to hear it gets easier with time.
i used to feel this way too..it doesnt bother me as much now, but of course i am only 95% AF this year. Mostly i just combat it with my own stories of good and bad times and sort of fit in. I wasnt able to do that the first year or two, it just irritated me..
Thanks, Lovie. I guess I just wish that everyone else wasn’t so focused on alcohol…I feel like I’ve “seen the light” about it, but when all I hear in social situations is how amazing it is, it makes me feel like I’m different in my convictions, and it gets a little lonely. I’m sure it gets easier with time.
I hear you! Just last weekend I met some friends for lunch and they had ordered beers and I ordered ginger ale and the waiter was giving me a hard time because it was to early for me to be drinking. I just smiled and didn’t say anything. I also smiled within after leaving and enjoying my friends and being 100% sober! It’s a trip. I wear my S with much pride 🦸♂️
Thanks, Dwight. I think I haven’t reached the point where I wear my S with pride. I do around other awesome soberstars like you, but in the general public sometimes it still feels like a scarlet A rather than a super S. Xx
I can relate to that at 47. I was at a small gathering of hitch school friends and most of the conversation was about drinking. My name was brought up a lot as I definitely drank my fair share way back then however I was quite happy there were no recent stories to say about me. I did laugh with them as I was a wild child way back then and the stories were funny, but that’s definitely not me today. It’s was pretty satisfying as I can’t imagine if I kept on that drinking path at my age now!
*high school friends
Thanks Jackie. I guess I wish the stories didn’t have to all be about drinking. Maybe I’m just hyper-sensitive about it and won’t be with time… We will see. Hope you’re doing well friend. Xx
I’m 68! Yikes!
And I still feel that way, especially at small dinner parties where my friends all drink. No one gets super drunk anymore, just tipsy. Same with my family, some of whom should not be drinking, but still.They talk about this drink or that one, or the wine they had.
After 7 years, I’m mostly at peace with it.
Just once in awhile.
Hugs!
And I really am funnier not drinking!
xo
Wendy
You look amazing, btw. Yes, looking forward to the desensitizing that comes with more time, as I know it’s my issue. Can’t help wishing it wasn’t such a centerpiece though. Xx
Sweet Collette❣️🤗
I totally get what you mean because I stopped drinking 4 years ago because they trigger debilitating migraines. I was a social drinker anyway so it wasn’t a difficult change, and yes, the migraines were a great incentive to stop completely 🤯
And I am the odd girl out pretty much in any social situation because you couldn’t be more accurate, drinking seems to be put on the highest pedestal in todays culture. I rarely have a sober buddy in social situations. It’s remarkable and shocking.
Alcohol is the “IT” thing. It’s cool. It’s sexy. It’s unanimously considered the best antidote for life’s challenges. Really🤷♀️
I didn’t agree even when I was a social drinker but when I see such a loving embrace for alcohol, especially from people I care about, I actually feel an overwhelming fear for them and want to wrap my arms around them to protect them from the potential evil alcohol can, and will, do in their life.
So while life is indeed different for me not using alcohol to unwind or relax, even in the slightest of ways, I wouldn’t change a thing because living life with a clear mind is already challenging enough without adding unnecessary and unneeded stress and drama.
You are a shining light in a dark world my friend❣️❣️❤️❤️🤗🤗
You are on a beautiful path😍❤️
Thank you, friend. I wouldn’t change a thing either. So I guess it’s a little frustrating since I feel like I finally “see the light” and (almost) everyone around me is still under the illusion that alcohol is an enhancer to life…the key ingredient in social settings, when in truth it’s such a limiting factor at best and a destroyer at worst. Anyway, I’ll keep fighting the good fight. Happy to hear you are on the path with me. Xx