I haven’t been myself lately. I’ve slid off track. Started skipping the morning routine that always grounds me. Gobbling up the baked goods that I’ve been making far too often. Working up excuses not to work out. Opting to nap rather than write.
These are red flags. Thoughts and behaviors that tell me I’ve veered off course and need to self-correct. But the beautiful thing is that I see them, and I’ve learned enough about myself to know what I need to do to prevent my red flags from becoming white flags.
This is my third post in a series I’ve started on the gifts of sobriety. When everything becomes difficult, it’s important to reflect on the why and the how. Why did I start this journey I’m on, and how has it enriched my life? When I quit drinking and embarked on my wellness journey, consistency replaced volatility. Peace replaced longing. And the gift of knowing who I am as a person began to emerge.
Ralph Waldo Emmerson wrote, “Make the most of yourself, for that is all there is of you.” The amazing thing is that in forty-three years, I had never consciously tried to develop an awareness of who I am. And how can you make the most of yourself, if you don’t know who you are?
From my teenage years on, I relied on alcohol to numb the discomfort of being in my own skin. I am a quiet person. Conversation does not come to me naturally, and I find it draining when I’m forced to make it. I feel things deeply and often found myself in a position of vulnerability. So I armed myself with liquid courage, the cure for everything from social anxiety to heartache (and anything in between). The result was that I could be anything to anyone, but my real self to no one.
When I stripped away the varied versions of myself that had been varnished on with coat after coat of alcohol, I had no idea who I even was.
But that’s the huge, scary, exciting, fascinating and amazing part. Learning who you are and what makes you tick. Pure, unadulterated you.
“Oh, so this is how I feel when I have to do this thing, and in the past this is what I would have done but now I can’t fake my way out of it…I have to sit with it, feel it, respond to it and maybe even find the real beauty hiding inside of it that I never would have noticed otherwise..”
Now, I know how certain situations and obligations make me feel and I know the tools I need to bring with me to help me make the most of myself. I’ve learned what I enjoy doing and what I don’t, and how to say “no” gracefully.
I know that writing, traveling, being out in nature and connecting with my family and close friends are my passions and my purpose, and that I can discard all the other time wasters that don’t bring me joy. I know that exercising always makes me feel better, along with eating mostly healthy, but there is also always room for chocolate (especially when accompanied by peanut butter). Most importantly, I’ve learned that for me, drinking is not a past-time, hobby or solution.
It’s like finally finding and reading your very own set of operating instructions. Except that it’s not something you learn and master. Self-discovery, and making the most of yourself, is a life-long journey and the most rewarding one you’ll ever take. In the words of Robert Frost:
The woods are lovely, dark and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.
I’m not sure what happened … I wrote a comment earlier but it seems to have disappeared. I totally connected with your red flags comment. My red flags are very similar to yours and I, so glad I notice them now. Even though I can’t always take action, that awareness means I start to slowly use some strategies and tools … which then begins the first step onto the ladder, up and out. It’s always good to think about sobriety and what it has given each of us. When I have a good day/period of time sober it’s the best feeling in the world, bar none. I can’t explain the emotion, pure peace and joy. You have had much to contend with my lovely friend. Things will come good for you soon. I have a good feeling about it. Love and hugs 🤗 xxx
Well, thank you for re-posting. I always look forward to your comments and insights. I’m glad you can relate, and that we are both learning to spot our flags, and how to take care of ourselves when we need to. So important. Yes, overall it is definitely the best feeling in the world. It doesn’t take troubles away, but it makes us so much more capable of handling them. Love and hugs to you, my friend. XX
Sobriety is a gift, and then more little gifts follow that one big one. It’s good that you recognize your flags. Awareness is the precursor to change. Much love to you. xx
Exactly. Sobriety allows the awareness in too. I don’t think I was very aware in my drinking days. Mostly foggy with a good chance of storms. Now, it’s clear and sunny. Love to you. Xx
Recently someone posted about a book on here that i have been reading ( well listening to via audio) and one thing that has stuck with me is the idea that, though we may not be consistently “great” at keeping our commitments, at the end of the day, as long as we have more check marks in the “good” column than the “bad”, we are statistically inclined towards success..makes sense to me! Wake up, keep trying…wash, rinse, repeat….hugs and blessings!
Yes, I think holding ourselves accountable with daily check-ins and assessing our day is important. It keeps us aware, and we know when we are messing up, or something needs to be changed. Hugs and love, Lovie. Xx
Beautiful and inspiring, thank you. I’m going to show up on my mat today.
Thank you, Julie. Keep showing up. Xx
Oh – your honesty is so raw and inspiring for us all!
Inspiring for all people who use a variety of creative methods to avoid self-knowledge and continue to live life in fear, anger, avoidance, emptiness or isolation.
I agree with Lovie and as long as my day ends with more in the good than the bad, it’s a checkmark in the success column. And some days are just going to be a lazy day – LOL
<3 xx
Thank you Teri. Yes, when you start the journey of truly knowing and becoming yourself, you have to be brave and live in the truth. That’s very difficult sometimes, but every time we face challenges instead of avoiding them, we grow. It’s so worth it. And, yes, I didn’t get out of my pajamas until noon today…some days are definitely lazy. 🙂 Xx
Wow beautiful post Collette, wish I had written it myself, as it puts everything to words so perfectly. This formulation in particular: “I could be anything to anyone, but my real self to no one”. 🙂 I used to think I was just “kind and adaptable” when in fact I had layer upon layer of “varnish” all shiny and kept solidly in place by drinking. All of those who made/make/are thinking about making the effort of peeling it off are so fortunate. So HELL YEAH to spotting those red flags and taking good care of ourselves (and keeping chocolate and PB in the mix) 🙂 xxx thanks for writing all of this ! Big hugs xxx Anne
Thanks for reading, Anne. I’m glad you can relate, especially to the good parts! Xx
🙂 <3
Wow, wow, wow. Thank you for this series of posts. I can tell I will be returning to read them again and again. ❤️❤️
Thanks, Leafy. Hope you’re well! Xx
I felt the same way at college. The alcohol somehow hid that I was deeply uncomfortable with me. I thought it was my ticket to being someone I wasn’t. And I so understand red flags now. Normally the red flags start appearing when I stop focusing on the truly important stuff. Thank you for being so honest and so insightful. x
Thank you for reading and relating. If only there were a magic cure-all of that feeling of discomfort that wasn’t liquid poison, haha. It’s quite a journey, isn’t it?