Quitting

In March 2016, I earnestly decided to quit drinking for the first time. I read Annie Grace’s This Naked Mind: Control Alcohol and it completely changed the way I viewed alcohol and the role it played in my life. I felt like I had been duped for the last 25 years: by society, by the marketing industry, and by this highly addictive drug that also serves as fuel for cars. Angry, indignant, and frustrated I’d wasted so much life, I was determined to make a clean break.

My first attempt to quit lasted 70 days, and ended with my vacation to Hawaii. After roughly three months of struggling to get back on track, I experienced my second stint of sobriety. This time, it lasted 245 days, or eight months. It concluded with an Easter dinner and me staring at a bottle of my favorite Chardonnay with one glass left. “Why can’t I have a glass?” I thought. That last glass turned into two years of grief and struggle. I’m currently on my third, and what I pray is my final attempt at living life free from the chains of alcohol. Two-hundred ninety-two days in, I take nothing for granted.

I keep journals in my recovery and it is heart-breaking to look back on the past four years and relive the happy optimism that I know ends in failure. As well as the pain, regret and self-loathing that accompanied those failures. Struggling to get my footing, and vowing to start fresh, only to let myself down again. Reading my scribbled rants while under the influence, and witnessing my mental health deteriorate. The near-misses, and knowing someone had to be watching out for me. Yet seeing that each wobbly step, or misstep, was necessary to reach my destination.

I am aware now of the danger of complacency. I am aware of the low success rate in achieving long-term sobriety. I am aware that if I ever choose to pick up a drink again, I will fall straight through the false bottoms and into the pit that will lead to my ultimate demise. And this “learning through experience” gives me a healthy fear of alcohol and its effects on my mind, body and soul.

Looking back over past attempts also gives me the chance to see what went wrong. The essential ingredient I lacked in my first two sobriety attempts is what I now believe to be the most important of all: God. There were moments in my past where I prayed to God to deliver me from the temptation to drink. Yet I had not learned the art of surrender. How to give it to God, be in relationship with Him, be reliant on Him, and trust Him. I can read between the lines of my past and see how I was holding on, trying to be in control of myself and my choices, and inevitably failing. The practice of turning to God daily, in gratitude and dependence, has amazingly removed my desire to drink.

With the temptation removed, I experienced a mindset shift that has been a huge game-changer. In the past, I still clung to the belief that alcohol was something I was giving up and that quitting equaled sacrifice. I now understand that there is not one single benefit that comes from drinking. And in all those years of drinking alcohol I was sacrificing myself, my peace of mind, and my joy. By saying no to alcohol I am saying yes to life, a real life.

And this realization makes all the difference.