It’s funny how the brain romanticizes things that no longer serve us. A glass of chilled Chardonnay, the ex-boyfriend, sharing a drag off a cigarette in the crisp fall air, the thrill of moving a pile of plastic chips across a green felt table.
We could have said goodbye and made our peace weeks, months or years ago, but when a certain sight, sound or smell hits us, it brings up the perceived romance of the experience. I have found, though, that those cues weaken, the memories grow dim, and the pull grows weaker with time.
I am almost two years sober, and I still occasionally find myself remembering the “days of wine and roses” with fondness. Mostly though, I just smile to myself and slightly shake my head at the elaborate reality I spun around drinking, and the experience of drinking. Of course I had help spinning it. Every advertisement, movie, show, social engagement, family gathering, performance, or casual banter I took in helped me spin it. But I was a willing weaver.
In the amazing movie, Inside Out, Riley, a young girl, and her personified five emotions go through the process of growing up. This movie moved me in several different parts and ways, but I often find myself calling to mind the visual depiction of her memories stored in her brain as different colored orbs, based on the primary emotion they evoke. Rows and rows of memories, tinted blue for sad and green for happy.
But then there are the core memories that power the different islands that make up Riley’s personality. As a child, her islands include: Family, Friendship, Goofball, Hockey and Honesty.
One poignant scene depicts the final fall of the dilapidated Goofball island, once Riley grows up and matures, and no longer has a need for goofiness in her emotional repertoire.
When I think of my own islands, I am sure that Drinking island is one of them. I spent enough time imbibing, planning to partake or recovering on its shores to make Drinking island a major component of my personality. The physical, emotional and spiritual energy I spent constructing that island ensured a solid foundation, able to withstand many sobriety tsunamis and storms. In fact, the island was hit three times before its final devastation.
As my cravings die out, I find it more and more difficult to come up with reasons why I should feel bad that I don’t consume poison. Core memories of contented drunkenness are no longer powerful enough to sustain Drinking island. I picture it going dark. The towers of crystal glasses crashing to the ground. Bottles of wine toppled and emptying out into the sea. Once lively taverns grown silent and deserted.
And all that’s left is rubble. The ruins will remain, and I suppose if I ever wanted to revive it, I could reconstruct my nightmare. Breathe life into a place that never served me.
But today, right now, all I want to do is say goodbye to Drinking island. It’s no longer who I am, or who I wish to be.
Wow this was a great read and left me with such a sense of contentment. I will have to read Annie Grace’s book! I have been wanting to, but must put it higher on my read list! Congratulations on almost 2 years sober! You write beautifully!
Thank you friend! I’m glad it made you feel good! Xx
It truly did!
Very clever post! Drinking Island is a great visual- what you see and the anticipation you feel when it’s in sight. And then the stark and dark reality once you’ve landed. I absolutely loved Inside Out and Riley. I’d like to see Pixar’s newest- Soul. You know I never- really never – had a good time drinking. It was blackouts, humiliation, remorse and shame from day 1. Even so, I have romanticized notions about alcohol!! How does that happen? Marketing! Great post and I agree with jacquelyn3534; you have such a beautiful expression of words and thoughts. Thank you for sharing it with us, Collette! <3
Yes, it’s crazy the effect marketing has on our subconscious. People making billions of dollars on the suggestibility of the human brain! I’m glad you enjoyed reading! I’ve been wanting to watch Soul too! Maybe that will end up in another post! Enjoy your weekend! Xx
Love this post and also loved inside out. Really resonated thank you ♡♡
Thank you friend. Glad it resonated with you, and to know a fellow fan! Xx
I know I sometimes think of drinking when I turn 70, or 75!
Now that’s not too far away, so think I’ll make it 80! Maybe 90 as my mom is 95!
🤦🏻♀️
xo
Wendy
Maybe 95! Although I don’t like the images conjured up by a drunk 95-year-old…almost as bad as a drunk 45-year-old, haha! Hope you have a great weekend! Xx
Yes I am so pleased I left Drink Island. Best decision ever. x
A life changer! 💕
Such a good analogy, described perfectly. Well done to you ! 👏👏xxx
Thank you! Xx
“As my cravings die out, I find it more and more difficult to come up with reasons why I should feel bad that I don’t consume poison.” This is it exactly! Very affirming piece. Lovely work!
Thank you!! 💕
This is Amazing Imagery Collette ❣️
Incidentally, I LOVE that movie 😉 Brilliant animation as to what happens “inside”.
You are simply an exceptional human and while drinking left it’s own destruction, I know you for the person that has risen from the ashes.
You’re taking care of you and what needs to be nurtured and nourished and reinforced. And you are soaring lady❣️
Great post ❤️😘🤗
Thank you, Teri! It means so much to me to be perceived in that positive light! I do feel like I’m a different peeps on now…stronger, yet more kind and caring. It’s really meaningful to get to share my journey, and to know you truly get it!! 💕
Ya know, I had to let you know how reading your words affect me and this is the Collette I feel through your words.
Because most days we are hard on ourselves and don’t focus on the good we’re doing.
And you’re doing great 😍🥰
Oh, thank you! That is the Collette I want to be…aspiring to greatness. Greatness as in doing great things to help others. Kinda like you, Teri! Xx
AND…You’re SUCH a good writer ❣️
This is what I should have been doing all along, haha. Guess I needed to build up some material first! Xx
Beautiful post…as always. The stories we construct around drinking are quite something. It’s so delightful to get to the place where we can step back and recognise our individual stories for the great acts of fiction that they are. X
Thank you, BB! When we can see the acts of fiction but also see the light! Sending love and light to you! X