“Owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing we’ll ever do. We own our stories so we don’t spend our lives being defined by them or denying them. And while the journey is long and difficult at times, it is the path to living a more wholehearted life.”
Brené Brown
I know first-hand, the amount of courage, vulnerability and humility it takes to recover out loud. Yet, it seemed like the only option for me. Getting sober, embracing sobriety, was a process of gradual revealing until I reached the point, six months in, where I was ready to share with anyone in the world who would read about it when I started this blog.
For me, it was the only way to experience true healing. Yet, we do not all choose this path.
I was taken aback the other day when a sober friend’s husband took to social media to “share” the testimony of his wife’s struggle to get well. I was taken aback and couldn’t get it out of my head because the story didn’t include one mention of the “a”-word. No dependency, no abuse, no problem. Sure he mentioned that she almost died, that her liver function was down to 1 percent… But according to him, it was all because she had contracted two different deadly bacterial strains while on vacation in Mexico. That these toxins attacked her body and her immune system and led to sepsis, repeated hospitalizations and the expectation by all that she would not survive.
The account was long and detailed, and very different from the story I know to be true, because I witnessed the whole nightmare. This woman did in fact contract several bacterial infections; yet the reason they were chronic and brought her so close to death has everything to do with the fact that she was ingesting alcohol on a continuous basis. A lifestyle that led her to experience seizures multiple times when she tried to stop drinking. When checked into the hospital for the final time, she experienced severe, prolonged withdrawal.
But to read his account, his wife was a victim of unfortunate circumstances, a long-suffering hero who had made a miraculous comeback from these bacterial invaders and a medical miracle who beat the odds.
I am the first to admire and empathize with one who has battled addiction and is doing everything in his or her power to heal. Tonight I’m attending my ex-husband’s chip night, where he will celebrate four years clean and sober. To name it, own it despite the stigma and do the daily work required, is the bravest mission one will ever attempt. But you can’t recover from what is still undercover.
It brought to light for me, that the stigma around alcohol and being an alcoholic isn’t just owned by society, but nurtured and perpetuated by some who are addicts or in recovery as well. It’s not just a label thrown on people who are deemed to have “a problem,” but it’s a scarlet letter that some will to go to great lengths to hide.
That’s more than okay if you don’t want to announce on social media that you are recovering from an addiction that almost killed you. But to let someone else construct a narrative of your suffering and your testimony that is a cover-up speaks volumes about where you are, or aren’t, in the healing process. Step One is acceptance, not denial.
The person I speak of has not had a drink in 10 months and was told if she drank again it would kill her. But in terms of her recovery, she hasn’t even scratched the surface. I feel for her deeply. It hurts me to know the space she occupies.
Because I know, through experience, if you can’t own your story, even if it’s only in private circles or whispered prayers, you can not heal. You can not heal from something you won’t admit you have.
It doesn’t matter what method you use to recover; it’s whatever works for your mind and soul. But it does matter if you tell the truth…to yourself, to those who love you. If you can’t speak your truth, then others can step in and tell their version of your truth. And that can’t set very well at night, alone with your thoughts, and the real truth.
I haven’t yet spoken to this person about why she let her husband speak for her and share a story that wasn’t really the story. I haven’t even decided whether I will. I share this for those out there still in hiding. Not to condemn, but to lovingly encourage. To own your story is the start of a new ending. Because, as Brown puts it, “when we have the courage to walk into our story and own it, we get to write the ending.”
Not someone else.
i completely agree with you Collette and i have seen this and many other fabricated tales online , particularly in social media. I never confront these people or bring it up to them because i figure if they have to cover things up like that, they are dealing with bigger demons, and nothing i could say would help. In fact, it would likely just push their defense mechanisms and lead to more stress and/or relapse. This way my conscious is clear. Now on the other hand, if we were in an AA meeting together and i was their support person, my position would force me to at least question the intent of telling such a tale. Every word here rings true. Especially when i look back at stuff i said or did to justify my continued use of alcohol( pre recovery) as well as the months leading up to my relapse. Having gone through it myself, its much easier for me to understand and allow the veils people use to deny and not address the real problems. It’s their choice, their path, and if they truly desire full recovery they will be forced to deal with it when the time is right:)
Thank you for sharing your thoughts, Lovie. I hadn’t considered the fact that they are, as you put it, “dealing with bigger demons,” though it seems obvious now that I’ve read your comment. I guess people will go to great lengths to perpetuate and image on social media. Also, since this person was told she HAD to quit or she would die. Maybe, she hasn’t reached the point were she’s accepted she has a drinking problem, that it’s easier to blame other health conditions. At any rate, like you said, it is her path. I really value your insight and input. Hugs to you.
I just re-read this great post. My hubby and I know a couple who has a daughter the same age as my youngest, 17. Both seniors. When their daughter was about 10 her mother had become a full blown drug addict. It started with drinking and that lead into drugs. She ended up breaking into houses and stealing from people to support her habit. Her own parents turned her in, for her own good. She came from a wealthy family and was a very pretty lady. Anyway, she did 5 years time and couldn’t see her daughter at all for a certain amount of time and when she could get visitors, the father took the daughter. Not that he wanted to but did it for their daughter. She got out a couple years ago and could have supervised visitation. The father took her there for that as well as her parents promised to supervise. ( and they did ) Anyway so now she’s allowed unsupervised time with her daughter and their daughter has a decent relationship with both her mom and dad. The dad is amicable with his now ex wife, for the daughters sake. He really had to step up and be a single father. I remember him telling my hubby when his daughter needed bras, he wasn’t sure what to do. My hubby suggested asking his mother to help with that and that’s what he did. The grandparents on his side were active in helping. So anyway, long story short I see this post on fb last week and it’s the daughters mothers post. It’s their daughters senior pictures and they are both in it and it talks about “even though she and her ex didn’t always agree on everything they were still always able to co-parent for their child.” Co-parent? Oh and no mention of course of her alcohol/drug use leading up to all this. I showed my hubby and said the father must have about died with that post. I’m sure he said nothing and let it go but like you mentioned, we just don’t know why she didn’t just own all she had done. Yeah if you don’t want to mention that certainly don’t say you were a co-parent for Facebook glorification. I just couldn’t believe it. Anyway, I just rambled however I’m not sure why she even posted that however did get many likes and comments. Something ( being a mom ) must be missing within for her to need to post this I’m thinking.
Happy New year my friend ❤️ We can only truly move on if we do own our story.